A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE... I THINK...

Today, i was talking to Chocolate about past relationships... What they meant to us, how we could learn from them and how they could help our relationship become the better for it... We probably wouldn't have had this conversation but we did because curiosity took over me and i went snooping... He had sort of given me permission to check his phone... I say this because he told me the password to his BB and i figured it meant i could use his phone... I snooped and i didn't like what i saw. Even now, i'm still beating myself up for looking and i don't like the feeling... So, back to the gist...
He mentioned being concerned that i've only ever been in love with one other person before he came along. I told him that i should be more concerned because he's been in love three times before (to me, that means that he can fall in and out of love as he pleases) but he rebutted that saying he's the one who should be more concerned... The fact that one man could keep me in love long enough to not be able to love another for over a decade has him more than a little worried. I didn't think that was a problem... To my way of thinking, that should keep him secured... Because, he wouldn't have to worry that i'll skip on to someone else real fast. That should let him know that i'll love him a really long time and would stick with him as long as he treats me right. It should let him know i was stable and not a butterfly even though i sometimes claim to be one...
Somehow, we started talking about sex and the city and how the relationship between Carrie and Mr Big was... The hurts, betrayals and everything... He asked if they finally got married and i told him they did but he'd left her stranded at the ceremony before he came to his senses at the end...
I have a habit of putting my foot in it and it's always difficult to get out of that, you know... I had somehow mentioned that all that Mr Big thingy was crap. Being there, done that, will never end up with the guy i considered my Mr Big and that's that for me.
Why did i mention this? Because sometime ago, just like a few others who read my blog, he'd mentioned that there was something about it that reminded him a little of SATC.
Pause... Pause... Wondered why he wasn't talking and asked as much but he stood up to go the bathroom. When he came out, he said "you remember that one time, Carrie was dating someone but still went to have sex with Mr Big?" and then it was my turn to pause...
Finally found my tongue and told him there was no way i was going to do that to him... I wasn't going to have sex with The Brit ever again but i could see in his eyes that he didn't believe it at all. In my head, i was thinking "ok, there goes any trip i might be considering making to Abuja" because he knows The Brit lives in Abuja and if ever i was going there for any reason, alarm bells will go off in Chocolate's head...
I started thinking that maybe, just maybe, Chocolate wanted to be my Mr Big but the truth is that i do not want him to be... I don't want to love someone who gives me serious doses of pain and hurt for another 10years... Hell, that'll make me 40years old by the time i finally find the strenght to let go... As exciting as it was being with The Brit, i think i'm a little too old to be running around playing the idiot with someone else for another 10years... Too old to take any flights of fancy... It was stupid enough to wait all that time hoping he'll be mine but doing it all over again will be even stupider (my own word, get used to it)...
Tried telling this to Chocolate but he wouldn't be moved... He's really headstrong and once he latches on to something, it's a bit of a problem having him let go of that something... Now, i also get like that but when it comes to matters that concerns The Brit, i try to stay away from the subject because i'm definitely going to say something to defend him and end up pissing someone off...
Then, i said three things to Chocolate... First being that i had already told The Brit off once because he had a habit of coming back to me whenever i have a relationship that's beginning to matter. I'd once asked that he leave me alone so i can find someone who can give me all the things he couldn't. Of course he didn't listen and i guess it was my fault because i used to get in touch with him to tell him what was up in my life maybe with the hope that he'd come to his senses but now, i'm done... Ok, i didn't tell Chocolate about my role in The Brit not letting me go... OOOPSY
Secondly, i explained to him that The Brit will always be a part of my life because it's impossible to unlove one once you've loved them and no matter what he did to me, i refuse to slander The Brit in any way because most of what happened couldn't be helped. It wasn't his fault that i fell hard for him or that i kept loving him over the years... Besides, he's been and always will be my friend.
Thirdly, i described The Brit to him... They are miles apart in the looks department... Where The Brit is very tall, very slim, dark-skinned and sinfully handsome, Chocolate is nothing like that and the last thing i want is to have a constant reminder of The Brit...
Now, don't get me wrong... Chocolate is very handsome in his own right but i do not want to be with anyone who constantly reminds me of The Brit. Over the last years, i've been very careful not to date anyone who looks like that (so far, i've only had a one night stand with someone like that) and i mean to keep it that way. That is, minus the one night stand... It wouldn't do well to have my heart broken by the twin of the one who did it before.
The most important thing which i should've mentioned but didn't was that i'm more likely to spend forever with Chocolate...
Or did i? Think i said something about the fact that The Brit was married to which Chocolate replied that Mr Big was divorced. Then, i told Chocolate that apart from being the first son of a king, The Brit was also Catholic and there was no way in hell he was getting a divorce from his wife!!! Even if he could get one, i'm not sure i'd want a man who leaves his wife for me because chances are, he'll also leave me for another...
From where i'm sitting, i can't even imagine trading Chocolate for The Brit and i'm thinking it's time i finally lay what i had with The Brit to rest because Chocolate isn't the only one who has worried about not being able to live up to The Brit... I once dated someone who constantly worried that The Brit was going to show up anytime and take me away from him and it was very hard to allay his fears until it finally drove a wedge between us... Truth is, no one can live up to The Brit because, he's who he is... My first love... He always will be that because one cannot have 2 first loves... I'm not looking to replace him as it isn't possible and i'm not sure i want a replacement... I just want the ONE... That one special someone that'll love me as much as i do them... There is so much i get from Chocolate that i definitely cannot get from The Brit. Saying "I love you" being one of those things...
So, from henceforth, it's going to have to be like Chocolate says it... WELCOME TO A BRAND NEW DAY...
XXXX
Bee