ATONEMENT...

Was awake most of last night reflecting on my life... My family, my friends...
The day didn't start very well and it just went downhill from there...
Sometime very early this morning, i realised that i was selfish and unforgiving and i didn't like that about myself at all... It seemed like i was holding on to my past instead of moving forward from it and i realised that i was guilty of what i usually accused E of... Same thing i accused my mother of... Holding on and refusing to let go of past hurts...
I am of the belief that only when we let go can we truly move forward and be happy but i seemed to have fallen into the category of people who do not practice what they preach... I thought long and hard about everything and i realised that i held a grudge against almost everyone in my life including myself!
In my sober reflection, i remembered something D said to me on the day i told her about the rage i had inside me... She said "Bee, forgive yourself... Not everything that happens is your fault... Forgive yourself, forgive the others that have offended you and then find a way to deal with the rage... You have to be a whole person before you can be with someone else... You're broken and if you continue like this, you will break everyone around you as well and you will never be happy"...
I decided there was only one thing to do... Forgive and ask for forgivness...
In being selfish, i have offended a lot of people in so many ways... I had said words that hurt to almost everyone around me and it didn't occur to me at the time that the people i was offending may hold grudges against me just like i held against others...
The lord's prayer says in part "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us"... To be forgiven, i had to forgive...
Brought up every one who'd hurt me that i hadn't forgiven in my head and imagined that they were ropes binding me... Then i started to mentally untie the ropes one at a time until i'd gotten them all out. When i finished doing this, i picked up my bible went down on my knees and read psalm 51, then prayed and asked God for forgiveness...
Next step, i called my father and begged for his... He was quick to forgive me and he prayed for me... I then sent a message to everyone i've known asking their forgiveness for things i have done either by mistake or design...

In my stupidity and selfishness, i was slowly chipping away at my life, my peace of mind and it was all festering inside me. Better that i came to this realisation on my own now before i completely ruined my life to the point of no return.
Until now, i didn't realise how loving and understanding the people around me were... I'm going to become a much better person or die trying...
I feel at peace with everything now and that makes me happy...
XXXX
Bee