FRIENDS... OR LACK THEREOF

The last 2 nights have been really bad... I've been having trouble sleeping thanks to PHCN's decision to hold on to power and the mosquitoes that came with rain. I'm not one who usually sleeps at night but i like to sleep in the morning... 2 or max 3am is fine by me. It also helps that i have a flexible work schedule but when i'm sleep-deprived, i tend to be grouchy... and touchy... and brittle... I'll snap when it's least expected. That's why i need my beauty sleep.
Sitting in this afternoon with my sis, her boyfriend and her friend, i was killing time till 4pm when i would go for the FADAN fashion show i was invited for when it hit me suddenly. I don't have any friends i can really call friends... Don't get me wrong, i know many people but i don't have close friends... It's been almost two years since i fell out with the last group and i suppose some will say that it's time to put that behind me and make new friends but the truth is, i'm scared shitless (excuse me, my French is not so good)...
As a woman, i'm expected to have other women to gossip with but the truth is i'm gossip-less. Due to past experiences, i try to shut my mouth now when people are talking because i tend to over-talk when i'm excited but isn't that what friendship is about? Having people to share tid-bits of everyday life with? It was just sad that every thing i used to say was mis-construed and when it came back, it sounds mean. I'm not averse to people telling me the truth about myself, the thing is i actually like it. I remember one day when i left the house after smoking and someone outside moved away from me because, i was reeking of cigarettes. I didn't know until i asked him and i was very embarrassed. When i got home, i started harrassing my friend/flatmate because we walked out together and could have told me but chose not to... Her excuse? Oh, she thought i'll be mad... For telling me the truth? Come on...
I know i'm not an easy person to be friends with but i try to create room for other people's short comings... I'm not suspicious, i have a habit of genuinely liking someone (no strings attached) and i would go the extra mile for a friend. I do not expect the same courtesy neither do i get upset if i get nothing in return. Truth is, i like company... Well, sometimes... The only thing wrong with me i guess is the fact that i'm a honest to God perfectionist. I like order and i like good carriage... I hate confrontations (some will argue that i have no spine because of this) and i hate violence. I'm not judgemental but i may give you ''the look'' if you embarrass yourself in public. I also tend to keep some of my affairs private but that doesn't mean i like my friend less.
The last sentence just reminded me of a friend of mine i went to Abuja with in 2008 for 2 nights. We were going to London and our flight was cancelled so, she decided we should go chill in Abuja till we could get a flight out to London. While there, i decided to use the opportunity to go see ''The Brit'' as i hadn't seen him in a while (he now lives in Abuja)... Took off alone to see him and when he came to drop me off, i introduced my friend to him which was a huge deal for me. In any case, she was still upset. I should've asked her to go with me... I said there was no way i could've done that because i went there to wake him up with morning love... Did she think i'll be comfortable having sex in the bedroom while she waits for me in the sitting room? I tried to explain but she was really pissed... Telling me she asks me to go everywhere with her but i never ask her to go anywhere with me... I felt really sad she couldn't understand the fact that i like a measure of privacy in my life and it had nothing to do with her because i really liked her. She was bubbly to my calm and she was smily to my straight face... I always thought she brought out the best of me and because of that, i used to go way out to make her life easier as best as i could because i didn't want to lose her friendship but she thought otherwise. It just went downhill from there. She later told me that my friendship was emotionally draining for her and because i do not want to be anyone's pain, i took a few steps back. Those few steps have now widened to the big berth i tried to bridge today but as things like that go, it didn't work out. She didn't want to see me. Though, she never told me that exactly, the excuses she made sent the message across loud and clear.
My sisters tell me that i do not really need friends because i tend to over-do and i now become a fool of sorts for my friends but i do know how i feel deep inside. If i can't find a man, i should be able to find a friend or two... I miss being part of a group... I miss having someone to bitch with... I miss having someone to go shopping with... I miss having someone to do girly stuff with... I miss having a friend but how do i go about finding one when i'm so horribly shy?
Heaven knows...
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Bee