Untitled....

What is wrong with me?
I seem to always throw a good thing away whenever i find it because i worry overly much, are impatient and mostly insecure...
What do i do?

NONSENSICAL NONSENSE...

I have no idea how to start writing this but i'm seriously in need of some advice here... I have no sense of what a relationship should be like and believe me, i have tried to find out with no luck whatsoever... This crazy thought is in my head that if i don't learn how to be in a relationship, i will end up being alone for the rest of my life has taken root and wouldn't go away try as i have to shake my head in an attempt to clear it out... I am terrified of a life in void... What sort of personal life will i have if i were alone? Will i have to keep calling my siblings to tell them of my failures and successes and whatever else i feel the need to share? My friends and siblings have their own lives and i'm secondary which doesn't surprise me... They figured that by now i'd have the partner i always wanted to have (i'm not crazy about marriage) and would've settled now to a life of normalcy of some sort. I keep disappointing myself everyday and to compound issues, i now have this funny thing going on with Mr Man that i can't quite put a name to...
It seems to me like this relationship is coming to an end and i have no idea what to do... I have this pain in my chest that comes everytime i try to walk away from something that makes me happy... You know that feeling you get in your chest when you are close to tears, that's how i feel now and just so i don't bawl over my computer, i will have to stop writing... This will officially be my shortest relationship ever!!! It only lasted a week... Oh my God...
XXXX
Bee

MY SILENT THOUGHTS...

Used to know a girl whom after sleeping with a guy once, decides the guy is her boyfriend and would go to any lenght to make sure the guy knows it. Calling him at all hours, going to his house at 7am to catch him before he goes to work especially if he hadn't been taking her calls. She would even keep people on his watch to let her know his location at everytime so she can go place herself right in front of him. The funny thing is that she gives the guy only 2wks of disturbance and if he still doesn't come to his senses and accept her as his girlfriend, she lets him go... Completely. I'm sure the guys she's done this to begin to wonder how weird it is for someone to be that way. Crazy thing is, she's one of the most intelligent people i know... Guys and girls alike... I used to wonder why she does that but i could never really understand... I cannot say that i've started to understand but i do know now that everyone had his/her own brand of crazy and i also believe that for one crazy, there's another kind of crazy that is crazy about that crazy... This sounds like something written by a loon but i won't delete it. Thing is, said girl is now engaged to someone who is head over heels in love with her kind of crazy... Weird, isn't it???
Then, there was the girl who was dating an asshole... Asshole she was totally in love with. He didn't feel the same way about her and she started looking for ways to get his attention... Apparently, she was a sex machine and he kept going to her for sex. Other than the sex, he wasn't interested in making it official. There were no dates, just wild crazy sex in his office, a hotel, his car or wherever. Everywhere except in his house. Because i'm a smart girl, i kept my mouth shut about the relationship (By smart i mean i avoided getting kicked or worse) and waited for it to run it's natural course... She told me she knew what she was doing (i doubted it though) and i pretended to understand even though i had no idea what the fuck she was doing... Next thing i knew, my girl was 4months pregnant for the asshole... He told her he didn't want to have a baby wit her and that was when she went balistic... Stalking was an understatement compared to what she did to him. It got so bad that i started feeling sorry for the guy after a while... I'm sure the guy would kiss my feet if he knew i was the one who convinced her to have the pregnancy removed... After she did, she didn't want to even hear his name mentioned again and that was that... 8years on, she's married to a beautiful man and they have a beautiful son. Like Mr Man would say, to each, her own... How mad girls like this could find men who would ignore the crazy and tie themselves to these girls beats me but who can say what anyone likes?
As for me, i've been different kinds of crazy. Worse being after The Brit called to tell me he didn't want to be with me anymore. I kept my cool when he was telling me on the phone and i'm sure the only reason i did that was because i was having dinner with some people at Eko hotel at the time. Next day, i went totally crazy... Believe me i did and said stuff to him that i shouldn't. I should have handled it like a lady but did i? Hell no... I called and called and called and called but when he didn't answer my calls, i started texting... For someone who's forever writing, i'm sure anyone can guess the sort of things i sent to him. Veiled insults, direct hits, tear-filled notes, everything that i should never have sent. I would ignore him for a while and date someone but whenever something went wrong in my relationship, i would text to blame him. Why he still talks to me beats me because i would never speak to me again if i were him but i realised something not so long ago. I think he ignored all i did because he loved me and also because he felt guilty... However it went, it's a good thing that i became that way because now, he knows me more than anyone in this whole world and i know he can understand anything i say to him now.
The search for that crazy person who would accept my kind of crazy is still on... I may be nice and all but truth is, i'm one the most difficult persons to date or be friends with. I have all this private thoughts in my head that are my best friends and whom i just refuse to let go of. Unfortunately, it gets me labelled a ''wierdo'' but what can i say? I am me and you are you and maybe we can find a way to live together and be happy...
I have been with both crazy, sexy and cool people but for some reason i drift more to crazy because i have this thought in my head that the crazy would understand a wierdo. Unfortunately that hasn't been the case. Instead, the reverse has been more like it. They expect me to accept their crzy but my weirdness is un-acceptable otherwise, how do you explain Kunle who had a crazy afro, smoked every cigarette like it would be his last, never says ''thank you'' whenever i cook him breakfast, ignores me when i walk into his house and would only have sex his way? And that is just the tip of the iceberg... He expected me to live with his shortcomings but he couldn't live with mine and i knew i had to end it 4months before i did... I know, i never talk about that relationship because it was a complete waste of time but fact remains that i've had trouble getting acceptance from friends or dates alike... Even family are a bit wary of me because they can never know what i'll pull next. A friend once told me i was the most complicated person she knew but how can i help it? I am who i am and if i haven't changed now, i don't know that i can or even if i want to... I believe that the i'm one of those people you can never be bored with. Besides, crazy keeps things interesting, doesn't it?
I hope that someday, i'll be able to find someone who can live with my weirdness and accept it for what it is... Just weirdness they might never be able to understand... Until then...
XXXX
Bee

TO LOVE OR TO LUST...

25th June last year, i wrote something down. I’m not exactly sure what i was thinking about on the day but here’s what i wrote: When i’m scared, i run... When i’m loved, it scares me... When i’m pushed away, i cling... When i get afraid, i get very angry and lash out... When i’m cared for, i get confused and don’t know how to react... I’m looking to love and be loved but how do i manage all these feelings and reactions? Will i ever find what i’m looking for?
I probably have too many conflicting emotions and i don’t know how anyone can handle that. I’m the one person i know who can love and hate at the same time which goes to show how complicated i am. What person does that? I am never really able to decide what my feelings are and to compound issues, i do not know when to shut the hell up. I say things to people immediately i feel them but the one thing i’ve never been quite able to say to anyone is ‘’i hate you’’ even when i’m feeling that emotion towards said person. It’s easier for me to handle things when they are put into words... I’m the kind of person who’d go on and on asking questions and i never really get satisfied even when i’ve been answered. That answer will only lead to another question and so on until i see that the person is getting weary of answering questions. Though i may stop asking the person questions, if you look at me you’d see the questions in my eyes and that’s when you’d realise that i still have questions in my head and the only reason i’m not asking is so as not to annoy... I’m never satisfied with a simple yes or no, i like details and would go really deep until i find the answer. Sometimes, the answers i want are not the ones i get but i prefer to know than not knowing.
So, i’ve decided that there’s something Mr Man isn’t telling me... Which is quite strange considering we talk about almost everything and i’m very comfortable with him. What put that idea in my head? I guess it has to do with how much time he spends on his blackberry and how he evades even the most basic questions i ask him. I decided he has a girlfriend somewhere that he hasn’t told me about... He didn’t even deny it, as a matter of fact he totally ignored me when i brought it up until he realised that i wouldn’t let it go until i give him an answer. He said i was nit-picking... I didn’t find that funny at all... Stared at him in mild shock for a few seconds which made him think i didn’t know what nit-picking means. When he started trying to explain, i told him i knew what he meant. He then told me to think about how much time we’ve been spending together and to ask myself if he’d spend that much time with me if he had another girlfriend somewhere... I didn’t have an answer for him but i still wasn’t convinced... She probably doesn’t live in Lagos, who knows? I should let it go i know but i’m not one to drop an issue easily the moment i pick it up. Maybe going with the flow isn’t such a good idea after-all. It’ll probably be better if i become logical and take this step with my head balanced firmly in the middle of my shoulders. It wouldn’t help to go crazy as i did with The Brit because it was bad and i started seriously doubting my mental health. I thought i had become a full-on crazy person and even though i knew it, i just couldn’t help it... If i keep reminding myself everyday, i might be able to let go of the thoughts in my head and treat this relationship like none other i had ever had... That’ll be a good place to start...
XXXX
Bee

Ms VS Mrs (THE UN-ENDING BATTLE)

I don't know why married women (Mrs) are always worried about single gals (Ms)... There's always this seperation in every gathering... You can always tell the married women from the sigle gals. The married women walk around with this air of ''i'm married and i'm better than you single babes'' while the single girls walk around with the confidence of hunters scanning the perimeter for bush-meat. The married women always have this worry that one of the single gals might start sleeping with her husband while the single girls look at the married women with the thought that ''would it i were the one he was married to'' especially if the man is IT...
Recently, i had issues with a married gal. I call her a married gal because we're about the same age and she hasn't even been married 2years yet. She'd only seen me once and didn't really know me well yet she claimed to know me really well and that i was a prostitute... WHAT??? I saw red... I was so angry, i almost went looking for her to deck her but the more i thought about it, the more i realised it wasn't worth it at all and i was only going to succeed in giving her more fodder for gossip. I just let it go and decided to ignore her and whatever else she says...
The one thing some of these so-called married women forget is that once upon a time, they were also single. I've had friends whom after getting married immediately turn on me with talk like ''Outside never tire you? Benny abeg find husband marry'' and that really gets me. I'm sure the few who tried that line with me have not so nice stories to say about me because trust me, i'll give it you bad even if it meant hitting below the belt. I personally find it really bad taste for one woman to call another woman a prostitute because very few women in this world can honestly say that the only man they've had sex with in their life is the man they are married to. By the way, who's to say who's a prostitute or not? In the afternoon, even the girls who stand on the road soliciting, would dress properly and blend nicely in with the non-prostitutes... How do you then know the difference? What if after you call another woman a prostitute down the road and then moments later up the road someone calls you a prostitute? Oho................
It'll be really nice if married women stop viewing single girls as threats... I do know for sure that when i'm married, i would still be the girl i am... I have no plans to remind anyone i am a Mrs if they mistakenly refer to me as a Ms. As a matter of fact, it'll make me feel good because i do know for sure that single women dress a lot better and look a lot hotter that married women. If that wasn't the case, men will not bother leaving their missus at home to chase after them. As for us single wome, let's all remove our eyes from what doesn't belong to us aka married men because we'll get married tomorrow and our mouths will be too heavy to complain is someone starts sleeping with our husbands...
Why did i write about this today? It had to do with Mr Man who reffered to me as Mrs something and i said something like ''Ms, i beg ur pardon''... I'm no-one's Mrs and may not be for a while yet and even if or when i am, i'd probably not use a title... I don't need a title to remind me of my status. HE will be a constant reminder, whoever HE may be...
XXXX
Bee

SCREWED...

I'm floating... Floating on a wave of euphoria... How long it will last, i have no idea... I'm always given to rational thinking but right now, i say fuck that... I'm just going to ride along carefree on this tornado and see where it takes me. If i land hard on my bottom, too bad. I do know for sure that this wasn't a mistake and whatever happens, i will not regret it because i'm having the time of my life. I know, i know, i'm given to bouts of melodrama and making mountains out of mole-hills but a girl is allowed to dream, isn't she? It's rare to find someone who's on the same page as you. Someone you do not have to explain things to before they understand...
I had stuff in my head to write on here today but Mr Man just blew all my intelligent thoughts to hell and beyond and i sit here with nothing... Absolutely nothing... All i have in my head now is feeling... All i can do now is feel... I can't complain... I am a woman, just a woman and if i complain about being that, i might as well just pack it up and head up to Timbuktu (where the hell is that by the way?) but i don't see myself anywhere except where i am right now. I'm sitting here with a silly smile on my face watching him sleep and wondering how i got so lucky to have found someone like him, I don't want this feeling to go away. I hope it doesn't go away... I haven't been this happy in awhile and thankfully, i don't have to be afraid to be happy with him. What happens tomorrow, i have no idea. The only thing i can do is live for the moment and take it as it comes... It's been what? 4days since we arrived here and some may argue that it's too short a time to be this exhilarated but i say screw you, i'm happy... He makes me happy and believe me it's not the cautious kind of happy that i feel with The Brit. It's the ''no holds barred, let it all out'' kind of happy that i used to feel with The Brit... The funny thing is that he's the exact opposite of what i usually go for meaning, the exact opposite of The Brit. He's not that tall, he's light skinned, he's crazy, he talks a lot and he just doesn't care what anyone will say... My usual kind will be taller than i am, dark-skinned, calm, quiet, reserved and would care... But not him... Why am i with him? Damn if i know but i do know this, i don't want it to end... I know that i can never be bored with him... What girl would be? Definitely not me... Though, i'm not in love with him or anything like that but i'm thinking it's only a matter of time before that happens... I do not fall that easily because i'm too cautious but now, i'm throwing caution to the wind and plunging all the way in.
This morning when i went to see some friends, they told me my blog was too explicit or whatever. I say or whatever because i don't want to use the exact words they used... It annoys me... Once upon a time when Candace Bushnell started writing ''sex and the city'', more than a few eyebrows were raised (no, i'm not trying to compare myself to her... she's fantastic and way out of my league... i'm just saying) but today, everyone has seen the series and the movie made out of her columns and a lot of people are looking for her old articles, myself inclusive... They said something about too much sex in my blog... Too much sex? It's not like i have sex everyday (even though i wish i do) and i certainly am not a slut (even if some think i am and i've called myself that a few times in annoyance) but i didn't want to find myself in the spot i did last year... Pills in hand with no guts to take them... Crying everyday because i had no one to talk to... Depressed out of my mind and being prescibed happy pills... Blood pressure way too low... Nobody except me knew how i felt and i got tired of writing a diary because people steal it to read behind my back. I decided to write the diary out here so there'll be no reason for anyone to steal it because believe it or not, i have a very interesting life. Like i wrote on facebook, whoever finds this offensive should simply stop reading. You weren't forced to read it in the first place and if you think i'm revealing too much, your bloody business.
That said, i think i'm going to have to wake Mr Man up with a kiss...
XXXX
Bee

OBSESSION

A few years ago, i was my shop doing the usual when a very tall guy walked in to ask for help. He went to see someone, he said but couldn't find the person and was now stranded... You know the usual story for Lagos beggars... I was in no mood to be bothered so, i gave him 500naira, sent him on him on his way and promptly forgot about him... Little did i know that this would be the guy that'll stalk me for the next 2years plus something.

Later that evening while driving home from the shop with Anastasia turned on high and my voice even louder, i didn't hear my phone ringing. Wasn't until i got to Victoria Island and stopped to refresh my cigarette supply did i hear it. Answered to a voice i couldn't recognise... He said ''Hi, my name is Harrison and i'm the guy you helped earlier today''... Trust me, the first thing i asked him was how he got my number and he said he took some fliers and my card from my shop (i usually kept them on the front counter). He wanted to say thank you again. Told him it was okay and he didn't have to call me anymore. After i hung up, i saw that i had 35 missed calls from a number i couldn't recognise. When i checked recieved calls, i found out it was his number and that was the beginning of the missed calls, text messages and more that he kept sending me. I moved shops, he found me. I changed numbers 4 times and he still found a way to get my number. Somehow, he traced me to my house and that was when i completely lost it. I flew at him with a lot of punches before getting him arrested. He didn't even stop. Now, i don't live in that house anymore, i have no shop and i have new numbers...

On saturday, i got a call from a number i didn't recognise from a guy who called himself Obiora. He claimed he knew me from Surulere and i gave him my number myself when i had a shop on Alade close. This was really funny because i left Alade Close for Bode Thomas in 2007 and i had changed numbers 3times since then (thanks to Harrison) so, i couldn't understand how he could have the number i use now. I tried checking my mental database but i came up empty. I couldn't remember him or anything else... He kept calling until sunday evening when i'd just about had it and i gave the phone to ''Mr Man'' to answer him. He insulted my man and hung up then sent me a text that said ''Fuck you and go to hell''. I ignored it but then he sent another one that said ''anyways i tot if i could see your pants down and 2 giv u some change''... I couldn't help the laughter that burst out of my mouth. As i already had an experience with that, i completely ignored the text.

I wonder why i had this situation... Obsession... It's the only word i can find to use for what happened in both cases. That was the reason Harrison used to send me text messages to say if i didn't marry him he'll kill himself and it'll be on my head and when ignore that, i get a text that calls me a slut or a text that i should count my days that i'll die soon... It was scaring and frustrating... Even the police couldn't do anything except slap him around a bit then, ask him to pay a huge bail. He even called me once to say i wasted my time arresting him. That one of the policewomen fell in love with him and let him g. He could kill me or do whatever he wanted with me and there's nothing the police could do to him. Why he was so obsessed with me, i have no idea but i knew that i had to stop this so-called Obiora before he got there. It was a pattern i didn't want to repeat. Hopefully, he got the message...

I'M NOT AVAILABLE TO STALKERS OR OBSESSIVE PEOPLE...

XXXX

Bee

UP AND AWAY...

What is going on with me? I seem to be a bit confused or just plain annoying these days... First, it was my mistake with Button. Next, my getting insanely angry yesterday... I blame myself for everything but the truth is, there are people who just have a knack for pushing one to the edge. Yesterday, it was Joy who asked me to come to her bar in Lekki 1 to pick up the money she owes me. I went there only to hear that she hadn't been there at all the whole day... Called her only to hear one annoying story of how she had to run off to Ikeja... What? And she couldn't even call to tell me her plans had changed??? Mind, there's a petrol scarcity that has lasted longer than anyone expected... I didn't even have a lot of petrol in my car and the time it takes to get petrol is another matter... I drove back home mad as hell and ready to burst...
Now, there's someone i met recently... To preserve his identity, i'll call him ''Mr Man''. When we met, there wasn't even a single spark of attraction on my part but i found him really interesting to talk to... He crept up on me gradually and one day, i found myself looking at him differently... As it was, i was getting a sizzle someone deep within that was threathening to spark into a flame and i needed to know what it was... So, we'd talked earlier in the day with plans to meet later in the evening but i didn't see him until much later when i was already home fuming with steam coming out my ears when he called to ask to come to mine... I was like ''ok''... He came, with drinks and we proceeded to get roaring drunk while he kept jumping all around. Someone who's got as much boundless energy i've never met before... Add the fact that just a little bit uptight and you can imagine what it'd have been like... I found myself smiling wondering how one person can have that much energy? I never thought it possible... There are times i wake up with a lot of energy and i work it off by going for a run or tidying up around the house. It scares everyone when i tidy up because i throw a lot of stuff in the trash. As a matter of fact, i even threw out Roberta's money sometime ago and had to go dig in the trash to retrieve it. I'd thought it was a piece of paper... Back to the original gist, i was just sitting here looking at him bounding around like a 5yr old when somehow, i found myself drawn to his mouth and before i had time to think about what i was doing, i kissed him... (verdict's in, i'm a slut... or not) His lips were soft like a dream and i leaned in for more... Told him i wasn't interested in casual sex (i've had enough of that, thanks a whole lot) but what i wanted was a proper relationship. Asked him to stay the night... He did... The rest is history but it turned out to be the best night i've had in a really long time. I love to cuddle... A lot... I got that and even more.
As i write this, i have no idea what tomorrow will bring but i am hopeful... I really need to settle down for a while... All this hopping around making mistakes and having sex just for the hell of it is really beginning to wear me out and i could use some stability even if it's just for a while... What can i say? I've spent too long occupying my head with fantasies of ''The Brit'' and it'll be really nice to have someone i don't have to share with anyone... Wish me luck...
XXXX
Bee

LITTLE ANNOYANCES...

This is one of the painful parts of living in Lagos and even the whole of Nigeria... How does one manage without light? To compound issues, there's a serious petrol scarcity that has been going on for over a month... Now, i have no light and no petrol for my generator. Writing my blog is now a problem... There's also the fact that i'm really mad today. You know the kind of mad that gets steam blowing out your ears? Yes, that kind.
So, i am going to just chill until i calm down before i write something... So, my friends be patient...
XXXX
Bee

MISTAKES...

I sometimes worry about myself... I don't know if other people worry about me too but i do know that they don't really have to bother because i all the worrying... How can a person know that something she's about to do is wrong yet still go ahead to do it? I once told a friend of mine that i think i'm a masochist... What sort of person would know that they'll only get pain from a particular thing and yet still go ahead with it... Case in point, my relationship with ''The Brit''. He has a habit of coming close to me when he wants me and then ignore me when he's had enough... It's just sad... It's just like a woman who dates a guy that abuses her physically yet still stays with him (No, i've never experienced physical abuse from a man i was dating, my dad doesn't count). Anyone who's not in the relationship with her would not understand but trying to help someone like that is extremely hard... I really wish i could get out of that but i seem unable to extract myself from those ropes i seem to have bound myself with...
Something happened yesterday that i was too ashamed to share but the events of today had me thinking... I need serious advice people... Okay, maybe i also need help. There is someone who'll read this that i really wish wouldn't know what went down but i'm sinking really deep into a mire and the only way i can free myself of the thoughts in my head is to share it and i really hope that someone cares about me enough to give me advice... I also hope that YOU, yes YOU would not judge me based on the stuff i'm about to write down.
I had sex with Button yesterday evening... What i was thinking, i had no idea... Why i did it, less so... Just so happened that he came, i was horny and i did it with him... It just so happened that i couldn't get whom i wanted and he was available but it's no excuse for my behavior... Going ahead with it, i knew i shouldn't but i refused to listen to the voice of reason in my head and went ahead anyway... It was bad... Really bad and i felt lower than pond scum afterwards and wished he'll just take off instead of lounging around acting like a king... It was nauseating... I actually threw up when we were done. Yes, it was that disgusting and now i'm still hating myself.
So, he came today without calling... Walked into my apartment without knocking and said ''hey, come give me a hug and a kiss'' what?????????????????????????????????????????? That was when i realised that the mistake i made was even worse than i envisaged. This was a total nightmare. I was in the bathroom washing my smallies when he came in and just walked into my bedroom to relax comfortably on my bed. I completely avoided my bedroom and started cleaning my house while searching for a way to ask him to leave without being rude. Couldn't for the life of me figure out a way to do that... I ended up having to tell him that the events of yesterday was just what it was... Just sex and i had no intention of ever doing it again... He got really angry and stormed out. I breathed a sigh of relief...
If my dad lives in Lagos, i'd move back in with him... I'm one of those people who should never be left alone to their own devices and that is why i always want my siblings with me because then i'll have an excuse to behave. Unfortunately, my siblings always find things to do that do not involve me. I think i need help... I really do...........................
I'm making a lot of mistakes left, right and center but i don't know how to correct them. Yes, i know they are mistakes before i even attempt them but i can't seem to help myself. My mum used to say that the idle mind is the devil's workshop and it seems like i've just conveniently placed myself in his garage but i really do not want to be there. I have to find a way to extract myself and really fast.
I was so angry at myself that i took it out on my toy-boy (as Linc calls him) and he was a bit surprised... I also blamed ''The Brit'' for totally ignoring me some days ago when i told him i was horny but the truth is, it's all my fault and i shouldn't blame nor take it out on anyone. I think i'd better find a ''sex buddy'' befor i find myself making the same mistake again...
XXXX
Bee

NARCISICM...

A.E.P brought the pictures over today and i was entranced... I couldn’t believe how pretty i looked. I had always considered myself beautiful (beauty i believe, is from the inside) but i never thought i was pretty. For someone as nonchalant as i am, this is a very disturbing practice... I know what i look like and have never felt the need to be reminded but for some reason, i found myself looking at the pictures of me over and over again... Some will argue that i’m trying to hold on to my youth and they may be right but it’s really funny considering how i’ve never particularly worried about i’ll look in my old age till now. Truth is, it now worries me... I don’t know if i’ll feel the same way about lines as i do now about smooth skin. I’m not a fan of stretch marks or puffy eyes and that is why i went into the cosmetic business a while ago... Granted, everyone will grow old. The question now is... How many of us are going to embrace it? I’m thinking very few will... I want to be young forever but i know that is impossible... Once upon a time when i was 19, i took my looks for granted and made a lot of ‘’shakara’’ about it... I probably thought i didn’t need to work out to remain a size 8 but i did that anyway because i liked the adrenaline rush that came with running, lifting weights and cardio... Thinking about it now, i never should have stopped... Started using eye creams early on and was in a rush to use anti-aging creams... Used to really piss me off when i tried unsuccessfully to get my 30 year old customers to use skincare products that delayed ageing... I never really understood why they wouldn’t do it but i’m now beginning to understand that it stems from denial... They probably thought that they wouldn’t be reminded of how old they were if they didn’t have the anti-aging creams as a constant reminder... Now that i’m at the age where i should use those anti-aging creams, i circle around the counters and make sure no one’s looking when i pick them up then, then wait till the check-out counter is clear before i go to pay for the stuff... I was recently asked at the body shop store in Paddington why i was buying a particular product... Told the guy it was for me but he said i shouldn’t use that and proceeded to get me another product. Vanity would’ve let me take that product instead but i knew i needed the original one i took so i swallowed my pride and told him my age... He just stared... Mind, i wasn’t wearing any make-up and i tend to look 5years younger when i have no make-up on...
The fascination with youth and beauty has taken a whole life of it’s own... If i’d been asked 10years ago if i’d ever consider plastic surgery, i’d say ‘’definitely NO’’ but last trip to London, i called Transform and asked for a brochure... I didn’t even mention it to my friend until the package arrived when i was out and she saw the return address... She wanted to know what i’d like to have done but i told her to mind her own business... I was too ashamed to say i was considering having my breasts reduced and uplifted... I told her what i wanted later though... I look really hard at my pictures now and think ‘’oh, i should’ve posed differently, this angle is bad for me’’ but the truth is, no matter how i pose or what i wear, it’s still me all the way and nothing’s going to change that.
Now, there’s a 24year old who’s attracted to me... I normally would brush him off but i find myself unconsciously drawn to him and have now started flirting with him on the chat... I even gave him my number (which i rarely do) and we send all these flirty messages to each other... I don’t know if i’ll ever find it in me to meet him but i do know that i’m enjoying myself for now... If i meet him or sleep with him, it’ll feel to me like i’m trying to validate myself and i don’t know if i want to put myself in that position for any reason...
I know i’m now at the age where women start worrying about everything from relationships to age to loss of beauty and everything in-between... It’s disconcerting and really annoying when women obsess about stuff like that but today, i found myself doing the same... I found myself wishing i was 20 again and having fun... Being able to date a really cute 24year old with the very sexy mouth or the 27year old with the great sense of style (you know who you are, i know you’ll read this) who thinks he’s already 28... The freedom to let go and have a relationship that will lead nowhere because i’m not worried about running out of time to please my dad... Unfortunately, that luxury went away with time and i guess i just have to live with it. I’ve have great and terrible experiences but i wouldn’t trade that for anything because they are part of what makes me ME...
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Bee

WHERE ARE THEY???

I've been known to make some really bad decisions when it comes to men... I usually fall for the unavailable, have a crush on the homosexuals, have sex with the younger and it usually goes downhill from there. It's hard to tell what bad decision i'm going to make next so, i have decided to only go with men someone introduces to me from now on... No, wait... I did that before and it didn't work... Now, what's the next logical step? Damn if i know...
Woke up a little early and went out... Spent 2 and half hours of the time i was out waiting for Christy before going home to wait for A.E.P... Got bored and dozed off... I really wish i could find more to do to occupy my time so i'd stop dozing so much... If i could get my show on the road it will help me some... Unfortunately, the show seems to be taking a back burner even though it's supposed to be on the front... Way forward but what can i do? Things are not exactly working out as i expected them to... Though i'm not going to complain.
I keep wondering where all the men are and when i'll meet one that makes sense... It'll be nice to have a date for valentine... Unfortunately, a lot of men in Lagos pretend not to be seeing anyone that is, until valentine's day when you try calling them. I think the men are being weeded out by the very fast girls and those of us who are still single are either too slow or not attentive enough, who knows? Maybe something will happen one day to prompt someone to move all the single good men to a place where one can just go look and pick out the one that fits her lifestyle...lol. That is certainly food for thought.
Meanwhile, was on facebook last night and decided to open the chat which i rarely ever open only to encounter a pleasant surprise... Apparently, there's someone who's been on my friend list for sometime but couldn't remember him. We didn't even have any friends in common which was surprising because i usually add people based on who our mutual friends are unless i know the person. Anyways, guy turned out very interesting to talk to and i now have a new ''friend'' friend and it doesn't matter that i'm older than he is. Not every guy has to be boyfriend...
Now that i don't have any live ones to talk about today, i guess i should log on to facebook to see if he's online to continue where we stopped...
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Bee

BITS AND PIECES...

My father called me on Friday evening... I was glad to hear from him as always and relaxed to have a nice conversation with him but all that was not to be. I ended up getting very angry and started looking for ways to hang up without being rude... I couldn’t believe that my father who’d always been understanding could say the things he said to me that day. I don’t know if i’d be able to handle being alone with him when i go to Delta state in a couple of months for my sister’s traditional marriage.
We were just having a general conversation when i asked him a question about our tradition concerning marriage as my younger sister wanted to know when he said he hadn’t heard from me about marriage. I told him i haven’t met anyone... Normally, he’d say it was okay and give me a pep talk about God sending someone or something but this time, he didn’t... He said the kind of stuff my younger brother says to me and more... I wasn’t serious about getting married... I’m wasting my life... I’m planning to be like my friend who’s four years older than i am and still single... I’m not planning my life properly... I’m wasting my youth on useless pursuits and some more that i find really hard to put in writing... I started crying and told him it wasn’t my fault. IT WAS MY FAULT, he said... I had to tell him not to worry that i’ll carry a sign around that says ‘’HUSBAND WANTED’’ just so he’ll know that i wasn’t trying to cheat him out of bride price since it seems like success is now equated with whether you’re single or married.
Seems like one can’t even be allowed to do the single thing anymore... If i didn’t have so much swear words and other stuff here, i’d ask him to read my blog so he’ll know i’m not just sitting on my arms content with my life... I wish my father or one of my siblings would ask me ‘’how are you?’’ and wait for the answer or better still, ask me if i am happy... It would be nice to know that someone cared enough to ask... Unfortunately, human beings have a selfish nature but i am glad that i try to find out what’s going on in my friends and family’s lives... It’ll be nice for someone to do same for me. Eve doesn’t have to be the only one who cares enough to ask but i’m beginning to feel like a nuisance un-burdening to her... It’s not very good because she has her own issues too.
Someone had asked me to go out with him on Friday with 9 others as it was his birthday but i had told him i didn’t want to go out due to the photo-shoot i’d scheduled for Saturday morning. Changed my mind and went out with him and his friends to Auto Lounge in Victoria Island... I didn’t want to think about how upset i was so, i started dancing and that was when trouble started. Everyone wanted to talk to me... It is really annoying how men in Lagos can be. When you are out with friends, you don’t have guys chasing after you but the moment you are out with a guy, all the guys decide you’re the one they want and would go all out to chase you, devising tricky ways to get your number. One guy actually stepped on my toes just to get my attention... I stopped counting when the 10th guy asked for my number... I just couldn’t believe it!!! Now, the guy i was out with, started getting pissed... If looks could kill, i would’ve died that night. I kept getting the evil eye especially when one of his friends (who is very sexy, i might add) started talking to me. I felt an instant attraction to the friend which started fizzling out the moment i found out he was married... I am not going to date a married man no matter how handsome, thanks a lot. Last guy that spoke to me before i ran off was really cute but his method was to grab my hand and wouldn’t let go even when i told him his hold was painful. I don’t care very much for violence and would go to the extreme to avoid it. I won’t inflict, i won’t take it. Now the guy i went out with had this idea in his head that i was his babe... How he got that in his head, i don’t know because God knows i never acted like i wanted him or anything... He started getting angry and wouldn’t speak to me until i told him i wanted to leave. I had left my car at the hotel he’s staying in and driven in his car so, there was no way i could make excuses and take off. Believe me, until that day i had no idea that people stayed in the clubs till 5am. So, here i was ready to leave at 3am but i had to wait. When we got back to the hotel, it was 5:30, i was tired and didn’t have the strength to drive home so, i chilled. Was about to sleep when he jumped me and tried to kiss me. I wasn’t having any of that and promptly told him so. He got upset and started asking me if i didn’t want him because i was attracted to his friend... It was pitiful... Ignored him and tried to grab a few hours of sleep before the shoot. I just didn’t have it in me to take any more stress that night. I’d just about had it!!!
Woke up to 13 missed calls... It was 11:30am!!! The appointment i made with the girls and the photographer was for 10am... Jumped up and ran home like a crazy person without even washing my face... Barely had time to say ‘’hello and goodbye’’... Managed to get myself together for the shoot and it was a success... A.E.P knew what he was doing and we were on the same page where the shoot was concerned. I really didn’t have to explain anything to him. Loved most of the pictures even the risque pictures i had taken of me to hang in m y bedroom... I had a lot of fun and so did everyone else. Didi was a good sport as usual and i couldn’t thank her enough for sparing the time. I can’t wait to get the pictures and start my campaign...
Now, i went for drinks with one of the guys who was fortunate enough to get my number on Friday but turned out that while he was sitting in front of me trying to have a civilized conversation, he had plans to get me in bed. He made a call and spoke Igbo to someone then later told me he was booking a hotel where he was going to spend the night. He then asked me to come with him to the hotel because he wanted me to touch him so he could sleep properly. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.....
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Bee

BOYFRIENDS...

Last night was one of those nights that just make you go arghhhhhhhhhhhhh..... I'd been working on jewellery all day and kept getting all these calls that i just decided to ignore because i had nothing to say to these people... Had this great idea to write on boyfriends and the categories they fall into when i decided to lie down for a bit because i was tired... I did lie down but the next time i opened my eyes, it was 5am this morning... Dang.
I'm going to write it anyways... The boyfriend list... I've had some of these and i'm sure many women has had some or all of these as well... Here goes...
THE ''SUGAR RAY'' BOYFRIEND... You know those really sexy guys dressed to the nines and sixes who seem to know all the moves? They come on really strongly and treat you like you're the only one they can see at that point. Very attentive, very romantic, very caring and all the while plotting and calculating how to get their hands on your hard earned naira. They never seem to have any money whenever you go out so you end up paying the bills... Then they ask you to loan them money they'll never pay back. I've had a few of these kind of assholes.
THE ''PLAYER'' BOYFRIEND... I dated a guy for a few weeks sometime last year. I met him in-between relationships and on the day we had sex, i felt like the earth shook. It probably did. It vibrated when he told me he had 5 girlfriends... I asked if i was among the 5 but he said no. Believe me, if he had added me at that point, i would've been very pissed. Tried sticking with him while hoping for the best but the problem is, with someone like this you shouldn't even bother. I didn't know at the time but now i do... Never considered the time i spent with him a waste though because it was really good after i decided to make him my sex buddy. He hated the label but who cares? We both get what we want from each other. Too bad we stopped seeing each other. It's was nice for a while at least.
THE ''SEX BUDDY'' BOYFRIEND... The moment you walk into his house or he walks into yours, you start ogling each other. Granted, there's an attempt at conversation so the act doesn't seem mechanical but the fact is, you both know what the meeting is about. It's mainly for sex. Try hanging out with each other when it has nothing to do with sex and you'll almost bore each other senseless. Only way to do this is just not bother pretending it's anything more than it is. Why, there's nothing wrong with sex. One of my old friends (God rest his soul) actually thought it was the greatest thing God created. Tried telling him otherwise and he refused to listen. This is the kind to enjoy while it lasts. Also to keep for when a girl is in-between relationships...
THE ''FUN'' BOYFRIEND... Want to go out and don't exactly want to do this alone? This is your man... He's great at situations that involve ''mind-altering liquids'', dance, people and anything that's generally loud. He mostly sucks in bed because he's either too drunk or whatever but you don't really care anyway because if you want great sex, there's always the sex buddy. This is just the fun guy who fancies himself your boyfriend but you know otherwise, don't you? wink
THE ''INTELLECTUAL'' BOYFRIEND... I once dated a guy i never got bored talking to... He was so intelligent, i sometimes feel like i'm just a dull flower. He was a mobile dictionary, my personal google and ask jeeves. He knew everything and anything... All i had to do was ask him. It was a long-distance relationship for a while and we used to have these hours long conversations on the phone, lenghty e-mails and everything in between and i really really liked him. When he brought up talk of forever, i didn't bat an eyelid because i figured anyone as passionate on conversations as he was, will ultimately be passionate in bed. How wrong i was. My guy decided to move to Nigeria and i was full of anticipation. I probably had too much expectations, who knows? He fell completely flat in bed. We may say that whole ''size doesn't matter'' shit but it really does matter in the end, you know... He was small, took less than a minute to climax and then asks afterwards if i enjoyed it... Need i say more?
THE ''CASH COW'' BOYFRIEND... The very common Lagos king of boyfriend mostly had by lazy girls who do not like working and sometimes by working girls who are just plain tired. Mostly married and come to you with material things... Trying to make up for not being able to go out with you or being able to do what a real boyfriend ought to do... They'll spoil you silly and make you feel like a princess. Sometimes old, sometimes really young but really the same... Cash is the ruler of their universe and if you want to be a part of it, you should play the part to get to get the cash. The rules are pretty simple. Give me your time and i'll give you some of my cash.
THE ''I WISH YOU COULD BE MINE'' BOYFRIEND... From all my previous stories, it's clear that i have this kind... This kind of boyfriend doesn't really need to be decsribed, the name says it all.....
THE ''BOYFRIEND'' BOYFRIEND... I knew some girls who have this kind and believe me, they are very lucky. This is the kind of boyfriend i'm looking for. The one you want to be seen everywhere with, whom you have no qualms introducing to your friends and family, who you fall in love with, who you like waking up next to everyday, who makes you dream of forever... I really cannot elaborate on this because i'll just end up with a fierce hunger in my heart...

Now, a lot of us girls have or have had all these useless kinds of boyfriends... I figure it's like they say that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you kiss the one that's to become your prince. Honestly, this whole frog kissing business is tiring...
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Bee

THIS AND THAT...

Woke up with a lot of energy this morning... I'm not exactly sure why but i just couldn't sit still... The carpenter who's re-doing my wardrobe was the one who woke me up with a call and i found myself walking around straightening things that didn't need to be straightened, supervising the carpenter's work, reading a book, making jewellery, running both necessary and un-necessary errands till i just about burned myself out 10mins ago... It felt good doing what i was doing and i managed to put in a short visit with my old friend. The visit was fruitful as she agreed that i put up a stand to sell my jewellery in her shop... Now that i have one shop to display my designs, it'll be easier to get more shops... No, scrap that... The shops i've got so far are now 2 in the Lekki area and i feel really good about it. Promised myself i'd do better this year and i'm on my way...
I'm sure everyone like me is just tired of my exes... I want to meet new people... Where are the guys? Unfortunately, i'm a bit anti-social but i really need to work on that if i'm to meet new people... Apart from the fact that i'd like to meet a man, going out will be good for my business and i really need to put all my qualms aside to do just that... Nothing scary out there, is there? Nah... Don't think so. If anything, i'll probably get a date for valentine......... Or not.... Valentine is short term and may or may not happen but the long term is much more important to me...
I don't know how i'm going to get this show together with less than a month to the date i set for it and minimum cash to do it. Thought by now i'd be able to get a backer or two... Unfortunately not... Hopefully, things will turn around next week.....
Met someone at my girl's shop... He's a photographer and he showed me this amazing picture he took... Really liked the picture and have decided to book him to take the pictures i intend to use as installations on my jewellery show... Made a call to three girls whose looks i really like... One for her complexion, one for her graceful neck and the other for her mouth... I figured i'd use my legs as they are the part of my body i like the most so, that takes care of models and photography. Next step, pay for the venue and print invites then, take it from there...
I want to write more but i'm just a bit of a bore these days, right? Anyways, i'm really tired and i need to relax... Hopefully, there will be gist tomorrow...
BTW, i spent all morning not just supervising the carpenter but watching his assistant with his fantastic rippled stomach and strong looking arms... YUM YUM...
I'm just a naughty girl so, i'll respect myself and get some sleep... Need to be up early for some more well..... Whatever
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Bee

GIVE ME A BREAK, WILL YA???

There was a boy i dated briefly when i was 24. I met him during one of the break-ups that happened over the years between me and ''The Brit''. He was tall, dark and cute... Turned out he was 10days younger than i am and acted every minute of those 10days. He was one of those guys that really pisses one's friends off... Did he piss my friends off? You bet!!!
He had this habit of asking me out for drinks, dinner or whatever and then into our second drink or so, he'd mention that he was broke which meant that i ended up paying the bills all the time. As a test, i told him 2months before valentine's day that he'd take me out and he'd have to pay the bill which he readily agreed to... You can just imagine how angry i was when he went to buy me a long-sleeved top (i don't like long-sleeves, they itch) with a card and proceeded to tell me he couldn't afford to take me out... I hated the top and the only thing i really wanted was to go out with someone on valentine's day. I had never been asked out on valentine before by anyone and even now, i do not have any memory of valentine's day spent with anyone. I walked away from him that day and never answered his calls neither did i call him after then until my birthday 3years later. He called to say ''Happy Birthday'' and i invited him for the gig Eve was throwing for me at Reloaded. He came, i said ''hello'' and gave him a bottle of hennessy to share with the friends he came with and that was it for that day but we started talking after that.
Somehow, we ended up in my bed one day when he came to visit and it just kind of flowed from there. I'd always known he's emotionally unavailable but what did it matter? I was getting good sex conveniently and that was all that counted... He didn't want to have a proper relationship with me and that was fine as long as he came in late and left very early... We never go out anywhere we'd be seen together... He was the perfect ''until i find someone'' boyfriend but he had an annoying habit of telling me he loves me everytime. Maybe he assumed that that'll make up for his emotional handicap or maybe he thought it was something i'd like to hear. He probably didn't want to lose the fringe benefits, who know? I didn't mind it at all until the last time he came to see me and was upset i didn't tell him i loved him as well...
I refused to go down that road because i do not love him... i like him well enough and that ought to be that, right? There probably is another woman someone who'd fall in love with a guy who keeps his eyes open when kissing... Until him, i'd never met a anyone who kisses with their eyes open neither have i met anyone like that after him. First time i kissed him, i was really getting into it (he's a great kisser) when i realised there was something amiss so, i opened my eyes and found myself staring into his very open eyes... I asked him and he said something about liking the look on a woman's face when he's kissing her... WHAT????? I didn't kiss him again after that but i don't object to his kisses below my waist... They were marvelous but now that i'm back with ''The Brit'' and getting all he gives plus extra, i could do without the wahala...
Now, he's called to say he wants to come visit me tonight... I told him i'd just moved to a new and bigger place and do not have a bed yet, maybe in a week... wink wink...
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Bee

TOO BIG!!!

Didn't sleep until 6am this morning because i had slept earlier in the evening yesterday... Was going for the FADAN fashion show but had to turn around and head back home when i couldn't find petrol to buy. As i had nothing to do and i was alone, i laid down and promptly fell asleep. Probably had to do with the fact that i hadn't been sleeping properly in the last 2days... However, it was already dark when i woke up and i couldn't sleep anymore even though i had a lot of stuff to do today. Managed to get some things done though but i'd have been more satisfied if i had got everything done which unfortunately, i couldn't. Car and generator ended up not getting fixed. So, here i am again with no light. I'm really hot and charging my laptop with the UPS which i really hate to use, generators are on all around, it's noisy and i can't even close my bloody windows cos then, i'll probably suffocate. Not good...
Went to the bank so i could pay for my internet connection, my DSTV, fix my car, the generator, buy some pearls and pay the carpenter who's going to install my wardrobe as i'm tired of living out of a suitcase as i've been since i moved into the new house but all that was not to be... I'd just left the bank and on my way to buy pearls from the art market in Jakande when i saw it. It was beautiful... It was perfect...
I'd already driven by where i could park and turning around meant going past the market where i was going to but the pearls so, i decided to run in and quickly buy the pearls before going back for it. True to female form, i found these beautiful pair of black shorts with a very sexy belt. Stopped by and bought that too before heading back to the place where i saw it.
It was love at first site... It was beautiful... It was perfect but i wasn't sure of the size. It was the bed i've always wanted to own but it was incomplete and the man who was selling it said he'd sent his boys to bring in the rest of it. I found it in a used furniture showroom but i loved it and i wanted it. My car and generator can be fixed later... I wanted this bed NOW and i had to have it. Was a bit expensive for a used bedframe but i didn't mind at all. While waiting for the boys who were bringing the rest of it, i found a chair. The perfect chair for my bedroom and my day was completely made. It was cheap, cheap, cheap and totally made up for what i was paying for the bed.
Got home to find that the carpenter had been waiting for me but it wasn't that big a deal to him as we'd had a working relationship (through all my interior decor jobs) for many years.
Now, here's the real story... He and Ajiri helped me set the bed but it was too big for the space i'd intended for it so, the next logical step was to move it. We did and it fit perfectly. It looked like the sort of bed a queen would sleep in which is alright for the local princess that i am and i didn't mind one bit. He then mentioned something about having to buy 2 mattresses to fit in it. I told him that was impossible because it was a queen size bed but he looked at me doubtfully so, i brought out my measuring tape so he could measure it and see for himself. He did...
The fucking bed is KING SIZE!!!
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Bee

FRIENDS... OR LACK THEREOF

The last 2 nights have been really bad... I've been having trouble sleeping thanks to PHCN's decision to hold on to power and the mosquitoes that came with rain. I'm not one who usually sleeps at night but i like to sleep in the morning... 2 or max 3am is fine by me. It also helps that i have a flexible work schedule but when i'm sleep-deprived, i tend to be grouchy... and touchy... and brittle... I'll snap when it's least expected. That's why i need my beauty sleep.
Sitting in this afternoon with my sis, her boyfriend and her friend, i was killing time till 4pm when i would go for the FADAN fashion show i was invited for when it hit me suddenly. I don't have any friends i can really call friends... Don't get me wrong, i know many people but i don't have close friends... It's been almost two years since i fell out with the last group and i suppose some will say that it's time to put that behind me and make new friends but the truth is, i'm scared shitless (excuse me, my French is not so good)...
As a woman, i'm expected to have other women to gossip with but the truth is i'm gossip-less. Due to past experiences, i try to shut my mouth now when people are talking because i tend to over-talk when i'm excited but isn't that what friendship is about? Having people to share tid-bits of everyday life with? It was just sad that every thing i used to say was mis-construed and when it came back, it sounds mean. I'm not averse to people telling me the truth about myself, the thing is i actually like it. I remember one day when i left the house after smoking and someone outside moved away from me because, i was reeking of cigarettes. I didn't know until i asked him and i was very embarrassed. When i got home, i started harrassing my friend/flatmate because we walked out together and could have told me but chose not to... Her excuse? Oh, she thought i'll be mad... For telling me the truth? Come on...
I know i'm not an easy person to be friends with but i try to create room for other people's short comings... I'm not suspicious, i have a habit of genuinely liking someone (no strings attached) and i would go the extra mile for a friend. I do not expect the same courtesy neither do i get upset if i get nothing in return. Truth is, i like company... Well, sometimes... The only thing wrong with me i guess is the fact that i'm a honest to God perfectionist. I like order and i like good carriage... I hate confrontations (some will argue that i have no spine because of this) and i hate violence. I'm not judgemental but i may give you ''the look'' if you embarrass yourself in public. I also tend to keep some of my affairs private but that doesn't mean i like my friend less.
The last sentence just reminded me of a friend of mine i went to Abuja with in 2008 for 2 nights. We were going to London and our flight was cancelled so, she decided we should go chill in Abuja till we could get a flight out to London. While there, i decided to use the opportunity to go see ''The Brit'' as i hadn't seen him in a while (he now lives in Abuja)... Took off alone to see him and when he came to drop me off, i introduced my friend to him which was a huge deal for me. In any case, she was still upset. I should've asked her to go with me... I said there was no way i could've done that because i went there to wake him up with morning love... Did she think i'll be comfortable having sex in the bedroom while she waits for me in the sitting room? I tried to explain but she was really pissed... Telling me she asks me to go everywhere with her but i never ask her to go anywhere with me... I felt really sad she couldn't understand the fact that i like a measure of privacy in my life and it had nothing to do with her because i really liked her. She was bubbly to my calm and she was smily to my straight face... I always thought she brought out the best of me and because of that, i used to go way out to make her life easier as best as i could because i didn't want to lose her friendship but she thought otherwise. It just went downhill from there. She later told me that my friendship was emotionally draining for her and because i do not want to be anyone's pain, i took a few steps back. Those few steps have now widened to the big berth i tried to bridge today but as things like that go, it didn't work out. She didn't want to see me. Though, she never told me that exactly, the excuses she made sent the message across loud and clear.
My sisters tell me that i do not really need friends because i tend to over-do and i now become a fool of sorts for my friends but i do know how i feel deep inside. If i can't find a man, i should be able to find a friend or two... I miss being part of a group... I miss having someone to bitch with... I miss having someone to go shopping with... I miss having someone to do girly stuff with... I miss having a friend but how do i go about finding one when i'm so horribly shy?
Heaven knows...
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Bee

BROKEN 2

Today i went to keep a date with The Brit. We were supposed to meet yesterday but he got stuck in Paris because of bad weather and he asked me to meet him today. We met at the place were i fell head over heels in love with him 10years ago. Walked in and the place still had the same smell it had all those years ago... A smell i remembered... HIM...
As i write this, i'm still grinning from ear to ear and hoping i would stop but i can't help it. I am a well loved woman... At least, that is my present situation.
Before i left to see him, i had this well rehearsed attitude... You know, all grown up, unaffected, could care less but all of that flew out my head the moment i laid eyes on him. I just couldn't help myself. Prior to this day, i hadn't seen him in more than a year and in that time, i dated an asshole who i almost gave my whole life up for before i found out he was living with a woman but that is a story for another time. Right now, i'm still riding on the highs of being with my first and only ever true love. Today, i told him he's ruined me for other men because he raised the bar so high that it's hard for other men to reach for it... I find myself comparing everyone i meet to him even when i try not to... The way he looks at me like i'm the only one in the universe... The way he makes love to me like nothing else mattered... The way he smiles with only his eyes without his mouth moving... Oh, how i fell... Totally and completely... When i saw him today, all of those feelings came rushing back and i knew i still wasn't over him but i couldn't bring myself to tell him that... Why? He belongs to another and i can't have him...
We sat down with a bottle of sparkling wine and had very non-sexual conversations... The idiot that tried and failed to blow up a plane in the US and how sad it was that the US decided to punish a country for the sins of one person, his trip, the weather in the UK and the rest of Europe till we ran out of steam. At some point while looking for another topic to discuss, i jumped him... He jumped me back and within seconds, i came... I was totally embarrased... That had never happened to me EVER... It normally takes a while to get me to orgasm but there i was squirming & screaming with tears in my eyes that i refused to let fall. I'm usually in control of me but when it comes to him, i let down my guard completely because i loved him... Still do... I really wish there was a way i could make myself stop loving him...
Afterwards, i asked him a question one isn't supposed to ask... I asked him if he ever loved me... He tried very hard to avoid the question but i kept pushing for more than 30mins and he finally answered... YES, he said and he's sure i know that... I didnt want to push it by asking if he still does because that would help me none so, i let it go... When it was time to leave, i didn't want to leave. Apparently, neither did he because we weren't sure of the next time we'd see each other. I went to my car to get him a pen cause he wanted one and when i came back, he grabbed me, threw me on the bed and had his way with me, which i quite liked. When i was leaving, he gave me a gift. It was a really big present so, i screamed his name and said ''you don't have to try to make up for not being able to give me what i want, i'll take what i can get and try not to complain''... He said it was a riddle but i'm sure he understood but just didn't want to agree... I'm sure he knows that what i really want is him... It's all good though, i'll take what i can get till i find a man i dont have to share... If i can love him even a quarter of how much i love The Brit, i'll be grateful. Until then....
XXXX
Bee

LAGOS, OH LAGOS...

Once upon 12years ago, a very tall, slim girl came to this city to pursue her dreams... Modelling... She was dazzled by the lights, the tall buildings, the fast life, the night life, the shopping and all that this city represented... She fell in love with the city and she wasn't disappointed. She was barely 18 when she came to Lagos leaving a husband to be behind, because she didn't want to get married not knowing what was out there... Not wanting to look back with regrets that she didn't at least try... She came, she saw... Conquered? Well, we'll see...
12years later, i do not regret my decision. I modelled, got bored and moved on... Went to school, decided i'd had enough and started a business... Though, i'm not rich (i just take it a day at a time) but this city has been it for me... I don't know what my life would've been if i hadn't come here and i have no intention of finding out. Leaving home when i did helped me become the woman that i am today and even if i can go back to change things, the one thing i wouldn't change is coming to Lagos. This was the city where i met Ruth, the girl who became my Best Friend for many many years... It's been a good life... I've met a lot of people i never would've met had i stayed back in Delta State. People who affected my life both positively and negatively. Those who affected my life positively made me grow to be a better person and the people who affected my life negatively made me learn hard but really good lessons. I don't regret knowing anyone and i don't have any former friends... I still talk to all the people that i met and i'm grateful for that. It really would be difficult to not know someone you already knew... The only thing missing from my life now is someone to share the best of it with... I know i'll find someone. How long before i do, i have no idea but i know i will...
Lagos has been both good and bad to me but i believe that every thing that happens to one in life is part of the learning process... Will i trade Lagos for Ughelli? No, never. Why would i do that? Lagos is the only city in Nigeria i can live in. Karaoke every day of the week if i want, shawarma at 3am, taxis all time of day, movies as soon as they arrive in cinemas around the world... Easy access to embassies and the internationall airport. This is the one city a woman can smoke and not get the evil eye... No one raises a brow if a woman drinks more than the man she's with... No guy is surprised if a woman makes the first move... Can all of this happen in Ughelli? Nooooooo
I love you Lagos and i always will.....
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Bee

MENAGE A TROIS

In 1999, i met a man... Talk, slim, dark, very handsome with a husky voice that came with a refined British accent... To protect his privacy, i'll call him ''the Brit''. When we met, i found him lovely to look at but other than that, i thought he was boring that is, until i fell in love with him. I was so crazy about him that i allowed myself to get thrown around for seven years till i decided it was enough and just moved on. I still love him and see him once or twice a year... Just to hook-up and the hookups are great... If you guessed the hookups are for sex, you got it right.
So, here i was thinking about what to do with myself today when he sent me a text which i replied to and that led to us exchanging several texts till i just put a fullstop instead of a question mark on my last text. The conversation went like this:
HIM: Hi, woke up very horny. Want to have a threesome with you.
ME: Me, u and who?
HIM: Your choice
ME: Where are you?
HIM: France
ME: And u want to have a menage a trois... How poetic. So, when do u want to do this?
HIM: Thursday
ME: Ok. I have to tell u i'm not looking 4ward to sharing u with another girl. The only girl i'll feel comfortable doing this with lives in Delta state. U sure u want to do this?
HIM: Yes
ME: Ok
HIM: Ok, just you and me. Have u done it before? Threesome!
ME: Yes, i have.
HIM: Let's do it another time. I want to.
ME: Alrighty... No need to call my friend then?
HIM: Yes. Will plan for another time. Did you enjoy it?
Had to stop after that... What got into his head today, i don't know but i intend to find out when i see him. The shy, stiff, poker up his ass Brit... I guess you can never really know anyone completely. If anyone had asked me if he can ever be that freaky, i'd say no. All the time we were officially together, he was always ill at ease whenever we went out with my friend and he'd stick by my side till we were ready to go. I had to tone down my craziness because of me and now, i'm planning a threesome with him... Well, shit happens.
Cancelled my plans for this evening thanks to unpaid debts... Maybe tomorrow...
XXXX
Bee

CHILVARY...

Today was one of those days that make you wish you'd stayed in bed... It was a hell of a day... Woke up a little late even though i had a meeting of the Beaded jewellery Designers Association Of Nigeria at 10am... Had to manage my car with its leaky exhaust to Ilupeju for the meeting but couldn't find petrol to buy. So, here i was driving with one eye on the meter and one on the road. Ended up in a queue at Maryland sweating(cos i have no AC in my car) profusely and wishing i had another option when a Nissan Sunny worse than mine joined the queue beside me. Asshole kept trying to me while i kept trying to ignore him... The guy just didn't get the message... I didn't even feel like making a call or texting because of the heat and my irritation... (i'm known to snap at people whenever i find myself in a situation like that). Finally he screamed something about being proud of me for joining a queue to buy petrol myself because women never do it. That is just bullshit. I know women who get on the damn queue to buy petrol... It's called being single and independent...
This got me think men and the way they treat women like we're delicate and would break if allowed to do stuff by ourselves... Yes, it's nice to have polite and kind behaviour from men once in a while but too much of it grates on one's nerves... We can drive ourselves, get in a queue to buy petrol, change our tires, screw on stuff in the bathroom with a drill and handle a hammer, thanks very much... Sometimes it's sweet to have a man offer but when you offer because you assume that i'll hit my hand instead of the nail, it really pisses me off. I know many a women who drive better than men and do other things i can't even begin to name better than a man ever would. Imagine one of my association members (who's female) told me that i could break an egg into the exhaust and that would seal it temporarily... Then, take the case of Button who've never changed a tyre even though i have changed my own tyre a few times... There you go...
So, got my hair done today. I intend to look fly when i go to Newscafe with my friend for drinks tomorrow (she leaves on wednesday) and i do... The hair is fabolous... Pat really outdid herself today. Never mind that i had to wait 2hrs and sat for another 2hrs to get it done, the end result is what's important. Maybe we'll see a movie too... Though, i'm not so sure. You never know when you'll meet someone and i'd really like to meet someone new and interesting...
I'm keeping my fingers crossed...
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Bee

RIGHT ON...

Okay, i read my horoscope and i subscribe to two different kinds... The regular horoscope and the single's romantic horoscope. Checked my romantic horoscope and was so shocked i kept staring at it for several minutes... It read: Dear Bee, You have a lot to offer when it comes to love so, why do you keep about your romantic life in terms of your so-called deficiencies? Think about what you can give as well as what you want to recieve...
That just about said it all... Sometimes these psychics really do hit the nail on the head. Often times when someone hurts me, i keep thinking about what i did wrong to make him hurt me... For instance, last week i cried because i thought Dave didnt think me good enough to be his girlfriend but what i forgot to think about what all he lost by not being with me... I forgot that i'm a charming lady with too many good qualities to count and fabolous to boot.
Apparently, i'm not the only woman who thinks this... Many of us act like we're so grateful to have a man in our lives and when they treat us like shit or say shit to us, we forget to remind them that they're not doing us a favour being with us... I really hate that i can be like that sometimes but i'm going to start working on it. The fact is when two people are together, it should be because they really like each other... That should be the only reason really. None of that ''you should be grateful i'm with you business''... NO MA'AM...
That said and done, i think i'm spineless... I'd decided i don't want to be with Button but i'm worried about hurting his feelings or alienating him that i have't told him yet. He called last night very very late to say he was going to come meet me today to take me to his place. Oh, and i'm supposed to spend the night. Told him i had a meeting in Ilupeju tomorrow morning and blubbered some excuse about car problems. He said okay but called me this morning while i was getting ready for church to say he'd pick me up and then drop me off at my meeting. Had to ask him if he had nothing to do... The guy is infuriating... Now, i know i have to be honest and tell him what i really feel about him so i can put an end to this. Just don't know how to do it yet...
Saw a really fine brother in church today after the service... He was standing outside talking to his brother when i turned around and saw him. Couldn't stop staring... He stared right back but i remembered where i was and walked away... Hmmm... I'd hate to be in church looking out for a fine bloke but dang!!! He was fine...
XXXX
Bee

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Woke up with a bad hangover... I was out last night with a guy my friend Rita and a guy i met a long time ago who didnt remember to call me until yesterday morning... It was a blast but obviously, i drank too much and had to wake up feeling like shit. My head felt like there was an army of little soldiers marching around inside and i couldnt get them to stop.
Okay, here's the gist of the century. I had no idea what possessed me yesterday but i kissed Button last night and he decided he wanted to stay over. What??? I refused of course. Whatever the kiss meant to him had nothing whatsoever to do with me... He kept trying to get close and now he thinks we're back together but we are not. I have made up my mind that i'm not going to even think about getting back with him anymore because of the text he sent me tonight. The guy's got baby mama drama and believe me, that's not one of the things i intend to add to my own troubles... Now, one of the girls he was dating at the same time we were, had twin girls for him and he doesnt want to marry her. Apparently, she decided she wont let him see the kids anymore and he took her to court in the UK where a judge ruled that since he'd told her from the beginning that he wasnt going to marry her, she cant deny him his rights to his kids. How true the story is, i have no idea but i know he lies alot and i dont trust him at all... His stories never add up. He still has phonecalls where he blows kisses, calls everyone baby, honey, sugar and i don't think he's learned how to zip it up just yet. Why would i want to go into a relationship with a man like that with my eyes wide open? Bad decision all around so, i wont make it. FULLSTOP.
Seeing as my job doesn't really pay me much, i may have to relocate or something... There used to be alot i loved about this city but at the moment, i cant think of one of them and that is just sad. The traffic is frustrating, the water in my area is bad and i have to buy water everyday to do basic stuff, the odds of meeting a decent guy are slimmer than slim and it deteriorates from there... Once upon a long time ago, Lagos was the city of my dreams but now i dont know... I just dont know... I'm not even sure what a good move is anymore and i dont want to get to the point i did last year... Depression is not something i want to suffer again this year, thanks a lot.
What to do now? I'll just keep a very busy travel calender as long as the money keep coming... It has to or i'll lose my mind. Besides, not having a relationship or any prospects in the horizon does nothing to persuade me otherwise.....
Here's the thing... If i dont find a man in 6months when i turn 30, i'll just have to bid Lagos farewell and take my search for my soulmate elsewhere. Who knows what i'll find?
XXXX
Bee

WHOPEE!!!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!
I'm so happy to have made it to a new year so, i don't want to focus on the whys of my being single... I've been cooking and singing.....
Now going out with a guy i met recently. More gist tomorrow...
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Bee