What is so wrong with working? What is so wrong with being intelligent? What is so wrong with having an opinion? Most of all, what is so wrong with wanting your partner to treat you as an equal?
I've been missing from blogosphere for over four months... Don't know who missed me or who didn't. Since i don't really have a very likeable personality and i don't give a rat's ass, i'm going to go ahead and write. Maybe someone will read this, maybe not but i do know i'm writing again on my first lazy day in forever at the behest of my friend Mark.
The last four months have been completely crazy. Break-up, rebound, getting pregnant, miscarriage, new business venture (i tell you, starting a new business leaves you with a constant headache), lots of travel...
It seems like i've made a new home in asia pacific... It matters not that i can't stand the smell of Mumbai but a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do and it's even worse for a workaholic like me because you have to suck it up and get your project in the bag. There's a lot to say and i'll start with Chocolate.
The relationship was wonderful after my july trip to India and i was sailing in bliss until i hit mother earth. HARD!!! I guesss when you're in a relationship, you don't think too hard about un-protected sex until you land in hot water. There i was waiting for my period that refused to show so, i took myself to a lab, got tested and smiled when the result came out confirming what i already knew deep down. I was pregnant! Took a picture of the result and sent it to him via bbm. We already talked about what will happen if the result came out positive and we'd both agreed that i'll have to terminate. He was to come with me for the procedure to hold my hand but who am i kidding? I've never been someone who relied on anyone for nada. So, i made a split second decision when i saw the result. I took a cab (my car was at the mechanic's) and went to the clinic in surulere alone that evening to have it done after i'd called Chocolate to tell him what i wanted to do. Got there, had the procedure, woke up to find i couldn't stand without feeling woozy. Pushed myself to the brink and retched my guts out. That was when i realised i needed help getting home so, i called Chocolate. Being who he is, he left work and sped to surulere to meet me. Took me to eat because i was hungry and i started feeling slightly normal again. We talked and decided we will never let that happen again but how wrong we were. One month later and lady red refused to show up. I convinced myself that the abortion threw my cycle off and i wasn't pregnant and that was what i told him but my sister refused to listen to my theory. She kept telling me to take a test but i refused. When i mentioned to Chocolate that i hadn't had my period, he flipped and told me things i can't quite repeat even to myself. 3days later, he came to my exhibition to end things with me. I cried like i never had in my life... Even though i hated myself for doing it, i begged him but he'd made up his mind. Next day, i went for a test and the result came out positive again... I just broke down. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't work... The day after i took the test, i went to the bathroom and when i wiped off, i came away with blood. I was losing the pregnancy. Long story short, i bled for 10days after the evacuation and was depressed for weeks after. Then, he came back!
Fool that i am,i thought we could work things out and be together. How wrong i was... Didn't mention it to anyone and we had this whole secret affair thing going until i had to travel to get the figures i needed to help me kick start my new business idea. I called him as soon as i got to Mumbai so he could have my number but he never called back nor did he send a text. I didn't even worry too much about it because i was really busy visiting factories, getting a few metal samples made and all that. When it occured to me several days later that he hadn't been in touch at all, he wasn't taking my calls or replying any of my text messages, i called my brother and asked him to call Chocolate to find out why he wasn't taking my calls. My brother called me back to say i should call again. I called, he answered and told me he was no longer interested in getting back together with me. Something in me died and something else took over. At this time, i was out with E and a group of guys in her restuarant and one of them was really into me. I just hung up, grabbed the guy and kissed him and that was it! End of story.
Later on i found out the guy was 25 and in time, he started acting 19. My sister's boyfriend told me it was a huge mistake to have moved from Chocolate to someone else immediately but at the time it happened, i wasn't really thinking... Or was i?
Breaking up with my 25yr old lover proved more difficult than i anticipated. He'd cry, send me text messages threatening to do "something stupid" to himself if i left him. So, i made up my mind. Let him think we're still dating and just let things fizzle out in time...
Now, i'm single but taking my time to get back into the business of dating. I'm reasonably happy. Business looks good, my house looks like a home, i have a comfortable friendship with chocolate and christmas is coming...
It's amazing how things start to fall together if you just chillax and work hard. My hard work is paying off gradually and soon....
XXXX
Bee
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
THE LONG & SHORT OF IT
Three weeks ago, I came back from Mumbai where I'd gone to visit my friend E. The journey was long and I was completely knackered when I got there. Unfortunately, the time difference threw my body clock off and I couldn't sleep even though I was really tired and it was 3am Mumbai time. My friend was gracious enough to sit with me and talk till 6am over a bottle of Johnnie Walker's black label. We knew we weren't going out the next day and we couldn't be bothered to cook. We just ordered in and talked. I was really happy I could sit in front of her and talk about all the things I wanted to. Didn't even see her husband until later that evening at the dinner table...
Fast forward 2days later and I meet her friends (whom I'd met before, mind) so we can go shopping at a place called Bandra and that was when I ran into him. The last time I saw him, he was wearing really bad perfume and I couldn't handle the smell so, I really didn't talk to him. This time he was still looking all cute but smelling better, thanks be. I'll call him LP(lost puppy... He had that look about him).
We all went out later that week to a club and he asked me to dance with him. I told him I'm a free dancer, I don't like to dance with people. He said he didn't mind so, I told him he could dance in front of me but shouldn't get angry if I walk away without notice. A few minutes later, he started trying to grab my waist and I got pissed because I considered that too personal. I decided to take a walk outside for a smoke and he followed me there. I didn't even get frustrated until a few days later when I was on the phone with chocolate and said "I love you" only for LP to tell me he's waiting for the day I'll tell him that too. Several messages followed the request and I had to scream at him out of complete frustration when it got to a point I couldn't take anymore. For heaven's sake, he knew I had a boyfriend.
Chocolate didn't even help matters himself. He was always on my case asking why I didn't reply a message the minute I got it, was there something he should be worried about? If you guessed I screamed at him too, you guessed right.
There I was trying to relax and have a good time with my friend but the mobile phone I was using was ringing every minute. E decided to put the phone on silent because it started bugging her. When LP would call that phone and I don't answer, he'll call E's line. Gawd, the pressure.
I have to say I had a really good time there but the story will not be complete without telling what happened on the day I left.
We decided to go to a club that thursday night because my flight was for 5am which meant I had to be at the airport by 3:30am at the latest.
The club we went to was very close to the airport and it'll be easier all around because no-one will fall asleep. There we were at China House having a fantastic time when I decided to go grab a smoke outside. Realised I'd left my lighter in the car when I got there so I asked this cute Indian who was also smoking for a light. He didn't have, neither did his girlfriend so, he offered me his fag to light my cigarette with. I lit, gave back, they introduced themselves and we started talking. That is, until one bald headed short Indian guy walked up to me, took out his mobile ans said "hey you, I seem to have lost your number, can you give me again?". I looked at him wondering who the hell he was because I'd never seen him in my life before that minute.
Cutie, who turned out to be a rich kid with serious anger management issues imediately flipped and started screaming like a banshee... What the *ping* is ur problem? Are you trying to *ping* disrespect me? You bald-headed *ping ping*... At this point, all the bouncers had come out to see what was happening and try to resolve the problem. I was just standibg there perplexed because my path was blocked and I had no way to go back to my friend inside.
Suddenly, I felt a draught of cool air and someone tapped me on my shoulder. When I turned, he motioned for me to go through the vip area back into the club. That was how I met the American who decided to appoint himself as my bodyguard for the rest of the night. When it was time to leave, we decided to use the back entrance because I didn't want to run into Cutie and Baldie.
The American followed us to the airport and even helped me out when I realised I didn't have enough cash to pay for the excess luggage I have. I still think of him as an angel sent from heaven because God only know how I'd have managed both situations that day were it not for him.
Friday and I came back to Lagos to meet a bad attitude. It continued until saturday when I couldn't take it anymore and snapped. Of course he snapped too, screamed "its over" at me and walked out. I was too angry to cry or even care. I'd just come back from a long journey and it seemed to be always something with him...
Anyways, I decided to chill and I also gave him time to chill before I called him a few days later to say I was willing to give us another shot. He accepted and said he'll try to make it work.
Guess the third time's the charm because so far so good, its working out just fine.
Problem I have now is it seems like my life is just about work and my man. As a matter of fact, I haven't left my house in 10days. I need to get me a social life beginning tomorrow...
XXXX
Bee
Fast forward 2days later and I meet her friends (whom I'd met before, mind) so we can go shopping at a place called Bandra and that was when I ran into him. The last time I saw him, he was wearing really bad perfume and I couldn't handle the smell so, I really didn't talk to him. This time he was still looking all cute but smelling better, thanks be. I'll call him LP(lost puppy... He had that look about him).
We all went out later that week to a club and he asked me to dance with him. I told him I'm a free dancer, I don't like to dance with people. He said he didn't mind so, I told him he could dance in front of me but shouldn't get angry if I walk away without notice. A few minutes later, he started trying to grab my waist and I got pissed because I considered that too personal. I decided to take a walk outside for a smoke and he followed me there. I didn't even get frustrated until a few days later when I was on the phone with chocolate and said "I love you" only for LP to tell me he's waiting for the day I'll tell him that too. Several messages followed the request and I had to scream at him out of complete frustration when it got to a point I couldn't take anymore. For heaven's sake, he knew I had a boyfriend.
Chocolate didn't even help matters himself. He was always on my case asking why I didn't reply a message the minute I got it, was there something he should be worried about? If you guessed I screamed at him too, you guessed right.
There I was trying to relax and have a good time with my friend but the mobile phone I was using was ringing every minute. E decided to put the phone on silent because it started bugging her. When LP would call that phone and I don't answer, he'll call E's line. Gawd, the pressure.
I have to say I had a really good time there but the story will not be complete without telling what happened on the day I left.
We decided to go to a club that thursday night because my flight was for 5am which meant I had to be at the airport by 3:30am at the latest.
The club we went to was very close to the airport and it'll be easier all around because no-one will fall asleep. There we were at China House having a fantastic time when I decided to go grab a smoke outside. Realised I'd left my lighter in the car when I got there so I asked this cute Indian who was also smoking for a light. He didn't have, neither did his girlfriend so, he offered me his fag to light my cigarette with. I lit, gave back, they introduced themselves and we started talking. That is, until one bald headed short Indian guy walked up to me, took out his mobile ans said "hey you, I seem to have lost your number, can you give me again?". I looked at him wondering who the hell he was because I'd never seen him in my life before that minute.
Cutie, who turned out to be a rich kid with serious anger management issues imediately flipped and started screaming like a banshee... What the *ping* is ur problem? Are you trying to *ping* disrespect me? You bald-headed *ping ping*... At this point, all the bouncers had come out to see what was happening and try to resolve the problem. I was just standibg there perplexed because my path was blocked and I had no way to go back to my friend inside.
Suddenly, I felt a draught of cool air and someone tapped me on my shoulder. When I turned, he motioned for me to go through the vip area back into the club. That was how I met the American who decided to appoint himself as my bodyguard for the rest of the night. When it was time to leave, we decided to use the back entrance because I didn't want to run into Cutie and Baldie.
The American followed us to the airport and even helped me out when I realised I didn't have enough cash to pay for the excess luggage I have. I still think of him as an angel sent from heaven because God only know how I'd have managed both situations that day were it not for him.
Friday and I came back to Lagos to meet a bad attitude. It continued until saturday when I couldn't take it anymore and snapped. Of course he snapped too, screamed "its over" at me and walked out. I was too angry to cry or even care. I'd just come back from a long journey and it seemed to be always something with him...
Anyways, I decided to chill and I also gave him time to chill before I called him a few days later to say I was willing to give us another shot. He accepted and said he'll try to make it work.
Guess the third time's the charm because so far so good, its working out just fine.
Problem I have now is it seems like my life is just about work and my man. As a matter of fact, I haven't left my house in 10days. I need to get me a social life beginning tomorrow...
XXXX
Bee
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
TURNING 30
I haven't been writing and that didn't happen because there was nothing to write about, it did because there was too much to write about... Probably doesn't make any sense...
I found that the words were too much in my head and i had a problem putting it in black & white... Can't count how much paper i scrunched up and tossed just because i couldn't find my rhythm... After all said and done, here i am... Finally at it again.
My thirtieth birthday has come and gone... After all the stress, worry, break-up, work and thinking, it came and went... Just like that. I had a hard time with it though, i won't lie about that and i worried so much that i fell ill the morning of. Didn't get any sleep till about 5am that morning but i need not have bothered because no matter how much i worry about turning 30, other girls who are also single like me have gone beyond that age and they are still who they are...
A week before my 30th bithday, chocolate broke up with me for reasons i didn't get and still don't get at all... My friend E concluded he was afraid of commitment but i think it went deeper than that... Even though i can't quite put my finger on it and even though we've now gone past that stage to find the friendship we once shared, i have a feeling that it was my craziness that chased him off in the first place but as things like these go, one can never really know the answer to all the questions we ask or don't ask as the case may be...
In the early hours of sat 12th june, i started thinking about all i'd wanted to achieve before i turned 30. Career, relationship, financially, and how i have failed to get to my goals when it dawned on me that i was worrying about the wrong things... Most women worry about getting older and even though i used to say i don't, it turned out that underneath it all, i did... I don't know that i've met anyone who's looking forward to wrinkles, sagging skin or cellulites... We all like to hope that our skin will stand the test of time but the truth is that it won't and it is because of this that we all want to be successful so that even if we don't look so hot anymore, we'll be so happy with our achievements that the way we look physically won't really matter much anymore... or we'll just be too busy to notice.
I started using anti-ageing creams sometime last year but lately, i've noticed laughter lines around my eyes that concealer does nothing to hide and no matter how much i like to think otherwise, the truth remains that my thighs aren't as firm as they once were... I have more memories and there are times when while talking to my sister, i realise she has no idea what i'm talking about. Time is begining to tell on my body... and my mind... I'm not so sure i like this but who knows? i just might grow into it with time...
I didn't want to celebrate because in my mind, i had nothing to celebrate but sometime late that night, i began to wonder about life and how long it is and how we always seemed to be on a quest to find exciting things to do to pass the time we have here. Things to make it worthwhile... So, i decided to go to my friend L's shindig. It was her bithday as well and she was having a party at swe bar... I went, i had a great time with my sis and D, i left... That was it, i was done...
Went back to concentrate on working on my exhibition but it turned out a bit of a disappointment... I just hope the next one turns out better. I have a lot to sort out about myself and i really hope my career falls into place so it'll be one less thing to worry about...
Sunday 20th june and i went to spend the night at chocolate's (he invited me) so i can be closer to the airport as my flight out was really early... We talked and slept very late... He wants back in... He misses me, he says but now, i really don't know how much of me i can give to him... What to do?
XXXX
Bee
I found that the words were too much in my head and i had a problem putting it in black & white... Can't count how much paper i scrunched up and tossed just because i couldn't find my rhythm... After all said and done, here i am... Finally at it again.
My thirtieth birthday has come and gone... After all the stress, worry, break-up, work and thinking, it came and went... Just like that. I had a hard time with it though, i won't lie about that and i worried so much that i fell ill the morning of. Didn't get any sleep till about 5am that morning but i need not have bothered because no matter how much i worry about turning 30, other girls who are also single like me have gone beyond that age and they are still who they are...
A week before my 30th bithday, chocolate broke up with me for reasons i didn't get and still don't get at all... My friend E concluded he was afraid of commitment but i think it went deeper than that... Even though i can't quite put my finger on it and even though we've now gone past that stage to find the friendship we once shared, i have a feeling that it was my craziness that chased him off in the first place but as things like these go, one can never really know the answer to all the questions we ask or don't ask as the case may be...
In the early hours of sat 12th june, i started thinking about all i'd wanted to achieve before i turned 30. Career, relationship, financially, and how i have failed to get to my goals when it dawned on me that i was worrying about the wrong things... Most women worry about getting older and even though i used to say i don't, it turned out that underneath it all, i did... I don't know that i've met anyone who's looking forward to wrinkles, sagging skin or cellulites... We all like to hope that our skin will stand the test of time but the truth is that it won't and it is because of this that we all want to be successful so that even if we don't look so hot anymore, we'll be so happy with our achievements that the way we look physically won't really matter much anymore... or we'll just be too busy to notice.
I started using anti-ageing creams sometime last year but lately, i've noticed laughter lines around my eyes that concealer does nothing to hide and no matter how much i like to think otherwise, the truth remains that my thighs aren't as firm as they once were... I have more memories and there are times when while talking to my sister, i realise she has no idea what i'm talking about. Time is begining to tell on my body... and my mind... I'm not so sure i like this but who knows? i just might grow into it with time...
I didn't want to celebrate because in my mind, i had nothing to celebrate but sometime late that night, i began to wonder about life and how long it is and how we always seemed to be on a quest to find exciting things to do to pass the time we have here. Things to make it worthwhile... So, i decided to go to my friend L's shindig. It was her bithday as well and she was having a party at swe bar... I went, i had a great time with my sis and D, i left... That was it, i was done...
Went back to concentrate on working on my exhibition but it turned out a bit of a disappointment... I just hope the next one turns out better. I have a lot to sort out about myself and i really hope my career falls into place so it'll be one less thing to worry about...
Sunday 20th june and i went to spend the night at chocolate's (he invited me) so i can be closer to the airport as my flight out was really early... We talked and slept very late... He wants back in... He misses me, he says but now, i really don't know how much of me i can give to him... What to do?
XXXX
Bee
Sunday, May 23, 2010
ATONEMENT...
Was awake most of last night reflecting on my life... My family, my friends...
The day didn't start very well and it just went downhill from there...
Sometime very early this morning, i realised that i was selfish and unforgiving and i didn't like that about myself at all... It seemed like i was holding on to my past instead of moving forward from it and i realised that i was guilty of what i usually accused E of... Same thing i accused my mother of... Holding on and refusing to let go of past hurts...
I am of the belief that only when we let go can we truly move forward and be happy but i seemed to have fallen into the category of people who do not practice what they preach... I thought long and hard about everything and i realised that i held a grudge against almost everyone in my life including myself!
In my sober reflection, i remembered something D said to me on the day i told her about the rage i had inside me... She said "Bee, forgive yourself... Not everything that happens is your fault... Forgive yourself, forgive the others that have offended you and then find a way to deal with the rage... You have to be a whole person before you can be with someone else... You're broken and if you continue like this, you will break everyone around you as well and you will never be happy"...
I decided there was only one thing to do... Forgive and ask for forgivness...
In being selfish, i have offended a lot of people in so many ways... I had said words that hurt to almost everyone around me and it didn't occur to me at the time that the people i was offending may hold grudges against me just like i held against others...
The lord's prayer says in part "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us"... To be forgiven, i had to forgive...
Brought up every one who'd hurt me that i hadn't forgiven in my head and imagined that they were ropes binding me... Then i started to mentally untie the ropes one at a time until i'd gotten them all out. When i finished doing this, i picked up my bible went down on my knees and read psalm 51, then prayed and asked God for forgiveness...
Next step, i called my father and begged for his... He was quick to forgive me and he prayed for me... I then sent a message to everyone i've known asking their forgiveness for things i have done either by mistake or design...
In my stupidity and selfishness, i was slowly chipping away at my life, my peace of mind and it was all festering inside me. Better that i came to this realisation on my own now before i completely ruined my life to the point of no return.
Until now, i didn't realise how loving and understanding the people around me were... I'm going to become a much better person or die trying...
I feel at peace with everything now and that makes me happy...
XXXX
Bee
The day didn't start very well and it just went downhill from there...
Sometime very early this morning, i realised that i was selfish and unforgiving and i didn't like that about myself at all... It seemed like i was holding on to my past instead of moving forward from it and i realised that i was guilty of what i usually accused E of... Same thing i accused my mother of... Holding on and refusing to let go of past hurts...
I am of the belief that only when we let go can we truly move forward and be happy but i seemed to have fallen into the category of people who do not practice what they preach... I thought long and hard about everything and i realised that i held a grudge against almost everyone in my life including myself!
In my sober reflection, i remembered something D said to me on the day i told her about the rage i had inside me... She said "Bee, forgive yourself... Not everything that happens is your fault... Forgive yourself, forgive the others that have offended you and then find a way to deal with the rage... You have to be a whole person before you can be with someone else... You're broken and if you continue like this, you will break everyone around you as well and you will never be happy"...
I decided there was only one thing to do... Forgive and ask for forgivness...
In being selfish, i have offended a lot of people in so many ways... I had said words that hurt to almost everyone around me and it didn't occur to me at the time that the people i was offending may hold grudges against me just like i held against others...
The lord's prayer says in part "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us"... To be forgiven, i had to forgive...
Brought up every one who'd hurt me that i hadn't forgiven in my head and imagined that they were ropes binding me... Then i started to mentally untie the ropes one at a time until i'd gotten them all out. When i finished doing this, i picked up my bible went down on my knees and read psalm 51, then prayed and asked God for forgiveness...
Next step, i called my father and begged for his... He was quick to forgive me and he prayed for me... I then sent a message to everyone i've known asking their forgiveness for things i have done either by mistake or design...
In my stupidity and selfishness, i was slowly chipping away at my life, my peace of mind and it was all festering inside me. Better that i came to this realisation on my own now before i completely ruined my life to the point of no return.
Until now, i didn't realise how loving and understanding the people around me were... I'm going to become a much better person or die trying...
I feel at peace with everything now and that makes me happy...
XXXX
Bee
Saturday, May 15, 2010
FEAR.....
My brother just broke up with his girfriend whom he's been dating for over a year. She's crushed, he's tired... Told myself i wasn't going to get involved but i found myself talking to my brother after her 100th phone call to me imploring me to talk to my brother on her behalf that she still loves him... When i tried to get my brother to make up with her, he told me his mind is made and he didn't want to date her anymore... Why?
Apparently, while they were dating she had a habit of accusing him of one phantom thing or other... Sometimes, she say she was told he was out with another woman or she tells him she had a dream that he left her for someone else then proceed to fight him like it was something that happened for real... Her mood swings were something he had to learn to deal with... I didn't get it at all everytime she tried to tell me she thinks he was dating someone else... Now, my brother was the kind of man who loved women and women loved him... He used to have several girlfriends at a time... That was, before he met this girl... They lived together and were always in each other's company except when he was at work or the few times he manages to come to my house... Tried telling her that he wasn't cheating on her but she wouldn't let me so, i let her be...
While talking to my brother about her recent behaviour, i realized one thing... She was afraid... The fear of losing him was so much that she became neurotic and eventually pushed him away...
Thinking about it, i realised that she wasn't the only one with this fear... A lot of people has this problem... I also have this problem...
It's probably something that comes hand in hand with love... There's always this deep down dread that you'lll lose the one(s) you love... It's that fear that sometimes make us protective or over-protective as the case may be... I somehow find myself calling all my siblings everytime i see or hear of an accident... Ok, maybe i don't really say anything that makes any sense when i call but the moment i hear their voices and they sound okay, i relax but before that time, i'm usually afraid...
Just yesterday, i exhibited the same trait with Chocolate... It may or may not have been called for but later when i took out time to think about it, i realized that it was fear of losing him that pushed me into doing what i did... Here's what happened...
He's out of the country for work and somehow landed in a castle somewhere in the dead end of the UK for a retreat...HE didn't have time to buy a sim before he headed out, BB messenger was acting up and the only number i had was that of the castle... So, i called and asked to be transfered to his extension but i was told it was busy... At midnight!!! Tried again after 30mins and it was still the same story... I started to freak out when i tried in the morning and was told the same thing... Maybe he was with someone... Maybe he'd decided he was tired of talking to me and i was a pain in the ass... I don't know why i started thinking like that but i found myself thinking it anyway...
When i finally got hold of him on BBM, we somehow had a fight over it because i was being (according to him) obstinate... I think he got more than a little pissed off about my reaction and he didn't like the way i was making him feel like he was guilty of something... Somehow, he mentioned that i have a strange way of showing him i loved him... Something about maybe i loved him too much and that got me talking... Now, anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that i get out of control when i talk... Just give me a reason to talk and i'll go on and on till i land myself in hot water... At the end, i told him i needed time away from him to sort out my feelings to which he asked what he was supposed to do while i thought... I told him he could do what he wanted... 10mins later, i realised i'd just made a huge mistake but by this time, he no longer wanted to speak to me... I couldn't sleep... There's a lot one can think about while tossing and turning on the bed... I realized that in my fear, i'm pushing my happiness away... Sent my friend G a message to say i've put my foot in it and maybe i had an evil spirit that makes me like being unhappy because this won't be the first time i was doing something as stupid as this... I needed prayers and fast!!! She said she'd talk to my man...
This morning, we made up after i'd sent about a million messages to apologize... I'm glad he cares enough not to walk away...
Fear always has a way of destroying lives and it's about time i dealt with it so it doesn't destroy mine... Although i'll say this... Fear or no, i want to have everyone i love around me always...
XXXX
Bee
Apparently, while they were dating she had a habit of accusing him of one phantom thing or other... Sometimes, she say she was told he was out with another woman or she tells him she had a dream that he left her for someone else then proceed to fight him like it was something that happened for real... Her mood swings were something he had to learn to deal with... I didn't get it at all everytime she tried to tell me she thinks he was dating someone else... Now, my brother was the kind of man who loved women and women loved him... He used to have several girlfriends at a time... That was, before he met this girl... They lived together and were always in each other's company except when he was at work or the few times he manages to come to my house... Tried telling her that he wasn't cheating on her but she wouldn't let me so, i let her be...
While talking to my brother about her recent behaviour, i realized one thing... She was afraid... The fear of losing him was so much that she became neurotic and eventually pushed him away...
Thinking about it, i realised that she wasn't the only one with this fear... A lot of people has this problem... I also have this problem...
It's probably something that comes hand in hand with love... There's always this deep down dread that you'lll lose the one(s) you love... It's that fear that sometimes make us protective or over-protective as the case may be... I somehow find myself calling all my siblings everytime i see or hear of an accident... Ok, maybe i don't really say anything that makes any sense when i call but the moment i hear their voices and they sound okay, i relax but before that time, i'm usually afraid...
Just yesterday, i exhibited the same trait with Chocolate... It may or may not have been called for but later when i took out time to think about it, i realized that it was fear of losing him that pushed me into doing what i did... Here's what happened...
He's out of the country for work and somehow landed in a castle somewhere in the dead end of the UK for a retreat...HE didn't have time to buy a sim before he headed out, BB messenger was acting up and the only number i had was that of the castle... So, i called and asked to be transfered to his extension but i was told it was busy... At midnight!!! Tried again after 30mins and it was still the same story... I started to freak out when i tried in the morning and was told the same thing... Maybe he was with someone... Maybe he'd decided he was tired of talking to me and i was a pain in the ass... I don't know why i started thinking like that but i found myself thinking it anyway...
When i finally got hold of him on BBM, we somehow had a fight over it because i was being (according to him) obstinate... I think he got more than a little pissed off about my reaction and he didn't like the way i was making him feel like he was guilty of something... Somehow, he mentioned that i have a strange way of showing him i loved him... Something about maybe i loved him too much and that got me talking... Now, anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that i get out of control when i talk... Just give me a reason to talk and i'll go on and on till i land myself in hot water... At the end, i told him i needed time away from him to sort out my feelings to which he asked what he was supposed to do while i thought... I told him he could do what he wanted... 10mins later, i realised i'd just made a huge mistake but by this time, he no longer wanted to speak to me... I couldn't sleep... There's a lot one can think about while tossing and turning on the bed... I realized that in my fear, i'm pushing my happiness away... Sent my friend G a message to say i've put my foot in it and maybe i had an evil spirit that makes me like being unhappy because this won't be the first time i was doing something as stupid as this... I needed prayers and fast!!! She said she'd talk to my man...
This morning, we made up after i'd sent about a million messages to apologize... I'm glad he cares enough not to walk away...
Fear always has a way of destroying lives and it's about time i dealt with it so it doesn't destroy mine... Although i'll say this... Fear or no, i want to have everyone i love around me always...
XXXX
Bee
Thursday, May 6, 2010
DATING DIARIES
I've always loved being single... The freedom to do whatever you please without worrying about anyone. It's only when you're single that it's possible to just pack up and fly to the Carribeans without notifying anyone, fuck whoever you please, do whatever you please. But like everything that has an upside, there's also a downside to being single. Valentine's day for instance... You want to hang out only to find that all your buddies are coupled up. Maybe you get asked out by a few people and then find yourself in a really bad date or as the third wheel. Both situations? Not good...
Being in a relationship brings with it a certain comfort that you don't get when single. Although, when one or both parties start getting too comfortable, it becomes a problem... I remember once dating a guy who only ever saw me in lounging clothes and my hair in a sleeping net. It never occured to me to dress up for him or anything like that because it didn't make any sense to do so when we're going nowhere. All we ever did was talk while drinking and then screw. That was all there was to it. After a while, it started bugging me and i wanted to break the pattern so, i mentioned we take the drinking out of bed and into the streets but he started dragging his feet so, i let it lie and ended things... I'm smart enough to know when something is going nowhere...
I'm so loving what i have at the moment... I had forgotten the extra something that came with being in a relationship that you cannot get when single and ship-hopping...
Romance... The essence of it is the life blood of a good and solid relationship. And love too... That just wraps things up nicely...
It isn't everyday that i meet a man who really understands me... Hell, i'm not sure i ever met one before but my brain is all fogged up at the moment... My need to know that pisses a lot of guys off, doesn't seem to faze him at all. I ask a question, he answers but because he's a man, he deflects some and i humour him by pretending not to notice.
I had told myself that i wouldn't blog so much about a man i'm seeing but then again, this blog is about being single and searching in Nigeria's own version of New York... Now, for all those who want to know what's been going on, this is for you...
FRIDAY 30th April:
I was standing outside my house with the mechanic who was checking out the extent of damage to my car that i'd banged up nicely the previous night... He drove up, stopped a distance away and i waved because i thought he couldn't see me... He later told me he stopped to get a better view. Hmm... He drove up, parked, got a big hug and we went in so i could brush my hair, get my bag and head out but we ended up sitting down in my house to talk for another 1hour before we finally went out. The plan was to get dinner, go out for drinks and retire somewhere private for the rest of the night. We did just that, minus the going out for drinks bit... I just wanted to be alone with him someplace quiet.
Dinner was great... Table for two, candlelight, rooftop restuarant at Mega Plaza (have no idea what the place is called) and lots of laughs...
Later that night at the quiet place for two, nerves set in... Spent a long time talking about it but at the end, we thought, what the hell and went for it. There are no words to describe what it was like...
SUNDAY 2nd May:
The plan was to go see a movie and we did just that... My brother had suggested Genesis Deluxe Cinemas located upstairs at the palms shopping mall and that was were we went. Decided to see Date Night and it was hilarious... That is, until the lights went off. PHCN had struck!!! Bloody generators weren't working and everyone was pissed... I couldn't help it. I screamed "I LOVE NIGERIA", burst out laughing and almost fell off my chair... Chocolate thought i was crazy but he also saw the humour in the whole incident. Went down to Newscafe to chill and from there, we went to Towers karaoke where i dazzled him with my very sexy voice... Hehehehehehe
WEDNESDAY 5th May:
He came to my house in the afternoon after skipping work earlier than he was supposed to and we were supposed to go bowling... That wasn't to be... The traffic was hellish and he didn't want to get back into it so soon after getting out of it. That was how we chilled in the house until the traffic cleared... Let's just say that by the time we got there and finished eating, the bowling arcade was closed so, we ended up at Newscafe again before i took a taxi home. Didn't want to stress him...
That's the story so far and i'm sure you all know it's been wonderfully edited. You can fill in the blank spots if you like and i won't be mad at all...
I've always loved being single but i'm also loving being in a proper relationship even more... Now, everything i want to do will be planned with someone and if i want to take off, we can do so together... It shouldn't be so bad... Afterall, every good thing comes in twos...
XXXX
Bee
Being in a relationship brings with it a certain comfort that you don't get when single. Although, when one or both parties start getting too comfortable, it becomes a problem... I remember once dating a guy who only ever saw me in lounging clothes and my hair in a sleeping net. It never occured to me to dress up for him or anything like that because it didn't make any sense to do so when we're going nowhere. All we ever did was talk while drinking and then screw. That was all there was to it. After a while, it started bugging me and i wanted to break the pattern so, i mentioned we take the drinking out of bed and into the streets but he started dragging his feet so, i let it lie and ended things... I'm smart enough to know when something is going nowhere...
I'm so loving what i have at the moment... I had forgotten the extra something that came with being in a relationship that you cannot get when single and ship-hopping...
Romance... The essence of it is the life blood of a good and solid relationship. And love too... That just wraps things up nicely...
It isn't everyday that i meet a man who really understands me... Hell, i'm not sure i ever met one before but my brain is all fogged up at the moment... My need to know that pisses a lot of guys off, doesn't seem to faze him at all. I ask a question, he answers but because he's a man, he deflects some and i humour him by pretending not to notice.
I had told myself that i wouldn't blog so much about a man i'm seeing but then again, this blog is about being single and searching in Nigeria's own version of New York... Now, for all those who want to know what's been going on, this is for you...
FRIDAY 30th April:
I was standing outside my house with the mechanic who was checking out the extent of damage to my car that i'd banged up nicely the previous night... He drove up, stopped a distance away and i waved because i thought he couldn't see me... He later told me he stopped to get a better view. Hmm... He drove up, parked, got a big hug and we went in so i could brush my hair, get my bag and head out but we ended up sitting down in my house to talk for another 1hour before we finally went out. The plan was to get dinner, go out for drinks and retire somewhere private for the rest of the night. We did just that, minus the going out for drinks bit... I just wanted to be alone with him someplace quiet.
Dinner was great... Table for two, candlelight, rooftop restuarant at Mega Plaza (have no idea what the place is called) and lots of laughs...
Later that night at the quiet place for two, nerves set in... Spent a long time talking about it but at the end, we thought, what the hell and went for it. There are no words to describe what it was like...
SUNDAY 2nd May:
The plan was to go see a movie and we did just that... My brother had suggested Genesis Deluxe Cinemas located upstairs at the palms shopping mall and that was were we went. Decided to see Date Night and it was hilarious... That is, until the lights went off. PHCN had struck!!! Bloody generators weren't working and everyone was pissed... I couldn't help it. I screamed "I LOVE NIGERIA", burst out laughing and almost fell off my chair... Chocolate thought i was crazy but he also saw the humour in the whole incident. Went down to Newscafe to chill and from there, we went to Towers karaoke where i dazzled him with my very sexy voice... Hehehehehehe
WEDNESDAY 5th May:
He came to my house in the afternoon after skipping work earlier than he was supposed to and we were supposed to go bowling... That wasn't to be... The traffic was hellish and he didn't want to get back into it so soon after getting out of it. That was how we chilled in the house until the traffic cleared... Let's just say that by the time we got there and finished eating, the bowling arcade was closed so, we ended up at Newscafe again before i took a taxi home. Didn't want to stress him...
That's the story so far and i'm sure you all know it's been wonderfully edited. You can fill in the blank spots if you like and i won't be mad at all...
I've always loved being single but i'm also loving being in a proper relationship even more... Now, everything i want to do will be planned with someone and if i want to take off, we can do so together... It shouldn't be so bad... Afterall, every good thing comes in twos...
XXXX
Bee
Monday, May 3, 2010
A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE... I THINK...
Today, i was talking to Chocolate about past relationships... What they meant to us, how we could learn from them and how they could help our relationship become the better for it... We probably wouldn't have had this conversation but we did because curiosity took over me and i went snooping... He had sort of given me permission to check his phone... I say this because he told me the password to his BB and i figured it meant i could use his phone... I snooped and i didn't like what i saw. Even now, i'm still beating myself up for looking and i don't like the feeling... So, back to the gist...
He mentioned being concerned that i've only ever been in love with one other person before he came along. I told him that i should be more concerned because he's been in love three times before (to me, that means that he can fall in and out of love as he pleases) but he rebutted that saying he's the one who should be more concerned... The fact that one man could keep me in love long enough to not be able to love another for over a decade has him more than a little worried. I didn't think that was a problem... To my way of thinking, that should keep him secured... Because, he wouldn't have to worry that i'll skip on to someone else real fast. That should let him know that i'll love him a really long time and would stick with him as long as he treats me right. It should let him know i was stable and not a butterfly even though i sometimes claim to be one...
Somehow, we started talking about sex and the city and how the relationship between Carrie and Mr Big was... The hurts, betrayals and everything... He asked if they finally got married and i told him they did but he'd left her stranded at the ceremony before he came to his senses at the end...
I have a habit of putting my foot in it and it's always difficult to get out of that, you know... I had somehow mentioned that all that Mr Big thingy was crap. Being there, done that, will never end up with the guy i considered my Mr Big and that's that for me.
Why did i mention this? Because sometime ago, just like a few others who read my blog, he'd mentioned that there was something about it that reminded him a little of SATC.
Pause... Pause... Wondered why he wasn't talking and asked as much but he stood up to go the bathroom. When he came out, he said "you remember that one time, Carrie was dating someone but still went to have sex with Mr Big?" and then it was my turn to pause...
Finally found my tongue and told him there was no way i was going to do that to him... I wasn't going to have sex with The Brit ever again but i could see in his eyes that he didn't believe it at all. In my head, i was thinking "ok, there goes any trip i might be considering making to Abuja" because he knows The Brit lives in Abuja and if ever i was going there for any reason, alarm bells will go off in Chocolate's head...
I started thinking that maybe, just maybe, Chocolate wanted to be my Mr Big but the truth is that i do not want him to be... I don't want to love someone who gives me serious doses of pain and hurt for another 10years... Hell, that'll make me 40years old by the time i finally find the strenght to let go... As exciting as it was being with The Brit, i think i'm a little too old to be running around playing the idiot with someone else for another 10years... Too old to take any flights of fancy... It was stupid enough to wait all that time hoping he'll be mine but doing it all over again will be even stupider (my own word, get used to it)...
Tried telling this to Chocolate but he wouldn't be moved... He's really headstrong and once he latches on to something, it's a bit of a problem having him let go of that something... Now, i also get like that but when it comes to matters that concerns The Brit, i try to stay away from the subject because i'm definitely going to say something to defend him and end up pissing someone off...
Then, i said three things to Chocolate... First being that i had already told The Brit off once because he had a habit of coming back to me whenever i have a relationship that's beginning to matter. I'd once asked that he leave me alone so i can find someone who can give me all the things he couldn't. Of course he didn't listen and i guess it was my fault because i used to get in touch with him to tell him what was up in my life maybe with the hope that he'd come to his senses but now, i'm done... Ok, i didn't tell Chocolate about my role in The Brit not letting me go... OOOPSY
Secondly, i explained to him that The Brit will always be a part of my life because it's impossible to unlove one once you've loved them and no matter what he did to me, i refuse to slander The Brit in any way because most of what happened couldn't be helped. It wasn't his fault that i fell hard for him or that i kept loving him over the years... Besides, he's been and always will be my friend.
Thirdly, i described The Brit to him... They are miles apart in the looks department... Where The Brit is very tall, very slim, dark-skinned and sinfully handsome, Chocolate is nothing like that and the last thing i want is to have a constant reminder of The Brit...
Now, don't get me wrong... Chocolate is very handsome in his own right but i do not want to be with anyone who constantly reminds me of The Brit. Over the last years, i've been very careful not to date anyone who looks like that (so far, i've only had a one night stand with someone like that) and i mean to keep it that way. That is, minus the one night stand... It wouldn't do well to have my heart broken by the twin of the one who did it before.
The most important thing which i should've mentioned but didn't was that i'm more likely to spend forever with Chocolate...
Or did i? Think i said something about the fact that The Brit was married to which Chocolate replied that Mr Big was divorced. Then, i told Chocolate that apart from being the first son of a king, The Brit was also Catholic and there was no way in hell he was getting a divorce from his wife!!! Even if he could get one, i'm not sure i'd want a man who leaves his wife for me because chances are, he'll also leave me for another...
From where i'm sitting, i can't even imagine trading Chocolate for The Brit and i'm thinking it's time i finally lay what i had with The Brit to rest because Chocolate isn't the only one who has worried about not being able to live up to The Brit... I once dated someone who constantly worried that The Brit was going to show up anytime and take me away from him and it was very hard to allay his fears until it finally drove a wedge between us... Truth is, no one can live up to The Brit because, he's who he is... My first love... He always will be that because one cannot have 2 first loves... I'm not looking to replace him as it isn't possible and i'm not sure i want a replacement... I just want the ONE... That one special someone that'll love me as much as i do them... There is so much i get from Chocolate that i definitely cannot get from The Brit. Saying "I love you" being one of those things...
So, from henceforth, it's going to have to be like Chocolate says it... WELCOME TO A BRAND NEW DAY...
XXXX
Bee
He mentioned being concerned that i've only ever been in love with one other person before he came along. I told him that i should be more concerned because he's been in love three times before (to me, that means that he can fall in and out of love as he pleases) but he rebutted that saying he's the one who should be more concerned... The fact that one man could keep me in love long enough to not be able to love another for over a decade has him more than a little worried. I didn't think that was a problem... To my way of thinking, that should keep him secured... Because, he wouldn't have to worry that i'll skip on to someone else real fast. That should let him know that i'll love him a really long time and would stick with him as long as he treats me right. It should let him know i was stable and not a butterfly even though i sometimes claim to be one...
Somehow, we started talking about sex and the city and how the relationship between Carrie and Mr Big was... The hurts, betrayals and everything... He asked if they finally got married and i told him they did but he'd left her stranded at the ceremony before he came to his senses at the end...
I have a habit of putting my foot in it and it's always difficult to get out of that, you know... I had somehow mentioned that all that Mr Big thingy was crap. Being there, done that, will never end up with the guy i considered my Mr Big and that's that for me.
Why did i mention this? Because sometime ago, just like a few others who read my blog, he'd mentioned that there was something about it that reminded him a little of SATC.
Pause... Pause... Wondered why he wasn't talking and asked as much but he stood up to go the bathroom. When he came out, he said "you remember that one time, Carrie was dating someone but still went to have sex with Mr Big?" and then it was my turn to pause...
Finally found my tongue and told him there was no way i was going to do that to him... I wasn't going to have sex with The Brit ever again but i could see in his eyes that he didn't believe it at all. In my head, i was thinking "ok, there goes any trip i might be considering making to Abuja" because he knows The Brit lives in Abuja and if ever i was going there for any reason, alarm bells will go off in Chocolate's head...
I started thinking that maybe, just maybe, Chocolate wanted to be my Mr Big but the truth is that i do not want him to be... I don't want to love someone who gives me serious doses of pain and hurt for another 10years... Hell, that'll make me 40years old by the time i finally find the strenght to let go... As exciting as it was being with The Brit, i think i'm a little too old to be running around playing the idiot with someone else for another 10years... Too old to take any flights of fancy... It was stupid enough to wait all that time hoping he'll be mine but doing it all over again will be even stupider (my own word, get used to it)...
Tried telling this to Chocolate but he wouldn't be moved... He's really headstrong and once he latches on to something, it's a bit of a problem having him let go of that something... Now, i also get like that but when it comes to matters that concerns The Brit, i try to stay away from the subject because i'm definitely going to say something to defend him and end up pissing someone off...
Then, i said three things to Chocolate... First being that i had already told The Brit off once because he had a habit of coming back to me whenever i have a relationship that's beginning to matter. I'd once asked that he leave me alone so i can find someone who can give me all the things he couldn't. Of course he didn't listen and i guess it was my fault because i used to get in touch with him to tell him what was up in my life maybe with the hope that he'd come to his senses but now, i'm done... Ok, i didn't tell Chocolate about my role in The Brit not letting me go... OOOPSY
Secondly, i explained to him that The Brit will always be a part of my life because it's impossible to unlove one once you've loved them and no matter what he did to me, i refuse to slander The Brit in any way because most of what happened couldn't be helped. It wasn't his fault that i fell hard for him or that i kept loving him over the years... Besides, he's been and always will be my friend.
Thirdly, i described The Brit to him... They are miles apart in the looks department... Where The Brit is very tall, very slim, dark-skinned and sinfully handsome, Chocolate is nothing like that and the last thing i want is to have a constant reminder of The Brit...
Now, don't get me wrong... Chocolate is very handsome in his own right but i do not want to be with anyone who constantly reminds me of The Brit. Over the last years, i've been very careful not to date anyone who looks like that (so far, i've only had a one night stand with someone like that) and i mean to keep it that way. That is, minus the one night stand... It wouldn't do well to have my heart broken by the twin of the one who did it before.
The most important thing which i should've mentioned but didn't was that i'm more likely to spend forever with Chocolate...
Or did i? Think i said something about the fact that The Brit was married to which Chocolate replied that Mr Big was divorced. Then, i told Chocolate that apart from being the first son of a king, The Brit was also Catholic and there was no way in hell he was getting a divorce from his wife!!! Even if he could get one, i'm not sure i'd want a man who leaves his wife for me because chances are, he'll also leave me for another...
From where i'm sitting, i can't even imagine trading Chocolate for The Brit and i'm thinking it's time i finally lay what i had with The Brit to rest because Chocolate isn't the only one who has worried about not being able to live up to The Brit... I once dated someone who constantly worried that The Brit was going to show up anytime and take me away from him and it was very hard to allay his fears until it finally drove a wedge between us... Truth is, no one can live up to The Brit because, he's who he is... My first love... He always will be that because one cannot have 2 first loves... I'm not looking to replace him as it isn't possible and i'm not sure i want a replacement... I just want the ONE... That one special someone that'll love me as much as i do them... There is so much i get from Chocolate that i definitely cannot get from The Brit. Saying "I love you" being one of those things...
So, from henceforth, it's going to have to be like Chocolate says it... WELCOME TO A BRAND NEW DAY...
XXXX
Bee
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