TO LOVE OR TO LUST...

25th June last year, i wrote something down. I’m not exactly sure what i was thinking about on the day but here’s what i wrote: When i’m scared, i run... When i’m loved, it scares me... When i’m pushed away, i cling... When i get afraid, i get very angry and lash out... When i’m cared for, i get confused and don’t know how to react... I’m looking to love and be loved but how do i manage all these feelings and reactions? Will i ever find what i’m looking for?
I probably have too many conflicting emotions and i don’t know how anyone can handle that. I’m the one person i know who can love and hate at the same time which goes to show how complicated i am. What person does that? I am never really able to decide what my feelings are and to compound issues, i do not know when to shut the hell up. I say things to people immediately i feel them but the one thing i’ve never been quite able to say to anyone is ‘’i hate you’’ even when i’m feeling that emotion towards said person. It’s easier for me to handle things when they are put into words... I’m the kind of person who’d go on and on asking questions and i never really get satisfied even when i’ve been answered. That answer will only lead to another question and so on until i see that the person is getting weary of answering questions. Though i may stop asking the person questions, if you look at me you’d see the questions in my eyes and that’s when you’d realise that i still have questions in my head and the only reason i’m not asking is so as not to annoy... I’m never satisfied with a simple yes or no, i like details and would go really deep until i find the answer. Sometimes, the answers i want are not the ones i get but i prefer to know than not knowing.
So, i’ve decided that there’s something Mr Man isn’t telling me... Which is quite strange considering we talk about almost everything and i’m very comfortable with him. What put that idea in my head? I guess it has to do with how much time he spends on his blackberry and how he evades even the most basic questions i ask him. I decided he has a girlfriend somewhere that he hasn’t told me about... He didn’t even deny it, as a matter of fact he totally ignored me when i brought it up until he realised that i wouldn’t let it go until i give him an answer. He said i was nit-picking... I didn’t find that funny at all... Stared at him in mild shock for a few seconds which made him think i didn’t know what nit-picking means. When he started trying to explain, i told him i knew what he meant. He then told me to think about how much time we’ve been spending together and to ask myself if he’d spend that much time with me if he had another girlfriend somewhere... I didn’t have an answer for him but i still wasn’t convinced... She probably doesn’t live in Lagos, who knows? I should let it go i know but i’m not one to drop an issue easily the moment i pick it up. Maybe going with the flow isn’t such a good idea after-all. It’ll probably be better if i become logical and take this step with my head balanced firmly in the middle of my shoulders. It wouldn’t help to go crazy as i did with The Brit because it was bad and i started seriously doubting my mental health. I thought i had become a full-on crazy person and even though i knew it, i just couldn’t help it... If i keep reminding myself everyday, i might be able to let go of the thoughts in my head and treat this relationship like none other i had ever had... That’ll be a good place to start...
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Bee