MISTAKES...

I sometimes worry about myself... I don't know if other people worry about me too but i do know that they don't really have to bother because i all the worrying... How can a person know that something she's about to do is wrong yet still go ahead to do it? I once told a friend of mine that i think i'm a masochist... What sort of person would know that they'll only get pain from a particular thing and yet still go ahead with it... Case in point, my relationship with ''The Brit''. He has a habit of coming close to me when he wants me and then ignore me when he's had enough... It's just sad... It's just like a woman who dates a guy that abuses her physically yet still stays with him (No, i've never experienced physical abuse from a man i was dating, my dad doesn't count). Anyone who's not in the relationship with her would not understand but trying to help someone like that is extremely hard... I really wish i could get out of that but i seem unable to extract myself from those ropes i seem to have bound myself with...
Something happened yesterday that i was too ashamed to share but the events of today had me thinking... I need serious advice people... Okay, maybe i also need help. There is someone who'll read this that i really wish wouldn't know what went down but i'm sinking really deep into a mire and the only way i can free myself of the thoughts in my head is to share it and i really hope that someone cares about me enough to give me advice... I also hope that YOU, yes YOU would not judge me based on the stuff i'm about to write down.
I had sex with Button yesterday evening... What i was thinking, i had no idea... Why i did it, less so... Just so happened that he came, i was horny and i did it with him... It just so happened that i couldn't get whom i wanted and he was available but it's no excuse for my behavior... Going ahead with it, i knew i shouldn't but i refused to listen to the voice of reason in my head and went ahead anyway... It was bad... Really bad and i felt lower than pond scum afterwards and wished he'll just take off instead of lounging around acting like a king... It was nauseating... I actually threw up when we were done. Yes, it was that disgusting and now i'm still hating myself.
So, he came today without calling... Walked into my apartment without knocking and said ''hey, come give me a hug and a kiss'' what?????????????????????????????????????????? That was when i realised that the mistake i made was even worse than i envisaged. This was a total nightmare. I was in the bathroom washing my smallies when he came in and just walked into my bedroom to relax comfortably on my bed. I completely avoided my bedroom and started cleaning my house while searching for a way to ask him to leave without being rude. Couldn't for the life of me figure out a way to do that... I ended up having to tell him that the events of yesterday was just what it was... Just sex and i had no intention of ever doing it again... He got really angry and stormed out. I breathed a sigh of relief...
If my dad lives in Lagos, i'd move back in with him... I'm one of those people who should never be left alone to their own devices and that is why i always want my siblings with me because then i'll have an excuse to behave. Unfortunately, my siblings always find things to do that do not involve me. I think i need help... I really do...........................
I'm making a lot of mistakes left, right and center but i don't know how to correct them. Yes, i know they are mistakes before i even attempt them but i can't seem to help myself. My mum used to say that the idle mind is the devil's workshop and it seems like i've just conveniently placed myself in his garage but i really do not want to be there. I have to find a way to extract myself and really fast.
I was so angry at myself that i took it out on my toy-boy (as Linc calls him) and he was a bit surprised... I also blamed ''The Brit'' for totally ignoring me some days ago when i told him i was horny but the truth is, it's all my fault and i shouldn't blame nor take it out on anyone. I think i'd better find a ''sex buddy'' befor i find myself making the same mistake again...
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Bee