NARCISICM...

A.E.P brought the pictures over today and i was entranced... I couldn’t believe how pretty i looked. I had always considered myself beautiful (beauty i believe, is from the inside) but i never thought i was pretty. For someone as nonchalant as i am, this is a very disturbing practice... I know what i look like and have never felt the need to be reminded but for some reason, i found myself looking at the pictures of me over and over again... Some will argue that i’m trying to hold on to my youth and they may be right but it’s really funny considering how i’ve never particularly worried about i’ll look in my old age till now. Truth is, it now worries me... I don’t know if i’ll feel the same way about lines as i do now about smooth skin. I’m not a fan of stretch marks or puffy eyes and that is why i went into the cosmetic business a while ago... Granted, everyone will grow old. The question now is... How many of us are going to embrace it? I’m thinking very few will... I want to be young forever but i know that is impossible... Once upon a time when i was 19, i took my looks for granted and made a lot of ‘’shakara’’ about it... I probably thought i didn’t need to work out to remain a size 8 but i did that anyway because i liked the adrenaline rush that came with running, lifting weights and cardio... Thinking about it now, i never should have stopped... Started using eye creams early on and was in a rush to use anti-aging creams... Used to really piss me off when i tried unsuccessfully to get my 30 year old customers to use skincare products that delayed ageing... I never really understood why they wouldn’t do it but i’m now beginning to understand that it stems from denial... They probably thought that they wouldn’t be reminded of how old they were if they didn’t have the anti-aging creams as a constant reminder... Now that i’m at the age where i should use those anti-aging creams, i circle around the counters and make sure no one’s looking when i pick them up then, then wait till the check-out counter is clear before i go to pay for the stuff... I was recently asked at the body shop store in Paddington why i was buying a particular product... Told the guy it was for me but he said i shouldn’t use that and proceeded to get me another product. Vanity would’ve let me take that product instead but i knew i needed the original one i took so i swallowed my pride and told him my age... He just stared... Mind, i wasn’t wearing any make-up and i tend to look 5years younger when i have no make-up on...
The fascination with youth and beauty has taken a whole life of it’s own... If i’d been asked 10years ago if i’d ever consider plastic surgery, i’d say ‘’definitely NO’’ but last trip to London, i called Transform and asked for a brochure... I didn’t even mention it to my friend until the package arrived when i was out and she saw the return address... She wanted to know what i’d like to have done but i told her to mind her own business... I was too ashamed to say i was considering having my breasts reduced and uplifted... I told her what i wanted later though... I look really hard at my pictures now and think ‘’oh, i should’ve posed differently, this angle is bad for me’’ but the truth is, no matter how i pose or what i wear, it’s still me all the way and nothing’s going to change that.
Now, there’s a 24year old who’s attracted to me... I normally would brush him off but i find myself unconsciously drawn to him and have now started flirting with him on the chat... I even gave him my number (which i rarely do) and we send all these flirty messages to each other... I don’t know if i’ll ever find it in me to meet him but i do know that i’m enjoying myself for now... If i meet him or sleep with him, it’ll feel to me like i’m trying to validate myself and i don’t know if i want to put myself in that position for any reason...
I know i’m now at the age where women start worrying about everything from relationships to age to loss of beauty and everything in-between... It’s disconcerting and really annoying when women obsess about stuff like that but today, i found myself doing the same... I found myself wishing i was 20 again and having fun... Being able to date a really cute 24year old with the very sexy mouth or the 27year old with the great sense of style (you know who you are, i know you’ll read this) who thinks he’s already 28... The freedom to let go and have a relationship that will lead nowhere because i’m not worried about running out of time to please my dad... Unfortunately, that luxury went away with time and i guess i just have to live with it. I’ve have great and terrible experiences but i wouldn’t trade that for anything because they are part of what makes me ME...
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Bee