What is so wrong with working? What is so wrong with being intelligent? What is so wrong with having an opinion? Most of all, what is so wrong with wanting your partner to treat you as an equal?
I've been missing from blogosphere for over four months... Don't know who missed me or who didn't. Since i don't really have a very likeable personality and i don't give a rat's ass, i'm going to go ahead and write. Maybe someone will read this, maybe not but i do know i'm writing again on my first lazy day in forever at the behest of my friend Mark.
The last four months have been completely crazy. Break-up, rebound, getting pregnant, miscarriage, new business venture (i tell you, starting a new business leaves you with a constant headache), lots of travel...
It seems like i've made a new home in asia pacific... It matters not that i can't stand the smell of Mumbai but a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do and it's even worse for a workaholic like me because you have to suck it up and get your project in the bag. There's a lot to say and i'll start with Chocolate.
The relationship was wonderful after my july trip to India and i was sailing in bliss until i hit mother earth. HARD!!! I guesss when you're in a relationship, you don't think too hard about un-protected sex until you land in hot water. There i was waiting for my period that refused to show so, i took myself to a lab, got tested and smiled when the result came out confirming what i already knew deep down. I was pregnant! Took a picture of the result and sent it to him via bbm. We already talked about what will happen if the result came out positive and we'd both agreed that i'll have to terminate. He was to come with me for the procedure to hold my hand but who am i kidding? I've never been someone who relied on anyone for nada. So, i made a split second decision when i saw the result. I took a cab (my car was at the mechanic's) and went to the clinic in surulere alone that evening to have it done after i'd called Chocolate to tell him what i wanted to do. Got there, had the procedure, woke up to find i couldn't stand without feeling woozy. Pushed myself to the brink and retched my guts out. That was when i realised i needed help getting home so, i called Chocolate. Being who he is, he left work and sped to surulere to meet me. Took me to eat because i was hungry and i started feeling slightly normal again. We talked and decided we will never let that happen again but how wrong we were. One month later and lady red refused to show up. I convinced myself that the abortion threw my cycle off and i wasn't pregnant and that was what i told him but my sister refused to listen to my theory. She kept telling me to take a test but i refused. When i mentioned to Chocolate that i hadn't had my period, he flipped and told me things i can't quite repeat even to myself. 3days later, he came to my exhibition to end things with me. I cried like i never had in my life... Even though i hated myself for doing it, i begged him but he'd made up his mind. Next day, i went for a test and the result came out positive again... I just broke down. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't work... The day after i took the test, i went to the bathroom and when i wiped off, i came away with blood. I was losing the pregnancy. Long story short, i bled for 10days after the evacuation and was depressed for weeks after. Then, he came back!
Fool that i am,i thought we could work things out and be together. How wrong i was... Didn't mention it to anyone and we had this whole secret affair thing going until i had to travel to get the figures i needed to help me kick start my new business idea. I called him as soon as i got to Mumbai so he could have my number but he never called back nor did he send a text. I didn't even worry too much about it because i was really busy visiting factories, getting a few metal samples made and all that. When it occured to me several days later that he hadn't been in touch at all, he wasn't taking my calls or replying any of my text messages, i called my brother and asked him to call Chocolate to find out why he wasn't taking my calls. My brother called me back to say i should call again. I called, he answered and told me he was no longer interested in getting back together with me. Something in me died and something else took over. At this time, i was out with E and a group of guys in her restuarant and one of them was really into me. I just hung up, grabbed the guy and kissed him and that was it! End of story.
Later on i found out the guy was 25 and in time, he started acting 19. My sister's boyfriend told me it was a huge mistake to have moved from Chocolate to someone else immediately but at the time it happened, i wasn't really thinking... Or was i?
Breaking up with my 25yr old lover proved more difficult than i anticipated. He'd cry, send me text messages threatening to do "something stupid" to himself if i left him. So, i made up my mind. Let him think we're still dating and just let things fizzle out in time...
Now, i'm single but taking my time to get back into the business of dating. I'm reasonably happy. Business looks good, my house looks like a home, i have a comfortable friendship with chocolate and christmas is coming...
It's amazing how things start to fall together if you just chillax and work hard. My hard work is paying off gradually and soon....
XXXX
Bee
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
THE LONG & SHORT OF IT
Three weeks ago, I came back from Mumbai where I'd gone to visit my friend E. The journey was long and I was completely knackered when I got there. Unfortunately, the time difference threw my body clock off and I couldn't sleep even though I was really tired and it was 3am Mumbai time. My friend was gracious enough to sit with me and talk till 6am over a bottle of Johnnie Walker's black label. We knew we weren't going out the next day and we couldn't be bothered to cook. We just ordered in and talked. I was really happy I could sit in front of her and talk about all the things I wanted to. Didn't even see her husband until later that evening at the dinner table...
Fast forward 2days later and I meet her friends (whom I'd met before, mind) so we can go shopping at a place called Bandra and that was when I ran into him. The last time I saw him, he was wearing really bad perfume and I couldn't handle the smell so, I really didn't talk to him. This time he was still looking all cute but smelling better, thanks be. I'll call him LP(lost puppy... He had that look about him).
We all went out later that week to a club and he asked me to dance with him. I told him I'm a free dancer, I don't like to dance with people. He said he didn't mind so, I told him he could dance in front of me but shouldn't get angry if I walk away without notice. A few minutes later, he started trying to grab my waist and I got pissed because I considered that too personal. I decided to take a walk outside for a smoke and he followed me there. I didn't even get frustrated until a few days later when I was on the phone with chocolate and said "I love you" only for LP to tell me he's waiting for the day I'll tell him that too. Several messages followed the request and I had to scream at him out of complete frustration when it got to a point I couldn't take anymore. For heaven's sake, he knew I had a boyfriend.
Chocolate didn't even help matters himself. He was always on my case asking why I didn't reply a message the minute I got it, was there something he should be worried about? If you guessed I screamed at him too, you guessed right.
There I was trying to relax and have a good time with my friend but the mobile phone I was using was ringing every minute. E decided to put the phone on silent because it started bugging her. When LP would call that phone and I don't answer, he'll call E's line. Gawd, the pressure.
I have to say I had a really good time there but the story will not be complete without telling what happened on the day I left.
We decided to go to a club that thursday night because my flight was for 5am which meant I had to be at the airport by 3:30am at the latest.
The club we went to was very close to the airport and it'll be easier all around because no-one will fall asleep. There we were at China House having a fantastic time when I decided to go grab a smoke outside. Realised I'd left my lighter in the car when I got there so I asked this cute Indian who was also smoking for a light. He didn't have, neither did his girlfriend so, he offered me his fag to light my cigarette with. I lit, gave back, they introduced themselves and we started talking. That is, until one bald headed short Indian guy walked up to me, took out his mobile ans said "hey you, I seem to have lost your number, can you give me again?". I looked at him wondering who the hell he was because I'd never seen him in my life before that minute.
Cutie, who turned out to be a rich kid with serious anger management issues imediately flipped and started screaming like a banshee... What the *ping* is ur problem? Are you trying to *ping* disrespect me? You bald-headed *ping ping*... At this point, all the bouncers had come out to see what was happening and try to resolve the problem. I was just standibg there perplexed because my path was blocked and I had no way to go back to my friend inside.
Suddenly, I felt a draught of cool air and someone tapped me on my shoulder. When I turned, he motioned for me to go through the vip area back into the club. That was how I met the American who decided to appoint himself as my bodyguard for the rest of the night. When it was time to leave, we decided to use the back entrance because I didn't want to run into Cutie and Baldie.
The American followed us to the airport and even helped me out when I realised I didn't have enough cash to pay for the excess luggage I have. I still think of him as an angel sent from heaven because God only know how I'd have managed both situations that day were it not for him.
Friday and I came back to Lagos to meet a bad attitude. It continued until saturday when I couldn't take it anymore and snapped. Of course he snapped too, screamed "its over" at me and walked out. I was too angry to cry or even care. I'd just come back from a long journey and it seemed to be always something with him...
Anyways, I decided to chill and I also gave him time to chill before I called him a few days later to say I was willing to give us another shot. He accepted and said he'll try to make it work.
Guess the third time's the charm because so far so good, its working out just fine.
Problem I have now is it seems like my life is just about work and my man. As a matter of fact, I haven't left my house in 10days. I need to get me a social life beginning tomorrow...
XXXX
Bee
Fast forward 2days later and I meet her friends (whom I'd met before, mind) so we can go shopping at a place called Bandra and that was when I ran into him. The last time I saw him, he was wearing really bad perfume and I couldn't handle the smell so, I really didn't talk to him. This time he was still looking all cute but smelling better, thanks be. I'll call him LP(lost puppy... He had that look about him).
We all went out later that week to a club and he asked me to dance with him. I told him I'm a free dancer, I don't like to dance with people. He said he didn't mind so, I told him he could dance in front of me but shouldn't get angry if I walk away without notice. A few minutes later, he started trying to grab my waist and I got pissed because I considered that too personal. I decided to take a walk outside for a smoke and he followed me there. I didn't even get frustrated until a few days later when I was on the phone with chocolate and said "I love you" only for LP to tell me he's waiting for the day I'll tell him that too. Several messages followed the request and I had to scream at him out of complete frustration when it got to a point I couldn't take anymore. For heaven's sake, he knew I had a boyfriend.
Chocolate didn't even help matters himself. He was always on my case asking why I didn't reply a message the minute I got it, was there something he should be worried about? If you guessed I screamed at him too, you guessed right.
There I was trying to relax and have a good time with my friend but the mobile phone I was using was ringing every minute. E decided to put the phone on silent because it started bugging her. When LP would call that phone and I don't answer, he'll call E's line. Gawd, the pressure.
I have to say I had a really good time there but the story will not be complete without telling what happened on the day I left.
We decided to go to a club that thursday night because my flight was for 5am which meant I had to be at the airport by 3:30am at the latest.
The club we went to was very close to the airport and it'll be easier all around because no-one will fall asleep. There we were at China House having a fantastic time when I decided to go grab a smoke outside. Realised I'd left my lighter in the car when I got there so I asked this cute Indian who was also smoking for a light. He didn't have, neither did his girlfriend so, he offered me his fag to light my cigarette with. I lit, gave back, they introduced themselves and we started talking. That is, until one bald headed short Indian guy walked up to me, took out his mobile ans said "hey you, I seem to have lost your number, can you give me again?". I looked at him wondering who the hell he was because I'd never seen him in my life before that minute.
Cutie, who turned out to be a rich kid with serious anger management issues imediately flipped and started screaming like a banshee... What the *ping* is ur problem? Are you trying to *ping* disrespect me? You bald-headed *ping ping*... At this point, all the bouncers had come out to see what was happening and try to resolve the problem. I was just standibg there perplexed because my path was blocked and I had no way to go back to my friend inside.
Suddenly, I felt a draught of cool air and someone tapped me on my shoulder. When I turned, he motioned for me to go through the vip area back into the club. That was how I met the American who decided to appoint himself as my bodyguard for the rest of the night. When it was time to leave, we decided to use the back entrance because I didn't want to run into Cutie and Baldie.
The American followed us to the airport and even helped me out when I realised I didn't have enough cash to pay for the excess luggage I have. I still think of him as an angel sent from heaven because God only know how I'd have managed both situations that day were it not for him.
Friday and I came back to Lagos to meet a bad attitude. It continued until saturday when I couldn't take it anymore and snapped. Of course he snapped too, screamed "its over" at me and walked out. I was too angry to cry or even care. I'd just come back from a long journey and it seemed to be always something with him...
Anyways, I decided to chill and I also gave him time to chill before I called him a few days later to say I was willing to give us another shot. He accepted and said he'll try to make it work.
Guess the third time's the charm because so far so good, its working out just fine.
Problem I have now is it seems like my life is just about work and my man. As a matter of fact, I haven't left my house in 10days. I need to get me a social life beginning tomorrow...
XXXX
Bee
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
TURNING 30
I haven't been writing and that didn't happen because there was nothing to write about, it did because there was too much to write about... Probably doesn't make any sense...
I found that the words were too much in my head and i had a problem putting it in black & white... Can't count how much paper i scrunched up and tossed just because i couldn't find my rhythm... After all said and done, here i am... Finally at it again.
My thirtieth birthday has come and gone... After all the stress, worry, break-up, work and thinking, it came and went... Just like that. I had a hard time with it though, i won't lie about that and i worried so much that i fell ill the morning of. Didn't get any sleep till about 5am that morning but i need not have bothered because no matter how much i worry about turning 30, other girls who are also single like me have gone beyond that age and they are still who they are...
A week before my 30th bithday, chocolate broke up with me for reasons i didn't get and still don't get at all... My friend E concluded he was afraid of commitment but i think it went deeper than that... Even though i can't quite put my finger on it and even though we've now gone past that stage to find the friendship we once shared, i have a feeling that it was my craziness that chased him off in the first place but as things like these go, one can never really know the answer to all the questions we ask or don't ask as the case may be...
In the early hours of sat 12th june, i started thinking about all i'd wanted to achieve before i turned 30. Career, relationship, financially, and how i have failed to get to my goals when it dawned on me that i was worrying about the wrong things... Most women worry about getting older and even though i used to say i don't, it turned out that underneath it all, i did... I don't know that i've met anyone who's looking forward to wrinkles, sagging skin or cellulites... We all like to hope that our skin will stand the test of time but the truth is that it won't and it is because of this that we all want to be successful so that even if we don't look so hot anymore, we'll be so happy with our achievements that the way we look physically won't really matter much anymore... or we'll just be too busy to notice.
I started using anti-ageing creams sometime last year but lately, i've noticed laughter lines around my eyes that concealer does nothing to hide and no matter how much i like to think otherwise, the truth remains that my thighs aren't as firm as they once were... I have more memories and there are times when while talking to my sister, i realise she has no idea what i'm talking about. Time is begining to tell on my body... and my mind... I'm not so sure i like this but who knows? i just might grow into it with time...
I didn't want to celebrate because in my mind, i had nothing to celebrate but sometime late that night, i began to wonder about life and how long it is and how we always seemed to be on a quest to find exciting things to do to pass the time we have here. Things to make it worthwhile... So, i decided to go to my friend L's shindig. It was her bithday as well and she was having a party at swe bar... I went, i had a great time with my sis and D, i left... That was it, i was done...
Went back to concentrate on working on my exhibition but it turned out a bit of a disappointment... I just hope the next one turns out better. I have a lot to sort out about myself and i really hope my career falls into place so it'll be one less thing to worry about...
Sunday 20th june and i went to spend the night at chocolate's (he invited me) so i can be closer to the airport as my flight out was really early... We talked and slept very late... He wants back in... He misses me, he says but now, i really don't know how much of me i can give to him... What to do?
XXXX
Bee
I found that the words were too much in my head and i had a problem putting it in black & white... Can't count how much paper i scrunched up and tossed just because i couldn't find my rhythm... After all said and done, here i am... Finally at it again.
My thirtieth birthday has come and gone... After all the stress, worry, break-up, work and thinking, it came and went... Just like that. I had a hard time with it though, i won't lie about that and i worried so much that i fell ill the morning of. Didn't get any sleep till about 5am that morning but i need not have bothered because no matter how much i worry about turning 30, other girls who are also single like me have gone beyond that age and they are still who they are...
A week before my 30th bithday, chocolate broke up with me for reasons i didn't get and still don't get at all... My friend E concluded he was afraid of commitment but i think it went deeper than that... Even though i can't quite put my finger on it and even though we've now gone past that stage to find the friendship we once shared, i have a feeling that it was my craziness that chased him off in the first place but as things like these go, one can never really know the answer to all the questions we ask or don't ask as the case may be...
In the early hours of sat 12th june, i started thinking about all i'd wanted to achieve before i turned 30. Career, relationship, financially, and how i have failed to get to my goals when it dawned on me that i was worrying about the wrong things... Most women worry about getting older and even though i used to say i don't, it turned out that underneath it all, i did... I don't know that i've met anyone who's looking forward to wrinkles, sagging skin or cellulites... We all like to hope that our skin will stand the test of time but the truth is that it won't and it is because of this that we all want to be successful so that even if we don't look so hot anymore, we'll be so happy with our achievements that the way we look physically won't really matter much anymore... or we'll just be too busy to notice.
I started using anti-ageing creams sometime last year but lately, i've noticed laughter lines around my eyes that concealer does nothing to hide and no matter how much i like to think otherwise, the truth remains that my thighs aren't as firm as they once were... I have more memories and there are times when while talking to my sister, i realise she has no idea what i'm talking about. Time is begining to tell on my body... and my mind... I'm not so sure i like this but who knows? i just might grow into it with time...
I didn't want to celebrate because in my mind, i had nothing to celebrate but sometime late that night, i began to wonder about life and how long it is and how we always seemed to be on a quest to find exciting things to do to pass the time we have here. Things to make it worthwhile... So, i decided to go to my friend L's shindig. It was her bithday as well and she was having a party at swe bar... I went, i had a great time with my sis and D, i left... That was it, i was done...
Went back to concentrate on working on my exhibition but it turned out a bit of a disappointment... I just hope the next one turns out better. I have a lot to sort out about myself and i really hope my career falls into place so it'll be one less thing to worry about...
Sunday 20th june and i went to spend the night at chocolate's (he invited me) so i can be closer to the airport as my flight out was really early... We talked and slept very late... He wants back in... He misses me, he says but now, i really don't know how much of me i can give to him... What to do?
XXXX
Bee
Sunday, May 23, 2010
ATONEMENT...
Was awake most of last night reflecting on my life... My family, my friends...
The day didn't start very well and it just went downhill from there...
Sometime very early this morning, i realised that i was selfish and unforgiving and i didn't like that about myself at all... It seemed like i was holding on to my past instead of moving forward from it and i realised that i was guilty of what i usually accused E of... Same thing i accused my mother of... Holding on and refusing to let go of past hurts...
I am of the belief that only when we let go can we truly move forward and be happy but i seemed to have fallen into the category of people who do not practice what they preach... I thought long and hard about everything and i realised that i held a grudge against almost everyone in my life including myself!
In my sober reflection, i remembered something D said to me on the day i told her about the rage i had inside me... She said "Bee, forgive yourself... Not everything that happens is your fault... Forgive yourself, forgive the others that have offended you and then find a way to deal with the rage... You have to be a whole person before you can be with someone else... You're broken and if you continue like this, you will break everyone around you as well and you will never be happy"...
I decided there was only one thing to do... Forgive and ask for forgivness...
In being selfish, i have offended a lot of people in so many ways... I had said words that hurt to almost everyone around me and it didn't occur to me at the time that the people i was offending may hold grudges against me just like i held against others...
The lord's prayer says in part "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us"... To be forgiven, i had to forgive...
Brought up every one who'd hurt me that i hadn't forgiven in my head and imagined that they were ropes binding me... Then i started to mentally untie the ropes one at a time until i'd gotten them all out. When i finished doing this, i picked up my bible went down on my knees and read psalm 51, then prayed and asked God for forgiveness...
Next step, i called my father and begged for his... He was quick to forgive me and he prayed for me... I then sent a message to everyone i've known asking their forgiveness for things i have done either by mistake or design...
In my stupidity and selfishness, i was slowly chipping away at my life, my peace of mind and it was all festering inside me. Better that i came to this realisation on my own now before i completely ruined my life to the point of no return.
Until now, i didn't realise how loving and understanding the people around me were... I'm going to become a much better person or die trying...
I feel at peace with everything now and that makes me happy...
XXXX
Bee
The day didn't start very well and it just went downhill from there...
Sometime very early this morning, i realised that i was selfish and unforgiving and i didn't like that about myself at all... It seemed like i was holding on to my past instead of moving forward from it and i realised that i was guilty of what i usually accused E of... Same thing i accused my mother of... Holding on and refusing to let go of past hurts...
I am of the belief that only when we let go can we truly move forward and be happy but i seemed to have fallen into the category of people who do not practice what they preach... I thought long and hard about everything and i realised that i held a grudge against almost everyone in my life including myself!
In my sober reflection, i remembered something D said to me on the day i told her about the rage i had inside me... She said "Bee, forgive yourself... Not everything that happens is your fault... Forgive yourself, forgive the others that have offended you and then find a way to deal with the rage... You have to be a whole person before you can be with someone else... You're broken and if you continue like this, you will break everyone around you as well and you will never be happy"...
I decided there was only one thing to do... Forgive and ask for forgivness...
In being selfish, i have offended a lot of people in so many ways... I had said words that hurt to almost everyone around me and it didn't occur to me at the time that the people i was offending may hold grudges against me just like i held against others...
The lord's prayer says in part "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us"... To be forgiven, i had to forgive...
Brought up every one who'd hurt me that i hadn't forgiven in my head and imagined that they were ropes binding me... Then i started to mentally untie the ropes one at a time until i'd gotten them all out. When i finished doing this, i picked up my bible went down on my knees and read psalm 51, then prayed and asked God for forgiveness...
Next step, i called my father and begged for his... He was quick to forgive me and he prayed for me... I then sent a message to everyone i've known asking their forgiveness for things i have done either by mistake or design...
In my stupidity and selfishness, i was slowly chipping away at my life, my peace of mind and it was all festering inside me. Better that i came to this realisation on my own now before i completely ruined my life to the point of no return.
Until now, i didn't realise how loving and understanding the people around me were... I'm going to become a much better person or die trying...
I feel at peace with everything now and that makes me happy...
XXXX
Bee
Saturday, May 15, 2010
FEAR.....
My brother just broke up with his girfriend whom he's been dating for over a year. She's crushed, he's tired... Told myself i wasn't going to get involved but i found myself talking to my brother after her 100th phone call to me imploring me to talk to my brother on her behalf that she still loves him... When i tried to get my brother to make up with her, he told me his mind is made and he didn't want to date her anymore... Why?
Apparently, while they were dating she had a habit of accusing him of one phantom thing or other... Sometimes, she say she was told he was out with another woman or she tells him she had a dream that he left her for someone else then proceed to fight him like it was something that happened for real... Her mood swings were something he had to learn to deal with... I didn't get it at all everytime she tried to tell me she thinks he was dating someone else... Now, my brother was the kind of man who loved women and women loved him... He used to have several girlfriends at a time... That was, before he met this girl... They lived together and were always in each other's company except when he was at work or the few times he manages to come to my house... Tried telling her that he wasn't cheating on her but she wouldn't let me so, i let her be...
While talking to my brother about her recent behaviour, i realized one thing... She was afraid... The fear of losing him was so much that she became neurotic and eventually pushed him away...
Thinking about it, i realised that she wasn't the only one with this fear... A lot of people has this problem... I also have this problem...
It's probably something that comes hand in hand with love... There's always this deep down dread that you'lll lose the one(s) you love... It's that fear that sometimes make us protective or over-protective as the case may be... I somehow find myself calling all my siblings everytime i see or hear of an accident... Ok, maybe i don't really say anything that makes any sense when i call but the moment i hear their voices and they sound okay, i relax but before that time, i'm usually afraid...
Just yesterday, i exhibited the same trait with Chocolate... It may or may not have been called for but later when i took out time to think about it, i realized that it was fear of losing him that pushed me into doing what i did... Here's what happened...
He's out of the country for work and somehow landed in a castle somewhere in the dead end of the UK for a retreat...HE didn't have time to buy a sim before he headed out, BB messenger was acting up and the only number i had was that of the castle... So, i called and asked to be transfered to his extension but i was told it was busy... At midnight!!! Tried again after 30mins and it was still the same story... I started to freak out when i tried in the morning and was told the same thing... Maybe he was with someone... Maybe he'd decided he was tired of talking to me and i was a pain in the ass... I don't know why i started thinking like that but i found myself thinking it anyway...
When i finally got hold of him on BBM, we somehow had a fight over it because i was being (according to him) obstinate... I think he got more than a little pissed off about my reaction and he didn't like the way i was making him feel like he was guilty of something... Somehow, he mentioned that i have a strange way of showing him i loved him... Something about maybe i loved him too much and that got me talking... Now, anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that i get out of control when i talk... Just give me a reason to talk and i'll go on and on till i land myself in hot water... At the end, i told him i needed time away from him to sort out my feelings to which he asked what he was supposed to do while i thought... I told him he could do what he wanted... 10mins later, i realised i'd just made a huge mistake but by this time, he no longer wanted to speak to me... I couldn't sleep... There's a lot one can think about while tossing and turning on the bed... I realized that in my fear, i'm pushing my happiness away... Sent my friend G a message to say i've put my foot in it and maybe i had an evil spirit that makes me like being unhappy because this won't be the first time i was doing something as stupid as this... I needed prayers and fast!!! She said she'd talk to my man...
This morning, we made up after i'd sent about a million messages to apologize... I'm glad he cares enough not to walk away...
Fear always has a way of destroying lives and it's about time i dealt with it so it doesn't destroy mine... Although i'll say this... Fear or no, i want to have everyone i love around me always...
XXXX
Bee
Apparently, while they were dating she had a habit of accusing him of one phantom thing or other... Sometimes, she say she was told he was out with another woman or she tells him she had a dream that he left her for someone else then proceed to fight him like it was something that happened for real... Her mood swings were something he had to learn to deal with... I didn't get it at all everytime she tried to tell me she thinks he was dating someone else... Now, my brother was the kind of man who loved women and women loved him... He used to have several girlfriends at a time... That was, before he met this girl... They lived together and were always in each other's company except when he was at work or the few times he manages to come to my house... Tried telling her that he wasn't cheating on her but she wouldn't let me so, i let her be...
While talking to my brother about her recent behaviour, i realized one thing... She was afraid... The fear of losing him was so much that she became neurotic and eventually pushed him away...
Thinking about it, i realised that she wasn't the only one with this fear... A lot of people has this problem... I also have this problem...
It's probably something that comes hand in hand with love... There's always this deep down dread that you'lll lose the one(s) you love... It's that fear that sometimes make us protective or over-protective as the case may be... I somehow find myself calling all my siblings everytime i see or hear of an accident... Ok, maybe i don't really say anything that makes any sense when i call but the moment i hear their voices and they sound okay, i relax but before that time, i'm usually afraid...
Just yesterday, i exhibited the same trait with Chocolate... It may or may not have been called for but later when i took out time to think about it, i realized that it was fear of losing him that pushed me into doing what i did... Here's what happened...
He's out of the country for work and somehow landed in a castle somewhere in the dead end of the UK for a retreat...HE didn't have time to buy a sim before he headed out, BB messenger was acting up and the only number i had was that of the castle... So, i called and asked to be transfered to his extension but i was told it was busy... At midnight!!! Tried again after 30mins and it was still the same story... I started to freak out when i tried in the morning and was told the same thing... Maybe he was with someone... Maybe he'd decided he was tired of talking to me and i was a pain in the ass... I don't know why i started thinking like that but i found myself thinking it anyway...
When i finally got hold of him on BBM, we somehow had a fight over it because i was being (according to him) obstinate... I think he got more than a little pissed off about my reaction and he didn't like the way i was making him feel like he was guilty of something... Somehow, he mentioned that i have a strange way of showing him i loved him... Something about maybe i loved him too much and that got me talking... Now, anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that i get out of control when i talk... Just give me a reason to talk and i'll go on and on till i land myself in hot water... At the end, i told him i needed time away from him to sort out my feelings to which he asked what he was supposed to do while i thought... I told him he could do what he wanted... 10mins later, i realised i'd just made a huge mistake but by this time, he no longer wanted to speak to me... I couldn't sleep... There's a lot one can think about while tossing and turning on the bed... I realized that in my fear, i'm pushing my happiness away... Sent my friend G a message to say i've put my foot in it and maybe i had an evil spirit that makes me like being unhappy because this won't be the first time i was doing something as stupid as this... I needed prayers and fast!!! She said she'd talk to my man...
This morning, we made up after i'd sent about a million messages to apologize... I'm glad he cares enough not to walk away...
Fear always has a way of destroying lives and it's about time i dealt with it so it doesn't destroy mine... Although i'll say this... Fear or no, i want to have everyone i love around me always...
XXXX
Bee
Thursday, May 6, 2010
DATING DIARIES
I've always loved being single... The freedom to do whatever you please without worrying about anyone. It's only when you're single that it's possible to just pack up and fly to the Carribeans without notifying anyone, fuck whoever you please, do whatever you please. But like everything that has an upside, there's also a downside to being single. Valentine's day for instance... You want to hang out only to find that all your buddies are coupled up. Maybe you get asked out by a few people and then find yourself in a really bad date or as the third wheel. Both situations? Not good...
Being in a relationship brings with it a certain comfort that you don't get when single. Although, when one or both parties start getting too comfortable, it becomes a problem... I remember once dating a guy who only ever saw me in lounging clothes and my hair in a sleeping net. It never occured to me to dress up for him or anything like that because it didn't make any sense to do so when we're going nowhere. All we ever did was talk while drinking and then screw. That was all there was to it. After a while, it started bugging me and i wanted to break the pattern so, i mentioned we take the drinking out of bed and into the streets but he started dragging his feet so, i let it lie and ended things... I'm smart enough to know when something is going nowhere...
I'm so loving what i have at the moment... I had forgotten the extra something that came with being in a relationship that you cannot get when single and ship-hopping...
Romance... The essence of it is the life blood of a good and solid relationship. And love too... That just wraps things up nicely...
It isn't everyday that i meet a man who really understands me... Hell, i'm not sure i ever met one before but my brain is all fogged up at the moment... My need to know that pisses a lot of guys off, doesn't seem to faze him at all. I ask a question, he answers but because he's a man, he deflects some and i humour him by pretending not to notice.
I had told myself that i wouldn't blog so much about a man i'm seeing but then again, this blog is about being single and searching in Nigeria's own version of New York... Now, for all those who want to know what's been going on, this is for you...
FRIDAY 30th April:
I was standing outside my house with the mechanic who was checking out the extent of damage to my car that i'd banged up nicely the previous night... He drove up, stopped a distance away and i waved because i thought he couldn't see me... He later told me he stopped to get a better view. Hmm... He drove up, parked, got a big hug and we went in so i could brush my hair, get my bag and head out but we ended up sitting down in my house to talk for another 1hour before we finally went out. The plan was to get dinner, go out for drinks and retire somewhere private for the rest of the night. We did just that, minus the going out for drinks bit... I just wanted to be alone with him someplace quiet.
Dinner was great... Table for two, candlelight, rooftop restuarant at Mega Plaza (have no idea what the place is called) and lots of laughs...
Later that night at the quiet place for two, nerves set in... Spent a long time talking about it but at the end, we thought, what the hell and went for it. There are no words to describe what it was like...
SUNDAY 2nd May:
The plan was to go see a movie and we did just that... My brother had suggested Genesis Deluxe Cinemas located upstairs at the palms shopping mall and that was were we went. Decided to see Date Night and it was hilarious... That is, until the lights went off. PHCN had struck!!! Bloody generators weren't working and everyone was pissed... I couldn't help it. I screamed "I LOVE NIGERIA", burst out laughing and almost fell off my chair... Chocolate thought i was crazy but he also saw the humour in the whole incident. Went down to Newscafe to chill and from there, we went to Towers karaoke where i dazzled him with my very sexy voice... Hehehehehehe
WEDNESDAY 5th May:
He came to my house in the afternoon after skipping work earlier than he was supposed to and we were supposed to go bowling... That wasn't to be... The traffic was hellish and he didn't want to get back into it so soon after getting out of it. That was how we chilled in the house until the traffic cleared... Let's just say that by the time we got there and finished eating, the bowling arcade was closed so, we ended up at Newscafe again before i took a taxi home. Didn't want to stress him...
That's the story so far and i'm sure you all know it's been wonderfully edited. You can fill in the blank spots if you like and i won't be mad at all...
I've always loved being single but i'm also loving being in a proper relationship even more... Now, everything i want to do will be planned with someone and if i want to take off, we can do so together... It shouldn't be so bad... Afterall, every good thing comes in twos...
XXXX
Bee
Being in a relationship brings with it a certain comfort that you don't get when single. Although, when one or both parties start getting too comfortable, it becomes a problem... I remember once dating a guy who only ever saw me in lounging clothes and my hair in a sleeping net. It never occured to me to dress up for him or anything like that because it didn't make any sense to do so when we're going nowhere. All we ever did was talk while drinking and then screw. That was all there was to it. After a while, it started bugging me and i wanted to break the pattern so, i mentioned we take the drinking out of bed and into the streets but he started dragging his feet so, i let it lie and ended things... I'm smart enough to know when something is going nowhere...
I'm so loving what i have at the moment... I had forgotten the extra something that came with being in a relationship that you cannot get when single and ship-hopping...
Romance... The essence of it is the life blood of a good and solid relationship. And love too... That just wraps things up nicely...
It isn't everyday that i meet a man who really understands me... Hell, i'm not sure i ever met one before but my brain is all fogged up at the moment... My need to know that pisses a lot of guys off, doesn't seem to faze him at all. I ask a question, he answers but because he's a man, he deflects some and i humour him by pretending not to notice.
I had told myself that i wouldn't blog so much about a man i'm seeing but then again, this blog is about being single and searching in Nigeria's own version of New York... Now, for all those who want to know what's been going on, this is for you...
FRIDAY 30th April:
I was standing outside my house with the mechanic who was checking out the extent of damage to my car that i'd banged up nicely the previous night... He drove up, stopped a distance away and i waved because i thought he couldn't see me... He later told me he stopped to get a better view. Hmm... He drove up, parked, got a big hug and we went in so i could brush my hair, get my bag and head out but we ended up sitting down in my house to talk for another 1hour before we finally went out. The plan was to get dinner, go out for drinks and retire somewhere private for the rest of the night. We did just that, minus the going out for drinks bit... I just wanted to be alone with him someplace quiet.
Dinner was great... Table for two, candlelight, rooftop restuarant at Mega Plaza (have no idea what the place is called) and lots of laughs...
Later that night at the quiet place for two, nerves set in... Spent a long time talking about it but at the end, we thought, what the hell and went for it. There are no words to describe what it was like...
SUNDAY 2nd May:
The plan was to go see a movie and we did just that... My brother had suggested Genesis Deluxe Cinemas located upstairs at the palms shopping mall and that was were we went. Decided to see Date Night and it was hilarious... That is, until the lights went off. PHCN had struck!!! Bloody generators weren't working and everyone was pissed... I couldn't help it. I screamed "I LOVE NIGERIA", burst out laughing and almost fell off my chair... Chocolate thought i was crazy but he also saw the humour in the whole incident. Went down to Newscafe to chill and from there, we went to Towers karaoke where i dazzled him with my very sexy voice... Hehehehehehe
WEDNESDAY 5th May:
He came to my house in the afternoon after skipping work earlier than he was supposed to and we were supposed to go bowling... That wasn't to be... The traffic was hellish and he didn't want to get back into it so soon after getting out of it. That was how we chilled in the house until the traffic cleared... Let's just say that by the time we got there and finished eating, the bowling arcade was closed so, we ended up at Newscafe again before i took a taxi home. Didn't want to stress him...
That's the story so far and i'm sure you all know it's been wonderfully edited. You can fill in the blank spots if you like and i won't be mad at all...
I've always loved being single but i'm also loving being in a proper relationship even more... Now, everything i want to do will be planned with someone and if i want to take off, we can do so together... It shouldn't be so bad... Afterall, every good thing comes in twos...
XXXX
Bee
Monday, May 3, 2010
A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE... I THINK...
Today, i was talking to Chocolate about past relationships... What they meant to us, how we could learn from them and how they could help our relationship become the better for it... We probably wouldn't have had this conversation but we did because curiosity took over me and i went snooping... He had sort of given me permission to check his phone... I say this because he told me the password to his BB and i figured it meant i could use his phone... I snooped and i didn't like what i saw. Even now, i'm still beating myself up for looking and i don't like the feeling... So, back to the gist...
He mentioned being concerned that i've only ever been in love with one other person before he came along. I told him that i should be more concerned because he's been in love three times before (to me, that means that he can fall in and out of love as he pleases) but he rebutted that saying he's the one who should be more concerned... The fact that one man could keep me in love long enough to not be able to love another for over a decade has him more than a little worried. I didn't think that was a problem... To my way of thinking, that should keep him secured... Because, he wouldn't have to worry that i'll skip on to someone else real fast. That should let him know that i'll love him a really long time and would stick with him as long as he treats me right. It should let him know i was stable and not a butterfly even though i sometimes claim to be one...
Somehow, we started talking about sex and the city and how the relationship between Carrie and Mr Big was... The hurts, betrayals and everything... He asked if they finally got married and i told him they did but he'd left her stranded at the ceremony before he came to his senses at the end...
I have a habit of putting my foot in it and it's always difficult to get out of that, you know... I had somehow mentioned that all that Mr Big thingy was crap. Being there, done that, will never end up with the guy i considered my Mr Big and that's that for me.
Why did i mention this? Because sometime ago, just like a few others who read my blog, he'd mentioned that there was something about it that reminded him a little of SATC.
Pause... Pause... Wondered why he wasn't talking and asked as much but he stood up to go the bathroom. When he came out, he said "you remember that one time, Carrie was dating someone but still went to have sex with Mr Big?" and then it was my turn to pause...
Finally found my tongue and told him there was no way i was going to do that to him... I wasn't going to have sex with The Brit ever again but i could see in his eyes that he didn't believe it at all. In my head, i was thinking "ok, there goes any trip i might be considering making to Abuja" because he knows The Brit lives in Abuja and if ever i was going there for any reason, alarm bells will go off in Chocolate's head...
I started thinking that maybe, just maybe, Chocolate wanted to be my Mr Big but the truth is that i do not want him to be... I don't want to love someone who gives me serious doses of pain and hurt for another 10years... Hell, that'll make me 40years old by the time i finally find the strenght to let go... As exciting as it was being with The Brit, i think i'm a little too old to be running around playing the idiot with someone else for another 10years... Too old to take any flights of fancy... It was stupid enough to wait all that time hoping he'll be mine but doing it all over again will be even stupider (my own word, get used to it)...
Tried telling this to Chocolate but he wouldn't be moved... He's really headstrong and once he latches on to something, it's a bit of a problem having him let go of that something... Now, i also get like that but when it comes to matters that concerns The Brit, i try to stay away from the subject because i'm definitely going to say something to defend him and end up pissing someone off...
Then, i said three things to Chocolate... First being that i had already told The Brit off once because he had a habit of coming back to me whenever i have a relationship that's beginning to matter. I'd once asked that he leave me alone so i can find someone who can give me all the things he couldn't. Of course he didn't listen and i guess it was my fault because i used to get in touch with him to tell him what was up in my life maybe with the hope that he'd come to his senses but now, i'm done... Ok, i didn't tell Chocolate about my role in The Brit not letting me go... OOOPSY
Secondly, i explained to him that The Brit will always be a part of my life because it's impossible to unlove one once you've loved them and no matter what he did to me, i refuse to slander The Brit in any way because most of what happened couldn't be helped. It wasn't his fault that i fell hard for him or that i kept loving him over the years... Besides, he's been and always will be my friend.
Thirdly, i described The Brit to him... They are miles apart in the looks department... Where The Brit is very tall, very slim, dark-skinned and sinfully handsome, Chocolate is nothing like that and the last thing i want is to have a constant reminder of The Brit...
Now, don't get me wrong... Chocolate is very handsome in his own right but i do not want to be with anyone who constantly reminds me of The Brit. Over the last years, i've been very careful not to date anyone who looks like that (so far, i've only had a one night stand with someone like that) and i mean to keep it that way. That is, minus the one night stand... It wouldn't do well to have my heart broken by the twin of the one who did it before.
The most important thing which i should've mentioned but didn't was that i'm more likely to spend forever with Chocolate...
Or did i? Think i said something about the fact that The Brit was married to which Chocolate replied that Mr Big was divorced. Then, i told Chocolate that apart from being the first son of a king, The Brit was also Catholic and there was no way in hell he was getting a divorce from his wife!!! Even if he could get one, i'm not sure i'd want a man who leaves his wife for me because chances are, he'll also leave me for another...
From where i'm sitting, i can't even imagine trading Chocolate for The Brit and i'm thinking it's time i finally lay what i had with The Brit to rest because Chocolate isn't the only one who has worried about not being able to live up to The Brit... I once dated someone who constantly worried that The Brit was going to show up anytime and take me away from him and it was very hard to allay his fears until it finally drove a wedge between us... Truth is, no one can live up to The Brit because, he's who he is... My first love... He always will be that because one cannot have 2 first loves... I'm not looking to replace him as it isn't possible and i'm not sure i want a replacement... I just want the ONE... That one special someone that'll love me as much as i do them... There is so much i get from Chocolate that i definitely cannot get from The Brit. Saying "I love you" being one of those things...
So, from henceforth, it's going to have to be like Chocolate says it... WELCOME TO A BRAND NEW DAY...
XXXX
Bee
He mentioned being concerned that i've only ever been in love with one other person before he came along. I told him that i should be more concerned because he's been in love three times before (to me, that means that he can fall in and out of love as he pleases) but he rebutted that saying he's the one who should be more concerned... The fact that one man could keep me in love long enough to not be able to love another for over a decade has him more than a little worried. I didn't think that was a problem... To my way of thinking, that should keep him secured... Because, he wouldn't have to worry that i'll skip on to someone else real fast. That should let him know that i'll love him a really long time and would stick with him as long as he treats me right. It should let him know i was stable and not a butterfly even though i sometimes claim to be one...
Somehow, we started talking about sex and the city and how the relationship between Carrie and Mr Big was... The hurts, betrayals and everything... He asked if they finally got married and i told him they did but he'd left her stranded at the ceremony before he came to his senses at the end...
I have a habit of putting my foot in it and it's always difficult to get out of that, you know... I had somehow mentioned that all that Mr Big thingy was crap. Being there, done that, will never end up with the guy i considered my Mr Big and that's that for me.
Why did i mention this? Because sometime ago, just like a few others who read my blog, he'd mentioned that there was something about it that reminded him a little of SATC.
Pause... Pause... Wondered why he wasn't talking and asked as much but he stood up to go the bathroom. When he came out, he said "you remember that one time, Carrie was dating someone but still went to have sex with Mr Big?" and then it was my turn to pause...
Finally found my tongue and told him there was no way i was going to do that to him... I wasn't going to have sex with The Brit ever again but i could see in his eyes that he didn't believe it at all. In my head, i was thinking "ok, there goes any trip i might be considering making to Abuja" because he knows The Brit lives in Abuja and if ever i was going there for any reason, alarm bells will go off in Chocolate's head...
I started thinking that maybe, just maybe, Chocolate wanted to be my Mr Big but the truth is that i do not want him to be... I don't want to love someone who gives me serious doses of pain and hurt for another 10years... Hell, that'll make me 40years old by the time i finally find the strenght to let go... As exciting as it was being with The Brit, i think i'm a little too old to be running around playing the idiot with someone else for another 10years... Too old to take any flights of fancy... It was stupid enough to wait all that time hoping he'll be mine but doing it all over again will be even stupider (my own word, get used to it)...
Tried telling this to Chocolate but he wouldn't be moved... He's really headstrong and once he latches on to something, it's a bit of a problem having him let go of that something... Now, i also get like that but when it comes to matters that concerns The Brit, i try to stay away from the subject because i'm definitely going to say something to defend him and end up pissing someone off...
Then, i said three things to Chocolate... First being that i had already told The Brit off once because he had a habit of coming back to me whenever i have a relationship that's beginning to matter. I'd once asked that he leave me alone so i can find someone who can give me all the things he couldn't. Of course he didn't listen and i guess it was my fault because i used to get in touch with him to tell him what was up in my life maybe with the hope that he'd come to his senses but now, i'm done... Ok, i didn't tell Chocolate about my role in The Brit not letting me go... OOOPSY
Secondly, i explained to him that The Brit will always be a part of my life because it's impossible to unlove one once you've loved them and no matter what he did to me, i refuse to slander The Brit in any way because most of what happened couldn't be helped. It wasn't his fault that i fell hard for him or that i kept loving him over the years... Besides, he's been and always will be my friend.
Thirdly, i described The Brit to him... They are miles apart in the looks department... Where The Brit is very tall, very slim, dark-skinned and sinfully handsome, Chocolate is nothing like that and the last thing i want is to have a constant reminder of The Brit...
Now, don't get me wrong... Chocolate is very handsome in his own right but i do not want to be with anyone who constantly reminds me of The Brit. Over the last years, i've been very careful not to date anyone who looks like that (so far, i've only had a one night stand with someone like that) and i mean to keep it that way. That is, minus the one night stand... It wouldn't do well to have my heart broken by the twin of the one who did it before.
The most important thing which i should've mentioned but didn't was that i'm more likely to spend forever with Chocolate...
Or did i? Think i said something about the fact that The Brit was married to which Chocolate replied that Mr Big was divorced. Then, i told Chocolate that apart from being the first son of a king, The Brit was also Catholic and there was no way in hell he was getting a divorce from his wife!!! Even if he could get one, i'm not sure i'd want a man who leaves his wife for me because chances are, he'll also leave me for another...
From where i'm sitting, i can't even imagine trading Chocolate for The Brit and i'm thinking it's time i finally lay what i had with The Brit to rest because Chocolate isn't the only one who has worried about not being able to live up to The Brit... I once dated someone who constantly worried that The Brit was going to show up anytime and take me away from him and it was very hard to allay his fears until it finally drove a wedge between us... Truth is, no one can live up to The Brit because, he's who he is... My first love... He always will be that because one cannot have 2 first loves... I'm not looking to replace him as it isn't possible and i'm not sure i want a replacement... I just want the ONE... That one special someone that'll love me as much as i do them... There is so much i get from Chocolate that i definitely cannot get from The Brit. Saying "I love you" being one of those things...
So, from henceforth, it's going to have to be like Chocolate says it... WELCOME TO A BRAND NEW DAY...
XXXX
Bee
Saturday, May 1, 2010
CRAZY AS USUAL...
Walked in and the first thing i noticed was this amazing painting on the wall... Heard a couple of wows, looked to my sides and realized that my companions were also enthralled by this painting. I just had to touch it... Started walking closer and got distracted by the view...
A few weeks ago, i was out with a friend and his brother... It was so much fun until it started raining heavily on my way back and i couldn't see a thing. While trying to get us home in one piece, i mis-judged and almost crashed, tried to see straight and lost a tyre in the process. Managed to get home only to fall flat on my butt on my balcony and busted my foot in the same spot that i'd gotten injured 18years before... Needless to say i was in pain and pissed as hell... It wasn't pretty.
Next weekend, too scared to drive, i convinced D to take her car instead... We went to polo club to meet a friend of hers. We were gisting and making a lot of silly remarks and all... Met some really nice guys and one of them was going gaga over D... Talked... Alot... The conversation veered to sex and i could see D's claws literally coming out. We were having so much fun that we decided to take it further and that was how we ended up at Auto Lounge... Now, D isn't particularly fond of Auto Lounge because it seems to be the place where pot-belied old men are always on the prowl for hot young things... Just as there are pot-belied 'money miss roads' in the place, there's an abundance of sexy hot young things... Truth be told, i like Auto Lounge but if you ask me why, i may not be able to say...
When we got there, there was no place to sit... Went to stand at the bar and while trying to order drinks, i saw an old friend of mine who then decided to buy us a bottle of grey goose... We drank, danced and went back to D's house to sleep...
Next day, D invited us out for drinks with the guy who was crazy about her the previous day. We took a cab and got to V.I, got picked up at mega plaza and ended up at the house with the amazing view... We started drinking champagne and i decided to have some vodka... At some point, i started to loosen up and have fun... The whole 'stick up the ass bit' was getting a bit tiresome and i wanted to have a great time... I did... Needless to say we got tired of seeing just us alone drinking and went to Rehab at 3am... That was where the beast in me took over. I saw my most recent ex, danced a lot, drank a lot and ended back at the house with the view... The owner of the house (who's really sexy by the way) wanted to get in my pants but i refused... I have a man, thanks a lot... If he cheated on me, i'd be devastated. I didn't want to do to that to him... I probably cheated on him in a way... I spent the night on another man's bed... Does that count as cheatng? Will have to work that out in my head...
Next week and its my brother's birthday... We decided to go to the karaoke and then we went to Caliente against my will... On my way back, we had an accident!!!
Its a little hard to explain what happened because i don't exactly know what happened... I was totally drunk... What happened? We left the house for the karaoke late because my car didn't come back from the mechanic on time. I had 2 big bottles of heineken then left for Caliente where i had 1 long island iced tea... If i'd stopped at that, i'd be okay but the owner of the club asked me to do shooters and i couldn't refuse... Dunno how many shooters i had but i know that i had a lot, did some pole dancing, got to my car, drove a bit before K asked to drive... I let her drive for a bit then decided i didnt like the way she was driving and took the car from her at the 1st toll gate... I didnt see the roundabout... I swear, i didn't see it. Next thing i knew, the bloody thing was a hair's breath from me... Swerved to avoid it but i was going to fast and ended up in d sand on a side road... Had to carry the car out of that place... The tie rods got bent and i had to drive home shakingly... I hurt all over and my foot that wasn't completely healed got bursted all over again... My sister had a headache and K dislocated her arm... If anyone had told me that i'll be that irresponsible at this age, i would refuse to believe... There i was, driving drunk at 3:30am and not looking properly... I still can't believe it!!!
Chocolate is back and we went out last night... Not sure if i want to share all yet but soon...
XXXX
Bee
A few weeks ago, i was out with a friend and his brother... It was so much fun until it started raining heavily on my way back and i couldn't see a thing. While trying to get us home in one piece, i mis-judged and almost crashed, tried to see straight and lost a tyre in the process. Managed to get home only to fall flat on my butt on my balcony and busted my foot in the same spot that i'd gotten injured 18years before... Needless to say i was in pain and pissed as hell... It wasn't pretty.
Next weekend, too scared to drive, i convinced D to take her car instead... We went to polo club to meet a friend of hers. We were gisting and making a lot of silly remarks and all... Met some really nice guys and one of them was going gaga over D... Talked... Alot... The conversation veered to sex and i could see D's claws literally coming out. We were having so much fun that we decided to take it further and that was how we ended up at Auto Lounge... Now, D isn't particularly fond of Auto Lounge because it seems to be the place where pot-belied old men are always on the prowl for hot young things... Just as there are pot-belied 'money miss roads' in the place, there's an abundance of sexy hot young things... Truth be told, i like Auto Lounge but if you ask me why, i may not be able to say...
When we got there, there was no place to sit... Went to stand at the bar and while trying to order drinks, i saw an old friend of mine who then decided to buy us a bottle of grey goose... We drank, danced and went back to D's house to sleep...
Next day, D invited us out for drinks with the guy who was crazy about her the previous day. We took a cab and got to V.I, got picked up at mega plaza and ended up at the house with the amazing view... We started drinking champagne and i decided to have some vodka... At some point, i started to loosen up and have fun... The whole 'stick up the ass bit' was getting a bit tiresome and i wanted to have a great time... I did... Needless to say we got tired of seeing just us alone drinking and went to Rehab at 3am... That was where the beast in me took over. I saw my most recent ex, danced a lot, drank a lot and ended back at the house with the view... The owner of the house (who's really sexy by the way) wanted to get in my pants but i refused... I have a man, thanks a lot... If he cheated on me, i'd be devastated. I didn't want to do to that to him... I probably cheated on him in a way... I spent the night on another man's bed... Does that count as cheatng? Will have to work that out in my head...
Next week and its my brother's birthday... We decided to go to the karaoke and then we went to Caliente against my will... On my way back, we had an accident!!!
Its a little hard to explain what happened because i don't exactly know what happened... I was totally drunk... What happened? We left the house for the karaoke late because my car didn't come back from the mechanic on time. I had 2 big bottles of heineken then left for Caliente where i had 1 long island iced tea... If i'd stopped at that, i'd be okay but the owner of the club asked me to do shooters and i couldn't refuse... Dunno how many shooters i had but i know that i had a lot, did some pole dancing, got to my car, drove a bit before K asked to drive... I let her drive for a bit then decided i didnt like the way she was driving and took the car from her at the 1st toll gate... I didnt see the roundabout... I swear, i didn't see it. Next thing i knew, the bloody thing was a hair's breath from me... Swerved to avoid it but i was going to fast and ended up in d sand on a side road... Had to carry the car out of that place... The tie rods got bent and i had to drive home shakingly... I hurt all over and my foot that wasn't completely healed got bursted all over again... My sister had a headache and K dislocated her arm... If anyone had told me that i'll be that irresponsible at this age, i would refuse to believe... There i was, driving drunk at 3:30am and not looking properly... I still can't believe it!!!
Chocolate is back and we went out last night... Not sure if i want to share all yet but soon...
XXXX
Bee
Thursday, April 22, 2010
ONE STEP AT A TIME...
One beautiful but lonely christmas day, i made a decision that would change my life forever... I started writing a blog.
When i first started writing, i didn't know if anyone would bother to read it or not. I just wrote anyway... It gave me something to do and amazingly, people started reading the posts and i made a friend.
My girl G has a habit of bragging about her friends when they do something really fabulous and i was surprised to hear that she'd told this guy about my blog. He read it, loved it and sent me a mail... We became fast friends. Wrote to each other everyday and reading a mail and clutching my sides laughing became a regular thing for people to see... As a matter of fact, Mr Man told me once that he didn't believe for a minute that all the guy wanted was to be friends. He believed the guy was just softening me up before asking me out but i told Mr Man he was just jealous of my friendship and i didn't think that was the case with this guy...
I'll call him Chocolate...
For about 3months we wrote to each other everyday and it never occured to either of us to ask for phone numbers or plan a meeting... I found him very easy to talk to... He became my virtual best friend and there was almost nothing i didn't discuss with him.
Then came this friday and i went to Towers karaoke with G... She was sending messages on her blackberry (i didn't have one at the time) and smiling like a loon while i was doing my best to understand why because the karaoke was boring as hell... When she stopped typing for a minute, i asked her if she wanted to leave because i was bored. She said she'd like to.. Oh, by the way Chocolate is at Swe with his colleagues and maybe we should go there she said.
I was scared and excited in equal doses. I wasn't sure i wanted to meet him so as not to spoil everything. I was worried he may not be what i expect and our friendship will be compromised but i also wanted to meet him just because...
Remembered my cousin had mentioned something about going to Swe that morning at my place as well so, decided to call my cousin and ask if she was still there so we can meet her. I didn't want G to know that i wanted to use the opportunity to meet Chocolate too.
I'm pretty sure she will kill me when she reads this...
We got to Swe and just as i was parking, she said "oh, there he is"... Came out of the car to say hello and got hit... an unexpected electrical bolt that shot through my entire system. I just stood there and stared like a retarded person... Several minutes passed while G was talking to him and i'm unsure till this day that she knew what happened. Finally found my voice and asked that he come inside but he said he was tired and had to go home... Another time, he said.
After that day, i knew that if ever i saw him again i'd be done for so, i avoided every talk of meeting. For all i knew, i was just his virtual friend whom he ran into one day. I kept my feelings to myself and continued talking to him as a friend with the hope that it'll pass...
Then i got a blackberry, sent him the pin and started chatting with him. He told me he was travelling for work that weekend and will be away for a month... I can't remember who asked now but somehow we made a date to see a movie that evening...
I think i spent 2hrs or so agonizing over what to wear and it didn't help that i was having a bad hair day. Finally settled on a dress and went to meet him... I ended up getting there later than i planned because i had a flat tyre on my way.
I saw him and found that i had trouble meeting his eyes... I couldn't believe myself!!! Here i was behaving like a high school student speaking to her crush for the first time and that really pissed me off but i couldn't help it.
We saw a movie then went down to Cubes for drinks... Spent the next few hours talking but my heart was pounding really hard the whole time. It was thursday...
We chatted on blackberry messenger until saturday when he asked for my number... I gave it to him and he called... Sometime during the hour or so that we spoke, i blurted out that i had a crush on him... He left the next day...
In the last two weeks, we've spoken to each other everyday and there is no subject sacred... In the last two weeks, i've found myself on the road that i travelled once a long time ago... I wasn't ready for the journey but it seems like i was pushed onto the road when i wasn't looking... It was a road that caused me pain and happiness in a 70/30 measure with The Brit... If you guessed love, you got it right.
I am completely in love with this man and i have a feeling that i fell hard that night at the carpark of city mall...
So, he doesn't look like a Greek god but who cares? I'm in love with someone who loves me back and that's what counts...
The next step is to follow the road and see where it takes us...
XXXX
Bee
When i first started writing, i didn't know if anyone would bother to read it or not. I just wrote anyway... It gave me something to do and amazingly, people started reading the posts and i made a friend.
My girl G has a habit of bragging about her friends when they do something really fabulous and i was surprised to hear that she'd told this guy about my blog. He read it, loved it and sent me a mail... We became fast friends. Wrote to each other everyday and reading a mail and clutching my sides laughing became a regular thing for people to see... As a matter of fact, Mr Man told me once that he didn't believe for a minute that all the guy wanted was to be friends. He believed the guy was just softening me up before asking me out but i told Mr Man he was just jealous of my friendship and i didn't think that was the case with this guy...
I'll call him Chocolate...
For about 3months we wrote to each other everyday and it never occured to either of us to ask for phone numbers or plan a meeting... I found him very easy to talk to... He became my virtual best friend and there was almost nothing i didn't discuss with him.
Then came this friday and i went to Towers karaoke with G... She was sending messages on her blackberry (i didn't have one at the time) and smiling like a loon while i was doing my best to understand why because the karaoke was boring as hell... When she stopped typing for a minute, i asked her if she wanted to leave because i was bored. She said she'd like to.. Oh, by the way Chocolate is at Swe with his colleagues and maybe we should go there she said.
I was scared and excited in equal doses. I wasn't sure i wanted to meet him so as not to spoil everything. I was worried he may not be what i expect and our friendship will be compromised but i also wanted to meet him just because...
Remembered my cousin had mentioned something about going to Swe that morning at my place as well so, decided to call my cousin and ask if she was still there so we can meet her. I didn't want G to know that i wanted to use the opportunity to meet Chocolate too.
I'm pretty sure she will kill me when she reads this...
We got to Swe and just as i was parking, she said "oh, there he is"... Came out of the car to say hello and got hit... an unexpected electrical bolt that shot through my entire system. I just stood there and stared like a retarded person... Several minutes passed while G was talking to him and i'm unsure till this day that she knew what happened. Finally found my voice and asked that he come inside but he said he was tired and had to go home... Another time, he said.
After that day, i knew that if ever i saw him again i'd be done for so, i avoided every talk of meeting. For all i knew, i was just his virtual friend whom he ran into one day. I kept my feelings to myself and continued talking to him as a friend with the hope that it'll pass...
Then i got a blackberry, sent him the pin and started chatting with him. He told me he was travelling for work that weekend and will be away for a month... I can't remember who asked now but somehow we made a date to see a movie that evening...
I think i spent 2hrs or so agonizing over what to wear and it didn't help that i was having a bad hair day. Finally settled on a dress and went to meet him... I ended up getting there later than i planned because i had a flat tyre on my way.
I saw him and found that i had trouble meeting his eyes... I couldn't believe myself!!! Here i was behaving like a high school student speaking to her crush for the first time and that really pissed me off but i couldn't help it.
We saw a movie then went down to Cubes for drinks... Spent the next few hours talking but my heart was pounding really hard the whole time. It was thursday...
We chatted on blackberry messenger until saturday when he asked for my number... I gave it to him and he called... Sometime during the hour or so that we spoke, i blurted out that i had a crush on him... He left the next day...
In the last two weeks, we've spoken to each other everyday and there is no subject sacred... In the last two weeks, i've found myself on the road that i travelled once a long time ago... I wasn't ready for the journey but it seems like i was pushed onto the road when i wasn't looking... It was a road that caused me pain and happiness in a 70/30 measure with The Brit... If you guessed love, you got it right.
I am completely in love with this man and i have a feeling that i fell hard that night at the carpark of city mall...
So, he doesn't look like a Greek god but who cares? I'm in love with someone who loves me back and that's what counts...
The next step is to follow the road and see where it takes us...
XXXX
Bee
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
FLASH AND CASH
It has never occured to me to get a regular job... Like every kid in Nigeria is expected to, i went to school but got bored quickly and left. Still do not have my OND certificate because i was too impatient at the time i was supposed to collect it.
Gave all my documents (original and photocopies) to my HOD in Ile-Ife to help me process and the bargard (if that's a word) lost them!!! Didn't matter that i paid him for his trouble and have spent a lot of time and money trying to get them back to no avail... HAven't given up completely but have chilled for a bit...
Have been in business for myself since year 2000 and have gone all the what nots that business entails... The good, the bad and the downright depressing...
When i modelled. it was a lot of flash but no cash... I just loved strutting my stuff on the runway and it didn't matter one way or other what i was getting paid... I was having the time of my life. After my surgery, i realised that there was more to life than just having fun so, decided to start a business...
It was good... First time i turned a profit, i was over the moon and thus it continued till i realised that some people's aim in life is to help bring you down from whatever point you've risen to... How else do you explain someone who buys stuff of about 100k and disappears? Or a friend who gallantly offers to help you sell stuff and never shows up with the money?
In 2006, i had a good business year but in the 3rd quarter i lost my mother whom i'd been working so hard to look after... I was devastated!!! Kept my shops locked and went home to bury her but her extended family decided to use it as an opportunity to milk me... It wasn't pretty... They didn't even care that i was mourning the loss, all they wanted was money. Apparently, they had news that i was quite successful...
In 2007, i discovered foreign trips... A few friends of mine including my sister and cousin decided it would be fun to go to Dubai. Of course i wanted to go too... We went, we had fun, bought stuff to sell and came back but i wanted more. Proceeded to go back there three more times that year alone and thus the madness begun... I wasn't waiting to sell what i had bought from the previous trip before i went back for more... It wasn't long before disaster occured...
In 2008, one of my friends decided to get married in London and off i went. Met a man who fascinated me and the idea of relocating took root. Wanted to try it out for a month before making the decision of moving or not. I left to stay with him and he turned out the ultimate asshole so, i came back home... It never occured to me to check up on my business... I just assumed the shop was being taken care of... Lo and behold, when i got back home, more than half the cosmetics in the shop had expired, perfumes were missing, make-up were melting or broken, there was almost no cash in the shop account and my salesgirl had disappeared!!!
Tried picking myself up from where i had fallen but it wasn't easy... Had to close the shop because i couldn't afford it anymore... My savings were depleted (i had spent it all on travel, clubbing, expensive dinners and expensive hadbags) and there was nothing to fall back on... I had assumed foolishly that i had a lot in the shop and there was nothing to worry about...
Now, here i am back at a hobby i abandoned in 2006 because i wanted to concentrate on my cosmetic shop... I will not lie, i love making jewellery and have gotten better over the years but i wish i hadn't made all the mistakes i made and threw my life away...
If i could go back, there's a lot i'll change but things like this once happened, has happened and there really is nothing one can do to change anything... I even spent almost a year at home doing nothing but hanging onto self-pity to the point that my get up and go, got up and left me...
After a time, i decided to pick myself off the floor, dust my butt and get back into the game.
So, here i am doing my best to get back to and surpass what was... It's not been easy but i do know that with detemination and hardwork, things will get better... I have left behind the distractions that were friends and now concentrating on me as a person with the hope that my efforts will be crowned with glory...
Why did i write this?
To let you all know that my life isn't just about trying to find love in this crazy city but also about finding personal fulfillment and i'm well on my way...
Wish me luck...
XXXX
Bee
Gave all my documents (original and photocopies) to my HOD in Ile-Ife to help me process and the bargard (if that's a word) lost them!!! Didn't matter that i paid him for his trouble and have spent a lot of time and money trying to get them back to no avail... HAven't given up completely but have chilled for a bit...
Have been in business for myself since year 2000 and have gone all the what nots that business entails... The good, the bad and the downright depressing...
When i modelled. it was a lot of flash but no cash... I just loved strutting my stuff on the runway and it didn't matter one way or other what i was getting paid... I was having the time of my life. After my surgery, i realised that there was more to life than just having fun so, decided to start a business...
It was good... First time i turned a profit, i was over the moon and thus it continued till i realised that some people's aim in life is to help bring you down from whatever point you've risen to... How else do you explain someone who buys stuff of about 100k and disappears? Or a friend who gallantly offers to help you sell stuff and never shows up with the money?
In 2006, i had a good business year but in the 3rd quarter i lost my mother whom i'd been working so hard to look after... I was devastated!!! Kept my shops locked and went home to bury her but her extended family decided to use it as an opportunity to milk me... It wasn't pretty... They didn't even care that i was mourning the loss, all they wanted was money. Apparently, they had news that i was quite successful...
In 2007, i discovered foreign trips... A few friends of mine including my sister and cousin decided it would be fun to go to Dubai. Of course i wanted to go too... We went, we had fun, bought stuff to sell and came back but i wanted more. Proceeded to go back there three more times that year alone and thus the madness begun... I wasn't waiting to sell what i had bought from the previous trip before i went back for more... It wasn't long before disaster occured...
In 2008, one of my friends decided to get married in London and off i went. Met a man who fascinated me and the idea of relocating took root. Wanted to try it out for a month before making the decision of moving or not. I left to stay with him and he turned out the ultimate asshole so, i came back home... It never occured to me to check up on my business... I just assumed the shop was being taken care of... Lo and behold, when i got back home, more than half the cosmetics in the shop had expired, perfumes were missing, make-up were melting or broken, there was almost no cash in the shop account and my salesgirl had disappeared!!!
Tried picking myself up from where i had fallen but it wasn't easy... Had to close the shop because i couldn't afford it anymore... My savings were depleted (i had spent it all on travel, clubbing, expensive dinners and expensive hadbags) and there was nothing to fall back on... I had assumed foolishly that i had a lot in the shop and there was nothing to worry about...
Now, here i am back at a hobby i abandoned in 2006 because i wanted to concentrate on my cosmetic shop... I will not lie, i love making jewellery and have gotten better over the years but i wish i hadn't made all the mistakes i made and threw my life away...
If i could go back, there's a lot i'll change but things like this once happened, has happened and there really is nothing one can do to change anything... I even spent almost a year at home doing nothing but hanging onto self-pity to the point that my get up and go, got up and left me...
After a time, i decided to pick myself off the floor, dust my butt and get back into the game.
So, here i am doing my best to get back to and surpass what was... It's not been easy but i do know that with detemination and hardwork, things will get better... I have left behind the distractions that were friends and now concentrating on me as a person with the hope that my efforts will be crowned with glory...
Why did i write this?
To let you all know that my life isn't just about trying to find love in this crazy city but also about finding personal fulfillment and i'm well on my way...
Wish me luck...
XXXX
Bee
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
STILL HERE...
Haven't posted anything in a while now and that's not for lack of stuff to write about but due to financial trouble
Still having trouble but I'm hoping I will sort out my laptop power pack and internet connection sometime today or tomorrow morning...
This is just to let you all know the situation instead of thinking that I've stopped writing...
XXXX
Bee
Still having trouble but I'm hoping I will sort out my laptop power pack and internet connection sometime today or tomorrow morning...
This is just to let you all know the situation instead of thinking that I've stopped writing...
XXXX
Bee
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
CAN WE BE FRIENDS???
We met, we loved, we lost and decided to go our separate ways but it’s a little hard to walk away from someone when you’ve been intimate and shared a lot with each other... What’s the next logical step? Try to be friends... How that will work isn’t something you think about when you have decided to be friends but you give it a shot anyway and land nicely on your bottom.....
Growing up, most of my friends were guys... As a matter of fact, the first guy who kissed me was someone who’d been my friend for several years... My first crush was my friend and so was my first boyfriend... The idiot who forced himself on me the first time was a friend and it just goes on and on... Sometimes i wonder why i still have male friends but the truth is, it’s very hard for me to not be friends with someone i like... Or someone i dated as the case may be... Seeing an ex and walking by without saying ‘’hello’’ is not in my book... I used to like saying i’m still friends with every man i’ve dated but in the last 3months, i’ve been wondering if that is a good idea...
Ok, so i’ve met quite a few men who fancy getting in my pants but whom i would rather not have that way... I decide we’ll be friends and we become friends... In my mind, he’s just a friend. In their minds, they’re softening me up for the kill...
There’s a friend of mine ‘E’ whom i met when i was 16... We became fast friends because he was my cousin’s best friend... I really liked spending time with my cousin and that meant spending a lot of time with E as well... ‘E’ is a very handsome guy... The kind who breaks 3dozen hearts a year but i never looked at him and saw ‘potential boyfriend’. All i saw when i looked at him was ‘my very handsome friend’... What i didn’t know was that he saw something completely different... After my cousin died and i moved to Lagos, we still saw each other when i went to the South or he came to Lagos and so it was until one night in his hotel room he decided to tell me he’s in love with me and blah blah... All the kind of things a woman would expect a man to say to her... Only catch was, he was saying them to me just because he wanted to get in my pants... Of course i said no... We’re still friends but that easy, free relationship we shared is long gone...
Then there was ‘V’ the body builder whom i met the day after i came into Lagos 12years ago... We became very good friends... I even lived in his house at some point when i had accommodation issues and we went to the gym together every other day. Why, he even hooked me up with a friend of his... You can then imagine my surprise when a few years ago, he told me he was in love with me and has been for a very long time (yes, they throw the L word around a lot)... I didn’t know what to say to him so, i wisely kept my mouth shut on said day. He was persistent, that he was. After a very long time, i decided to give it a shot (my girlfriends convinced me to, arguing i had nothing to lose as i wasn’t in a relationship at the time) and what a bad shot it turned out to be... First time we had sex, it was weird and very very awkward. Found myself holding back laughter half the time and the sex was worse than worst... While thinking of a way to end things without ruining everything, one of my friends found out from her cousin that he was married (something that didn’t occur to him to mention to me)... Reason i didn’t know this was because i didn’t see him for a couple of years at some point... The relationship ended. As a matter of fact, we don’t even talk anymore...
Why did i decide to write this? It has to do with a friend of mine whom i've known for more than 3years and in that time, he'd asked me out but i didn’t like him in that way... I really liked him as a person though and didn’t want to lose his friendship so, i convinced him it’d be better all around if we didn’t have anything sexual to complicate issues...
In the time that we’ve been friends, i hadn’t had cause to regret being friends with him for a minute but i don’t know how i feel about that now given what happened the other day. My sister and her family are in my house and the whole place is full. Found myself sleeping on the floor on more than one occasion and my body was aching from it so, i decided to go chill with him at his place the other night. We’d gone out and the plan was for me to drop him off and go home but i decided to stay when i realized that i had little petrol and it was around 2am... Chill i did and because i figured i was ok and had nothing to worry about, i went to sleep. Of course i had my jeans, shirt and everything on. At some point in the night, i tried to change sleeping positions and realized i couldn’t move. Opened my eyes to find him wrapped around me with 2 of my shirt buttons undone... Realised that the fancy pin with i used to hold my shirt together was on the bed and digging into my back... I saw RED... No, more like a kaleidoscope of crazy colours... Took a deep breath to calm myself, extricated myself completely from him and moved to the edge of the bed. It was around 4:30am and i was sleepy... Didn’t want to have a fight so, i said nothing... Just left the next morning but i knew that there was no way in hell i’d ever put myself in that position EVER again...
Now begs the question, can the opposite sex ever really be JUST friends? Is it really possible? Can we ever find a way to put all sexual thoughts aside and just be platonic friends? I guess not...
That is the reason why i said NO when ‘K’ (a guy i dated for 6months in 2007) asked that we be friends... I learned my lesson, thanks a lot... Thing is, if he doesn’t jump my bones, i might jump his someday. As they say, prevention is better than cure or like my Warri people will say ‘’provision store is better than kiosk’... I rest my case...
XXXX
Bee
Note: This wasn’t meant to hurt… Just speaking my mind…
Growing up, most of my friends were guys... As a matter of fact, the first guy who kissed me was someone who’d been my friend for several years... My first crush was my friend and so was my first boyfriend... The idiot who forced himself on me the first time was a friend and it just goes on and on... Sometimes i wonder why i still have male friends but the truth is, it’s very hard for me to not be friends with someone i like... Or someone i dated as the case may be... Seeing an ex and walking by without saying ‘’hello’’ is not in my book... I used to like saying i’m still friends with every man i’ve dated but in the last 3months, i’ve been wondering if that is a good idea...
Ok, so i’ve met quite a few men who fancy getting in my pants but whom i would rather not have that way... I decide we’ll be friends and we become friends... In my mind, he’s just a friend. In their minds, they’re softening me up for the kill...
There’s a friend of mine ‘E’ whom i met when i was 16... We became fast friends because he was my cousin’s best friend... I really liked spending time with my cousin and that meant spending a lot of time with E as well... ‘E’ is a very handsome guy... The kind who breaks 3dozen hearts a year but i never looked at him and saw ‘potential boyfriend’. All i saw when i looked at him was ‘my very handsome friend’... What i didn’t know was that he saw something completely different... After my cousin died and i moved to Lagos, we still saw each other when i went to the South or he came to Lagos and so it was until one night in his hotel room he decided to tell me he’s in love with me and blah blah... All the kind of things a woman would expect a man to say to her... Only catch was, he was saying them to me just because he wanted to get in my pants... Of course i said no... We’re still friends but that easy, free relationship we shared is long gone...
Then there was ‘V’ the body builder whom i met the day after i came into Lagos 12years ago... We became very good friends... I even lived in his house at some point when i had accommodation issues and we went to the gym together every other day. Why, he even hooked me up with a friend of his... You can then imagine my surprise when a few years ago, he told me he was in love with me and has been for a very long time (yes, they throw the L word around a lot)... I didn’t know what to say to him so, i wisely kept my mouth shut on said day. He was persistent, that he was. After a very long time, i decided to give it a shot (my girlfriends convinced me to, arguing i had nothing to lose as i wasn’t in a relationship at the time) and what a bad shot it turned out to be... First time we had sex, it was weird and very very awkward. Found myself holding back laughter half the time and the sex was worse than worst... While thinking of a way to end things without ruining everything, one of my friends found out from her cousin that he was married (something that didn’t occur to him to mention to me)... Reason i didn’t know this was because i didn’t see him for a couple of years at some point... The relationship ended. As a matter of fact, we don’t even talk anymore...
Why did i decide to write this? It has to do with a friend of mine whom i've known for more than 3years and in that time, he'd asked me out but i didn’t like him in that way... I really liked him as a person though and didn’t want to lose his friendship so, i convinced him it’d be better all around if we didn’t have anything sexual to complicate issues...
In the time that we’ve been friends, i hadn’t had cause to regret being friends with him for a minute but i don’t know how i feel about that now given what happened the other day. My sister and her family are in my house and the whole place is full. Found myself sleeping on the floor on more than one occasion and my body was aching from it so, i decided to go chill with him at his place the other night. We’d gone out and the plan was for me to drop him off and go home but i decided to stay when i realized that i had little petrol and it was around 2am... Chill i did and because i figured i was ok and had nothing to worry about, i went to sleep. Of course i had my jeans, shirt and everything on. At some point in the night, i tried to change sleeping positions and realized i couldn’t move. Opened my eyes to find him wrapped around me with 2 of my shirt buttons undone... Realised that the fancy pin with i used to hold my shirt together was on the bed and digging into my back... I saw RED... No, more like a kaleidoscope of crazy colours... Took a deep breath to calm myself, extricated myself completely from him and moved to the edge of the bed. It was around 4:30am and i was sleepy... Didn’t want to have a fight so, i said nothing... Just left the next morning but i knew that there was no way in hell i’d ever put myself in that position EVER again...
Now begs the question, can the opposite sex ever really be JUST friends? Is it really possible? Can we ever find a way to put all sexual thoughts aside and just be platonic friends? I guess not...
That is the reason why i said NO when ‘K’ (a guy i dated for 6months in 2007) asked that we be friends... I learned my lesson, thanks a lot... Thing is, if he doesn’t jump my bones, i might jump his someday. As they say, prevention is better than cure or like my Warri people will say ‘’provision store is better than kiosk’... I rest my case...
XXXX
Bee
Note: This wasn’t meant to hurt… Just speaking my mind…
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
FRESH START...
I just realized there is a difference between anger and rage... Anger means the strong feeling that you have when something has happened that you think is bad or unfair while Rage means a feeling of violent anger that is difficult to control.
I'd always thought that anger begets rage and boy, was i right... All i'd been feeling in a while was rage and i hope i'm finally spent. Until recently, the last time i've been this out of control was in 1996 when i fought with my brother... I hate feeling like this... I don't want to feel like this. I need to be the cool, calm, collected, always acts like a lady me... Unfortunately, things are spiralling out of control at the moment.
Why oh why do i have to let emotions take over me? I've always been the hard one. Now, it seems like i'm feeling too much. Way too much...
All these emotions that i never knew i could feel have now come out of nowhere to mess me up. I'm usually indifferent and until now, i didn't realize how lucky i was to be that way. I NEED ME BACK, right now!!! My younger siblings who live with me probably think i've gone quite mad!!!
I need help... It's official... I need a shrink... Can anyone tell me where i can find one in Lagos???
XXXX
Bee
I'd always thought that anger begets rage and boy, was i right... All i'd been feeling in a while was rage and i hope i'm finally spent. Until recently, the last time i've been this out of control was in 1996 when i fought with my brother... I hate feeling like this... I don't want to feel like this. I need to be the cool, calm, collected, always acts like a lady me... Unfortunately, things are spiralling out of control at the moment.
Why oh why do i have to let emotions take over me? I've always been the hard one. Now, it seems like i'm feeling too much. Way too much...
All these emotions that i never knew i could feel have now come out of nowhere to mess me up. I'm usually indifferent and until now, i didn't realize how lucky i was to be that way. I NEED ME BACK, right now!!! My younger siblings who live with me probably think i've gone quite mad!!!
I need help... It's official... I need a shrink... Can anyone tell me where i can find one in Lagos???
XXXX
Bee
Monday, March 15, 2010
LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX... part 2
I like my steak well done... No rare, medium or the like... I'm Nigerian and here, nobody eats food that isn't properly cooked. We'd rather not eat if there's no option of cooking it properly. The only thing i'll eat raw is salad (it's supposed to be) and sushi. Everything else needs to be well done...
It may seem like i'm talking a lot of rubbish but like i said, i've done the legwork... I know our society has a problem with women talking boldly about these things but the truth is, i've had my fair share of sex with men... Different men (if that makes you conclude i'm a slut, good for you)... I don't think anyone would believe me if i say that at less than 3months to 30, i've only had sex with 2men...
First time i had sex in my life, it was a horrific experience... Complete and absolute pain... I figured i was better of not doing it again ever but then i met someone... We dated a while before venturing in the bedroom department. I mean, dating for about 6months or so with no sex. The guy was frustrated, i was afraid... When we finally did, it was..... Still painful but i wanted to please him and i asked him how but he said nothing... Maybe he was shy, maybe he had no idea... To this day, i don't know and i probably never will because i don't know where he is now...
My first kiss was amazing... I was quite young and he was my friend... I'd gone to cut my hair (i carried it very short at the time) and he walked me there... When we were leaving, he suddenly pulled me under the stairs and kissed me. Boy, oh boy... My knees turned to jelly and i had no idea why. I just knew that when he finally let me go, i couldn't stand so i sat on the last rung for a few minutes to get myself together... After i left my man much later, i went to him because we were still friends and i figured since he could kiss really good, he'll probably be better... Unfortunately, he was a guy who 'wrote short stories' and we never could have sex. How do you have sex with a guy who cums in your hand 10seconds after you've started touching him?
Then i met ID... This guy was amazing... He taught me almost everything i know about sex (though i still don't know enough, i've found) and the sex was amazing... He could go on forever. He had a lot of tricks up his sleeves and everytime was different. He was a selfless lover and i could've stayed with him if he didn't have to leave to work abroad... I don't do long-distance, sorry...
When he left, i wanted another like him. I was sorely disappointed. As a matter of fact, i'm still searching...
I know, i know, our memories makes the past look better than it really was but this is one past that didn't change because i had sex with him again early last year and it was still the same if not better... My mind didn't re-touch that memory...
When i met The Brit a year later, i'd almost given up on good sex. In my mind, men were selfish and just didn't care about giving back as much pleasure as they recieve but in his case, it was not so... Nope, not at all. He was so good that even now, if i'm horny and i'm not dating, i call him and vice versa... With him, i fulfilled almost every fantasy i have (except 2 that i'll write about someday soon)... On the beach, shower, hotel balcony, office, chair... Name it, we did it... He has a very active imagination that wouldn't hurt other men to have and when he feels pleasure, he lets you know it... And that for me, is the best ever...
One of the men i almost married was terrible... Just terrible... First time we did it, it was a short story. I thought that happened because he'd been chasing me a long time and we'd been dating about a month before we did it but when it happened again the next time, i asked what the problem was. He said there was no problem and he enjoyed it... What? I couldn't believe it!!! Told him if he wanted to be with me, he had to step up his game. I wasn't going to be with a man who kisses me and does nothing else except cum when he's getting a BJ and decides that was it. No way in hell was that happening and i told him this point blank. When he realised i was serious, he asked what he could do... I took my time to teach him everything i knew including endurance. Unfortunately, he decided to share my hard work with others including the girl i caught him in bed with when i came in early from a trip...
After that, it just went downhill... There was the guy who liked rimming (anal licking for those who don't know) and of course i wasn't going to do that... The one who keeps pushing my head to his penis for a blowjob even though the hair he had down there was longer/fuller than what i had on my head at the time and the proffesor (another who wanted to marry me) who couldn't even kiss well to save his life. Sex with him was worse than imaginable... I couldn't even begin to imagine what life with him will be like...
There was one who always complained that i 'do not fuck him properly'... Why should i? When all you do is lie there and say 'baby, pls come on top' without bothering to get me in the mood... A perfunctionary kiss, a grope and then he reaches for a condom. Tried several times to tell him how to get me on but he got upset so, i left him.
I had one whose touch was painful and he had a habit of hitting my butt or kicking it. Whatever catches his fancy at the time... He kisses good but has no idea what to do with my nipples. Intercourse is like an exercise to him and he sweats all over me. The most annoying part was having him pour lubricant all over my vagina like that'll make up for not being able to get the juices flowing. It probably did for him but it wasn't working for me at all and i told him this several times... Decided to do to him what i'd like done to me. Kiss him all over, explore but he didn't get the message and i started getting in a bad mood everytime he tries to have sex with me so, i left him too...
I have a habit of leaving, i know... It's just i have no patience. Tried it once and it ended up badly so, i decided patience was not my thing. I've been accused of changing boyfriends every 3months but what am i to do?
I shouldn't be the only one moaning or the like. It's annoying having sex with a man who just lies there and looks at you moving up and down and round and round. It's a bit frustrating. I've heard men complain about women who lie just there and wiggle a little. Isn't that where the term 'cold fish' comes from? A friend once told me that she enjoys sex more when the man she's with lets her know that she's pleasing him and no, that doesn't include ''baby, you're sweet''.
Unfortunately for men, we've all gotten so good at faking orgasms that they can no longer tell. Another friend told me a couple weeks ago that she's tired of faking it, she would like to have it for real and the truth is, so would i... I'm really tired of bad sex, really... I need a man who's not afraid to talk to me, accept me the way i am as i will he and to give me good sex... I like to be touched... I like to cuddle... I like to give and recieve pleasure and if i'm not getting that, there's no point really...
What can i say? If i have to have it, it has to be well done...
XXXX
Bee
It may seem like i'm talking a lot of rubbish but like i said, i've done the legwork... I know our society has a problem with women talking boldly about these things but the truth is, i've had my fair share of sex with men... Different men (if that makes you conclude i'm a slut, good for you)... I don't think anyone would believe me if i say that at less than 3months to 30, i've only had sex with 2men...
First time i had sex in my life, it was a horrific experience... Complete and absolute pain... I figured i was better of not doing it again ever but then i met someone... We dated a while before venturing in the bedroom department. I mean, dating for about 6months or so with no sex. The guy was frustrated, i was afraid... When we finally did, it was..... Still painful but i wanted to please him and i asked him how but he said nothing... Maybe he was shy, maybe he had no idea... To this day, i don't know and i probably never will because i don't know where he is now...
My first kiss was amazing... I was quite young and he was my friend... I'd gone to cut my hair (i carried it very short at the time) and he walked me there... When we were leaving, he suddenly pulled me under the stairs and kissed me. Boy, oh boy... My knees turned to jelly and i had no idea why. I just knew that when he finally let me go, i couldn't stand so i sat on the last rung for a few minutes to get myself together... After i left my man much later, i went to him because we were still friends and i figured since he could kiss really good, he'll probably be better... Unfortunately, he was a guy who 'wrote short stories' and we never could have sex. How do you have sex with a guy who cums in your hand 10seconds after you've started touching him?
Then i met ID... This guy was amazing... He taught me almost everything i know about sex (though i still don't know enough, i've found) and the sex was amazing... He could go on forever. He had a lot of tricks up his sleeves and everytime was different. He was a selfless lover and i could've stayed with him if he didn't have to leave to work abroad... I don't do long-distance, sorry...
When he left, i wanted another like him. I was sorely disappointed. As a matter of fact, i'm still searching...
I know, i know, our memories makes the past look better than it really was but this is one past that didn't change because i had sex with him again early last year and it was still the same if not better... My mind didn't re-touch that memory...
When i met The Brit a year later, i'd almost given up on good sex. In my mind, men were selfish and just didn't care about giving back as much pleasure as they recieve but in his case, it was not so... Nope, not at all. He was so good that even now, if i'm horny and i'm not dating, i call him and vice versa... With him, i fulfilled almost every fantasy i have (except 2 that i'll write about someday soon)... On the beach, shower, hotel balcony, office, chair... Name it, we did it... He has a very active imagination that wouldn't hurt other men to have and when he feels pleasure, he lets you know it... And that for me, is the best ever...
One of the men i almost married was terrible... Just terrible... First time we did it, it was a short story. I thought that happened because he'd been chasing me a long time and we'd been dating about a month before we did it but when it happened again the next time, i asked what the problem was. He said there was no problem and he enjoyed it... What? I couldn't believe it!!! Told him if he wanted to be with me, he had to step up his game. I wasn't going to be with a man who kisses me and does nothing else except cum when he's getting a BJ and decides that was it. No way in hell was that happening and i told him this point blank. When he realised i was serious, he asked what he could do... I took my time to teach him everything i knew including endurance. Unfortunately, he decided to share my hard work with others including the girl i caught him in bed with when i came in early from a trip...
After that, it just went downhill... There was the guy who liked rimming (anal licking for those who don't know) and of course i wasn't going to do that... The one who keeps pushing my head to his penis for a blowjob even though the hair he had down there was longer/fuller than what i had on my head at the time and the proffesor (another who wanted to marry me) who couldn't even kiss well to save his life. Sex with him was worse than imaginable... I couldn't even begin to imagine what life with him will be like...
There was one who always complained that i 'do not fuck him properly'... Why should i? When all you do is lie there and say 'baby, pls come on top' without bothering to get me in the mood... A perfunctionary kiss, a grope and then he reaches for a condom. Tried several times to tell him how to get me on but he got upset so, i left him.
I had one whose touch was painful and he had a habit of hitting my butt or kicking it. Whatever catches his fancy at the time... He kisses good but has no idea what to do with my nipples. Intercourse is like an exercise to him and he sweats all over me. The most annoying part was having him pour lubricant all over my vagina like that'll make up for not being able to get the juices flowing. It probably did for him but it wasn't working for me at all and i told him this several times... Decided to do to him what i'd like done to me. Kiss him all over, explore but he didn't get the message and i started getting in a bad mood everytime he tries to have sex with me so, i left him too...
I have a habit of leaving, i know... It's just i have no patience. Tried it once and it ended up badly so, i decided patience was not my thing. I've been accused of changing boyfriends every 3months but what am i to do?
I shouldn't be the only one moaning or the like. It's annoying having sex with a man who just lies there and looks at you moving up and down and round and round. It's a bit frustrating. I've heard men complain about women who lie just there and wiggle a little. Isn't that where the term 'cold fish' comes from? A friend once told me that she enjoys sex more when the man she's with lets her know that she's pleasing him and no, that doesn't include ''baby, you're sweet''.
Unfortunately for men, we've all gotten so good at faking orgasms that they can no longer tell. Another friend told me a couple weeks ago that she's tired of faking it, she would like to have it for real and the truth is, so would i... I'm really tired of bad sex, really... I need a man who's not afraid to talk to me, accept me the way i am as i will he and to give me good sex... I like to be touched... I like to cuddle... I like to give and recieve pleasure and if i'm not getting that, there's no point really...
What can i say? If i have to have it, it has to be well done...
XXXX
Bee
Sunday, March 14, 2010
LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX... part 1
They were kissing in the living room and things were getting intense but he decided they should take things to the bedroom... She was hot for him... Dripping with love juice and was in a rush to get him naked. They fell in bed with clothes flying whichever way and underwear tangled around their legs... She wanted to give him pleasure... Kissing his neck, she went lower to his nipples, kissing still... Lower she went to his stomach, then lower and to the side nibbling... Wanting to taste him all over, she went lower still passing his nether regions to his thighs, legs, feet and back up again to his inner thigh till he was begging for more... She found him with her mouth while her hands were still exploring... Tasting, touching, licking, nibbling like a child would a lollipop... He screamed her name and told her ''babe, i want to pleasure you too'' then he pulled her up, dropped her on her back and reached into his nightstand.....
I am no longer having sex... I figure it's better to have no sex at all than have bad sex... It's been so long since my last orgasm that i'm unsure i'll know it if it walks up to me and gives me a very dirty slap right on my cheek.
What is going on with men these days? Is it that they spend so much time in the pursuit of money that they've forgotten how to enjoy simple pleasures or even return the favour? Maybe the problem is just the men i meet... Maybe not...
Now, there's something wrong with the scenerio above... What did he reach into his nighstand for? A condom... What? After all that? What about the girl? What's wrong with touching her too? Going down on her just like she did him? Some men say it's easier for a woman to give a man a blowjob that the other way round... I'm thinking, how do you know that? Have you tried to give a man one to back up that theory? Psssssssssssssssssssssssst....
The other day i was discussing it with some single girlfriends of mine and they all seem to be having the same issues... Why would a man want to have sex if his mind isn't in it? Better yet, why do they expect the woman to give when they won't give back? My girlfriends told me about some of the bad sex they've hard... They go from bad to very very painful... I was even given a few descriptions... Visual descriptions... I laughed till i almost fell of my bed.
There's the kind who is all toned... Obviously spends a lot of time in the gym just to look good naked. He has sex in front of the mirror while checking himself out... Some in this group do it like they are doing the last of the push-ups they couldn't get done at the gym.
Another is the one who has a penis that could pass for a lipstick vibrator (the kind some women i know keep in their purses) and would make a lot of noise about how size doesn't matter but it's how you use it that counts... They end up a huge disappointment in the sack and the only reason the girl doesn't tell him to stop is just so she's not the girl that left him with blue balls... She spends the whole time enduring the torture, worried that she might end up with bruises. When they're done, they look at her and ask... Babe, did you cum? What????? If she did you'd know, wouldn't you?
There's also the guy with the extra large penis who doesn't know what to do with his tool or his hands or even mouth for that matter. Leaving a girl with bruises and keeps going even when she try telling him it hurts... Afterwards, she's reduced to bathing her vagina with hot water to help relieve the pain and then end up not being able to wear jeans for several days to avoid abrasions...
Or is it the lazy guy who just cannot be bothered to man up and stay on top but asks the girl to be on top only for him to cum in exactly 22seconds? Oh, there's nothing wrong with the woman being on top but if she does that only for him to cum in that time, she'd have preffered he asked for a handjob or something...
There'a the group who'll go down on a woman only to bathe her with so much saliva or almost finish a can of lubricant inside, she'll feel so rotten that the sex will no longer be pleasurable no matter what the guy does... Why it has to be so wet, i have no idea... It's a vagina, not a pool...
Some guys just don't know where the clitoris is... Quoting Miranda from my favourite series sex and the city, 'it's my vagina, not the sphinx'... This practice really worries me... Pulling on the labia will not help you find it, all you have to do is ASK...
And what's with the squeezing of breasts like they are oranges? Or pulling hard on the nipples? We are women, our breasts get tender when we ovulate, have our periods or are pregnant... When we stay stop, we mean it... If we enjoy it, we won't push your hand away?
One thing a lot of men forget is that just as we're different, so are our tastes... If Jane likes getting her nipples bitten, doesn't mean that Alice would too... Just because 5women have told the man he's the best, he expects woman number 6 to say the same... In some cases, woman number 6 may have had better or her tastes may just be different. It doesn't mean the man is bad in bed, it just means that he needs to try to understand her body better... Or ASK her what she likes sexually...
I have had good, bad, downright rubbish, outrageous and absolutely delightful... I've even being with the kind who try to practice chilvary during sex... Trust me, i've done the legwork...
Unfortunately, this post will be too long if i write my personal experiences now... I'll do that tomorrow.....
XXXX
Bee
I am no longer having sex... I figure it's better to have no sex at all than have bad sex... It's been so long since my last orgasm that i'm unsure i'll know it if it walks up to me and gives me a very dirty slap right on my cheek.
What is going on with men these days? Is it that they spend so much time in the pursuit of money that they've forgotten how to enjoy simple pleasures or even return the favour? Maybe the problem is just the men i meet... Maybe not...
Now, there's something wrong with the scenerio above... What did he reach into his nighstand for? A condom... What? After all that? What about the girl? What's wrong with touching her too? Going down on her just like she did him? Some men say it's easier for a woman to give a man a blowjob that the other way round... I'm thinking, how do you know that? Have you tried to give a man one to back up that theory? Psssssssssssssssssssssssst....
The other day i was discussing it with some single girlfriends of mine and they all seem to be having the same issues... Why would a man want to have sex if his mind isn't in it? Better yet, why do they expect the woman to give when they won't give back? My girlfriends told me about some of the bad sex they've hard... They go from bad to very very painful... I was even given a few descriptions... Visual descriptions... I laughed till i almost fell of my bed.
There's the kind who is all toned... Obviously spends a lot of time in the gym just to look good naked. He has sex in front of the mirror while checking himself out... Some in this group do it like they are doing the last of the push-ups they couldn't get done at the gym.
Another is the one who has a penis that could pass for a lipstick vibrator (the kind some women i know keep in their purses) and would make a lot of noise about how size doesn't matter but it's how you use it that counts... They end up a huge disappointment in the sack and the only reason the girl doesn't tell him to stop is just so she's not the girl that left him with blue balls... She spends the whole time enduring the torture, worried that she might end up with bruises. When they're done, they look at her and ask... Babe, did you cum? What????? If she did you'd know, wouldn't you?
There's also the guy with the extra large penis who doesn't know what to do with his tool or his hands or even mouth for that matter. Leaving a girl with bruises and keeps going even when she try telling him it hurts... Afterwards, she's reduced to bathing her vagina with hot water to help relieve the pain and then end up not being able to wear jeans for several days to avoid abrasions...
Or is it the lazy guy who just cannot be bothered to man up and stay on top but asks the girl to be on top only for him to cum in exactly 22seconds? Oh, there's nothing wrong with the woman being on top but if she does that only for him to cum in that time, she'd have preffered he asked for a handjob or something...
There'a the group who'll go down on a woman only to bathe her with so much saliva or almost finish a can of lubricant inside, she'll feel so rotten that the sex will no longer be pleasurable no matter what the guy does... Why it has to be so wet, i have no idea... It's a vagina, not a pool...
Some guys just don't know where the clitoris is... Quoting Miranda from my favourite series sex and the city, 'it's my vagina, not the sphinx'... This practice really worries me... Pulling on the labia will not help you find it, all you have to do is ASK...
And what's with the squeezing of breasts like they are oranges? Or pulling hard on the nipples? We are women, our breasts get tender when we ovulate, have our periods or are pregnant... When we stay stop, we mean it... If we enjoy it, we won't push your hand away?
One thing a lot of men forget is that just as we're different, so are our tastes... If Jane likes getting her nipples bitten, doesn't mean that Alice would too... Just because 5women have told the man he's the best, he expects woman number 6 to say the same... In some cases, woman number 6 may have had better or her tastes may just be different. It doesn't mean the man is bad in bed, it just means that he needs to try to understand her body better... Or ASK her what she likes sexually...
I have had good, bad, downright rubbish, outrageous and absolutely delightful... I've even being with the kind who try to practice chilvary during sex... Trust me, i've done the legwork...
Unfortunately, this post will be too long if i write my personal experiences now... I'll do that tomorrow.....
XXXX
Bee
Saturday, March 13, 2010
DRUNK!!!!!
Last night was the night i got drunk..... I do not mean tipsy, no but drunk... I still can't believe that after all these years of alcoholic beverage consumption, this is the day i'd get drunk...
Yesterday, i woke up early and went to my friend's shop so we could go see the house she wants me to help her decorate. I'd stopped by the market before i got there to take care of some business... Making a dress for my sister's traditional marriage, buying pearls, the like... Then i spent quite some time waiting for her. It's hot as hell in Lagos and every second spent in the sun feels like 12mins... Finally got home about 5pm and immediately started making jewellery until 10pm when i took a shower, got dressed and went out to meet friends... Luckily, 'D' came with a cab (she didn't want to drive) and i decided to also skip driving and jump in with her and 'K' and my sis... That turned out to be a very good decision... There we were with a bottle of whisky, good music, about 12girls having a blast when i sat down to realise that my knees wouldn't co-operate the next time i tried to stand up. D suggested we leave and i was thankful... The headache started in the cab and it just went downhill from there... I slept in the cab all the way home after sticking my finger down my throat while waiting outside were D went to buy some food... I needed to rid myself of some of the alcohol... Took my shoes off in the cab, walked into the house and took off my earrings, bracelet and wristwatch and that was the last thing i remembered... When i opened my eyes, i felt a tightness around my waist and that was when i realised that my belt was still on... What really woke me up was heat... The generator had been turned off as it was 10am and the leather look pants i had on were making me sweat... My mouth felt like there was a ball of cotton wool in it and my head felt like there were a few dozen devils marching around in there... It wasn't a good feeling.
Before i got drunk, it was real fun at auto lounge where we were... The decor had been altered a little to incorporate a really sexy black leather bed... First thing i did when i walked in was to go lie on it and D followed suit until a bouncer came to tell her that she had to take off her heels so as not to punch holes in the leather... 'These shoes are more expensive than that bed' she told him... I had to laugh... D and her shoes!!! Could have been more fun if i hadn't gotten drunk but i'm glad i didn't completely embarrass myself in public... Guess i could say it serves me right for drinking on an empty stomach... I have now decided to stay away from alcohol for some time. It wouldn't do well to be the one who gets drunk everyday...
XXXX
Bee
Yesterday, i woke up early and went to my friend's shop so we could go see the house she wants me to help her decorate. I'd stopped by the market before i got there to take care of some business... Making a dress for my sister's traditional marriage, buying pearls, the like... Then i spent quite some time waiting for her. It's hot as hell in Lagos and every second spent in the sun feels like 12mins... Finally got home about 5pm and immediately started making jewellery until 10pm when i took a shower, got dressed and went out to meet friends... Luckily, 'D' came with a cab (she didn't want to drive) and i decided to also skip driving and jump in with her and 'K' and my sis... That turned out to be a very good decision... There we were with a bottle of whisky, good music, about 12girls having a blast when i sat down to realise that my knees wouldn't co-operate the next time i tried to stand up. D suggested we leave and i was thankful... The headache started in the cab and it just went downhill from there... I slept in the cab all the way home after sticking my finger down my throat while waiting outside were D went to buy some food... I needed to rid myself of some of the alcohol... Took my shoes off in the cab, walked into the house and took off my earrings, bracelet and wristwatch and that was the last thing i remembered... When i opened my eyes, i felt a tightness around my waist and that was when i realised that my belt was still on... What really woke me up was heat... The generator had been turned off as it was 10am and the leather look pants i had on were making me sweat... My mouth felt like there was a ball of cotton wool in it and my head felt like there were a few dozen devils marching around in there... It wasn't a good feeling.
Before i got drunk, it was real fun at auto lounge where we were... The decor had been altered a little to incorporate a really sexy black leather bed... First thing i did when i walked in was to go lie on it and D followed suit until a bouncer came to tell her that she had to take off her heels so as not to punch holes in the leather... 'These shoes are more expensive than that bed' she told him... I had to laugh... D and her shoes!!! Could have been more fun if i hadn't gotten drunk but i'm glad i didn't completely embarrass myself in public... Guess i could say it serves me right for drinking on an empty stomach... I have now decided to stay away from alcohol for some time. It wouldn't do well to be the one who gets drunk everyday...
XXXX
Bee
Thursday, March 11, 2010
TO DO... OR NOT TO DO???
Yesterday, i met someone whose girlfriend of 11years just broke up with him... What they were both doing for 11years beats the hell out of me.
This whole dating business is really funny. When i’ve decided i no longer want to date but just go with the flow, i now start getting chased all over the place by guys who think i’ll make a good girlfriend... I wonder where they’ve been in the last 2years...
All of a sudden i’m meeting guys whose age match mine and who are comfortable in their own right. Before now, i only ever met guys who were younger than i am, broke and have a confused image of me... Because i am who i am, i decided to take a step back and watch other people go about the business of dating but not get involved... For someone’s who’s been dating for almost 14years, it’s a hell of a set back... Next year, I’ll probably echo Charlotte of ‘sex and the city’ who said... ‘’I’ve been dating for 15years, where is he’’ or maybe not, there’s time yet.
In exactly 3months and 2days, i’ll turn 30... How i feel about that, i have no idea yet but we’ll see... I’ve passed the point in my life where i can date a guy for another 5years or so before the relationship is defined... I certainly am not going to date someone who just got out of an 11year relationship... That’ll be dating suicide... Dead before beginning... In his eyes at the moment, every girl is the same as the girl that just left him. Last thing i want to be is anyone’s re-bound, heaven forbid that should happen...
Sex on the other hand, is something entirely different... There’s a reason coupling is divided into 2. Sex and making love... In my opinion, love making is for people in love while sex, is for people who just want to scratch an itch... Now, i have an itch that needs scratching... Since the bloke was so fine, i thought, why not with him? Unfortunately, he’s small... When i say small, i mean small or like he said, average... I understood why his girlfriend left him the minute i was introduced to his penis... Ahhh... not for me... I kinda prefer my man errmmm..... longer??? He doesn’t have to be porn star big but big enough to scratch the itch because it never itches on the surface and if all i’m satisfied with is oral sex, i’ll consider becoming a lesbian... And what’s the deal with some guys? You lean in for a kiss, i get closer with my eyes half-closed only to get your tongue all over my face and having to wipe your saliva off my face... Christ... That’s my friend’s definition of kissing like a fish... If i wanted saliva all over my face, i know where to get some... Hello, i also have salivary glands...
I left... but while taking a nap this afternoon, he called to ask me out to dinner. I didn’t think he’d do that, considering i told him he was too small for me but what do i know? He’s probably considering a penile enlargement but i would never really know now, would i? Unfortunately, i had to turn dinner down because i’ve had a hankering for yam and vegetables for 3days and had just sent my younger brother out for the ingredients to prepare it when he called... Ended up agreeing to drinks for much later... Nothing wrong with having a drink... It’s safe, doesn’t involve a bedroom and i’d have no reason to be rude... I have decided that he’ll be a good friend. I’ll introduce him to a virgin if i meet one of those because they’re the only ones who wouldn’t mind being with a guy with a small ‘willy’... After all, they don’t have any prior experience...
XXXX
Bee
This whole dating business is really funny. When i’ve decided i no longer want to date but just go with the flow, i now start getting chased all over the place by guys who think i’ll make a good girlfriend... I wonder where they’ve been in the last 2years...
All of a sudden i’m meeting guys whose age match mine and who are comfortable in their own right. Before now, i only ever met guys who were younger than i am, broke and have a confused image of me... Because i am who i am, i decided to take a step back and watch other people go about the business of dating but not get involved... For someone’s who’s been dating for almost 14years, it’s a hell of a set back... Next year, I’ll probably echo Charlotte of ‘sex and the city’ who said... ‘’I’ve been dating for 15years, where is he’’ or maybe not, there’s time yet.
In exactly 3months and 2days, i’ll turn 30... How i feel about that, i have no idea yet but we’ll see... I’ve passed the point in my life where i can date a guy for another 5years or so before the relationship is defined... I certainly am not going to date someone who just got out of an 11year relationship... That’ll be dating suicide... Dead before beginning... In his eyes at the moment, every girl is the same as the girl that just left him. Last thing i want to be is anyone’s re-bound, heaven forbid that should happen...
Sex on the other hand, is something entirely different... There’s a reason coupling is divided into 2. Sex and making love... In my opinion, love making is for people in love while sex, is for people who just want to scratch an itch... Now, i have an itch that needs scratching... Since the bloke was so fine, i thought, why not with him? Unfortunately, he’s small... When i say small, i mean small or like he said, average... I understood why his girlfriend left him the minute i was introduced to his penis... Ahhh... not for me... I kinda prefer my man errmmm..... longer??? He doesn’t have to be porn star big but big enough to scratch the itch because it never itches on the surface and if all i’m satisfied with is oral sex, i’ll consider becoming a lesbian... And what’s the deal with some guys? You lean in for a kiss, i get closer with my eyes half-closed only to get your tongue all over my face and having to wipe your saliva off my face... Christ... That’s my friend’s definition of kissing like a fish... If i wanted saliva all over my face, i know where to get some... Hello, i also have salivary glands...
I left... but while taking a nap this afternoon, he called to ask me out to dinner. I didn’t think he’d do that, considering i told him he was too small for me but what do i know? He’s probably considering a penile enlargement but i would never really know now, would i? Unfortunately, i had to turn dinner down because i’ve had a hankering for yam and vegetables for 3days and had just sent my younger brother out for the ingredients to prepare it when he called... Ended up agreeing to drinks for much later... Nothing wrong with having a drink... It’s safe, doesn’t involve a bedroom and i’d have no reason to be rude... I have decided that he’ll be a good friend. I’ll introduce him to a virgin if i meet one of those because they’re the only ones who wouldn’t mind being with a guy with a small ‘willy’... After all, they don’t have any prior experience...
XXXX
Bee
Sunday, March 7, 2010
HE SAYS... SHE SAYS...
I always thought that gossip was a female thing... No, scrap that... Men always say that gossip is a female thing and that it's all women spend their time doing... What they didn't say is that many men do it too... They hide this from us so we do not call them ''Woman Wrapper'', the popular term used in Nigeria to describe men who behave like women... It's really sad when a man gets involved in women's ''that one told me u said that i told u she said'' issues... It sounds really silly when repeated and that's why i've been doing my best to avoid said issues...
So, i found myself on the recieving end of that bullet today... As a matter of fact, i got 2 bullets from the same person withing 3days and i'm sure you guessed correctly that it was a man, yes a man... The idiot who thinks he's way above everything and has these grand delusions about himself... The idiot i refer to as Button (of course, not his real name)...
Why he does that, i have no idea but it seems like he was starved of attention as a child so, he goes all out trying to get the attention he didn't get from his mother. Unfortunately for him, i'm not his mother and i have no time to humour idiots... If i didn't know he was a born liar, i may have but i know him for what he is... A pathological liar who weaves elaborate tales about himself in the hopes that someone would believe his stories...
What'd he do? He said someone said something then when he was confronted, he got aggressive and when he was ignored, he started whining and saying more bullshit...
After he insulted me yesterday, i sent him a text to say ''thanks for insulting me... yet again'' and i got over 8 insulting 3-in-1 text messages... Some were sent while i was still in church and i saw them when i came out. In one of them, he said an old friend of mine ''L'' told him i was a street girl and i stay online 24/7 looking for white men to sleep with for peanuts... I called this girl and she almost started crying... Told me she hadn't seen him in a really long time and she didn't know why he'd say something like that... Mind, this girl is a celebrity who's married with a child and usually very busy. I didn't believe for a minute she said anything like that to him but i just wanted to find out if she's been seeing him and if she was, for her to know the kind of person he was... She said she knew as we were still very close at the time i dated the goat but i still forwarded said message to her so she could read his words for herself...
Seems like he, like some other men i've seen see the word ''prostitute'' as the only weapon to attack a woman... Can they not think of other insults? Why do they do this? Why does he do this? He says i suffer from complexional delusions and chaotic depression and i need to see a shrink to fix me but he forgot to take a look at himself... He who tells so many lies that he starts believing them isn't delusional but i, who doesn't even bother with stories... When i broke up with him about 9years ago, he stood outside my house (where i'd pushed him) and rained insults on me till he ran out of steam... After all these years, he still can't handle rejection like a man...
My friend 'G' said to me after he left yesterday ''you sure do know how to pick them'' and that made me come to a realization... There's nothing wrong with my head... The only problem i have is my choice in men...
I'd spent a long time wondering if i had a serious poblem but i do not... I'm just someone who has pride and will not take insults of any kind from anyone... I'm sensitive and anyone i'm with who cannot understand that that's the way i am, need not bother with me because his insensitivity will only lead to resentment on my part... Besides, i have no time to stroke anyone's oversized ego... I am a wonderful person and anyone who's patient enough to take their time to get to know me, will find the diamond within...
As for me, i'm taking a break from men and concentrating on my career... Trying to be part of a couple is frustrating business and i've just about had it...
XXXX
Bee
So, i found myself on the recieving end of that bullet today... As a matter of fact, i got 2 bullets from the same person withing 3days and i'm sure you guessed correctly that it was a man, yes a man... The idiot who thinks he's way above everything and has these grand delusions about himself... The idiot i refer to as Button (of course, not his real name)...
Why he does that, i have no idea but it seems like he was starved of attention as a child so, he goes all out trying to get the attention he didn't get from his mother. Unfortunately for him, i'm not his mother and i have no time to humour idiots... If i didn't know he was a born liar, i may have but i know him for what he is... A pathological liar who weaves elaborate tales about himself in the hopes that someone would believe his stories...
What'd he do? He said someone said something then when he was confronted, he got aggressive and when he was ignored, he started whining and saying more bullshit...
After he insulted me yesterday, i sent him a text to say ''thanks for insulting me... yet again'' and i got over 8 insulting 3-in-1 text messages... Some were sent while i was still in church and i saw them when i came out. In one of them, he said an old friend of mine ''L'' told him i was a street girl and i stay online 24/7 looking for white men to sleep with for peanuts... I called this girl and she almost started crying... Told me she hadn't seen him in a really long time and she didn't know why he'd say something like that... Mind, this girl is a celebrity who's married with a child and usually very busy. I didn't believe for a minute she said anything like that to him but i just wanted to find out if she's been seeing him and if she was, for her to know the kind of person he was... She said she knew as we were still very close at the time i dated the goat but i still forwarded said message to her so she could read his words for herself...
Seems like he, like some other men i've seen see the word ''prostitute'' as the only weapon to attack a woman... Can they not think of other insults? Why do they do this? Why does he do this? He says i suffer from complexional delusions and chaotic depression and i need to see a shrink to fix me but he forgot to take a look at himself... He who tells so many lies that he starts believing them isn't delusional but i, who doesn't even bother with stories... When i broke up with him about 9years ago, he stood outside my house (where i'd pushed him) and rained insults on me till he ran out of steam... After all these years, he still can't handle rejection like a man...
My friend 'G' said to me after he left yesterday ''you sure do know how to pick them'' and that made me come to a realization... There's nothing wrong with my head... The only problem i have is my choice in men...
I'd spent a long time wondering if i had a serious poblem but i do not... I'm just someone who has pride and will not take insults of any kind from anyone... I'm sensitive and anyone i'm with who cannot understand that that's the way i am, need not bother with me because his insensitivity will only lead to resentment on my part... Besides, i have no time to stroke anyone's oversized ego... I am a wonderful person and anyone who's patient enough to take their time to get to know me, will find the diamond within...
As for me, i'm taking a break from men and concentrating on my career... Trying to be part of a couple is frustrating business and i've just about had it...
XXXX
Bee
Saturday, March 6, 2010
THE SEARCH...
Where is thine face? Oh, where is it?
Turned away from me like a person does blinding sun...
Like a person lost i search, search for it.
Trying to find that will i once had
Hoping it’ll find me if i don’t find it first...
Lost, like one on the high waters with no compass...
Find me, i pray thee...
I don’t want to be
Lost.....
Sometimes when we know our failures, the last thing we want is to be reminded of them... At the moment, i know where i have failed and believe me, my everyday life is reminder enough. Having someone throw it in my face is just devastating... That idiot Button, did that today and i’m still more than a little peeved...
I guess it was my fault... I brought it down on my own head and i have no one to blame but myself. I wouldn’t even think to blame him anyway... After all the insults he rained on me last week, i don’t know why i thought anything could change... I called him 2days later to let him know how i felt about the things he said to me hoping for an apology but i got none. Instead, he started trying to explain why he did what he did and trying to get himself out of saying the words ‘i’m sorry’... Ran out of credits while talking to him but when he didn’t call back, i thought that was that...
Now, my girlfriend ‘G’ came over yesterday to spend the weekend and i had plans to take her out... While i was cooking, Button called to ask me if i wanted to go see a movie with him and i told him i already had plans to go out with my friend... We went out, had a lot of fun and got very drunk... Even ran into ‘Dave’ while out and spoke to him for a few minutes before giving him a kiss and sending him on his merry way... I was taking a nap this afternoon when Button rang me to ask where i was. Told him i was home, asleep... About 15mins later, someone started shaking me awake. Woke up to find him standing there in my bedroom and his friend (whom he came with) was sitting in the living room looking at me... I was disoriented so, i said hello and walked outside to my tiny balcony to get some air (there was no light)... After standing there for several minutes, i called him out and started trying to make him understand that all i wanted from him was friendship... He didn’t even let me finish but started talking... I kept quiet and listened but had to tell him to shut it when i couldn’t take it anymore... The things that stood out out of everything he said were ‘’u’re 30 and i’m 35, we are past that stage in our lives where we play games’’ ‘’you are old enough to know what you want, yet you don’t’’ ‘’i have passed that stage where i surround myself with people who have trouble paying their rent, all my friends are well off like me’’... There were other stuff said but this will do...
Why, oh why did he feel the need to remind me of my age? Did he think i didn’t know it? What has being 30 got to do with the price of petrol? And games? Playing games? Oh please..... Contrary to what he thinks, i do know what i want... Unfortunately for him, it’s not him or anyone like him... Then, what was that about people who can’t pay their rent? I should’ve known better than to tell a former gigolo that i have money issues... How soon we forget? He seems to have forgotten that when we were dating, i was the one who he came to when he has money trouble and i always, always helped him out. It’s not like i’ve ever asked the idiot for money... Psssssssssssssssssst.
I know that i have failed in my career and in my personal life... Made mistakes... Biggest of them was closing down my shops... If i hadn’t done that, i wouldn’t have trouble taking care of my business but i already did that... There’s no use crying over spilled milk... I recognised me failure and i’m moving away from it with the hope of finding fulfilment somehow... It’ll be nice to know that i won’t fail again but seeing someone who constantly reminds me of how i failed in my life isn’t something i need. Better to kick their ass to the gutter because the curb is too close to my road...
So, i’ll keep searching for my will which i seem to have lost somehow with the hope that i find it or it finds me, whichever happens first...
XXXX
Bee
Turned away from me like a person does blinding sun...
Like a person lost i search, search for it.
Trying to find that will i once had
Hoping it’ll find me if i don’t find it first...
Lost, like one on the high waters with no compass...
Find me, i pray thee...
I don’t want to be
Lost.....
Sometimes when we know our failures, the last thing we want is to be reminded of them... At the moment, i know where i have failed and believe me, my everyday life is reminder enough. Having someone throw it in my face is just devastating... That idiot Button, did that today and i’m still more than a little peeved...
I guess it was my fault... I brought it down on my own head and i have no one to blame but myself. I wouldn’t even think to blame him anyway... After all the insults he rained on me last week, i don’t know why i thought anything could change... I called him 2days later to let him know how i felt about the things he said to me hoping for an apology but i got none. Instead, he started trying to explain why he did what he did and trying to get himself out of saying the words ‘i’m sorry’... Ran out of credits while talking to him but when he didn’t call back, i thought that was that...
Now, my girlfriend ‘G’ came over yesterday to spend the weekend and i had plans to take her out... While i was cooking, Button called to ask me if i wanted to go see a movie with him and i told him i already had plans to go out with my friend... We went out, had a lot of fun and got very drunk... Even ran into ‘Dave’ while out and spoke to him for a few minutes before giving him a kiss and sending him on his merry way... I was taking a nap this afternoon when Button rang me to ask where i was. Told him i was home, asleep... About 15mins later, someone started shaking me awake. Woke up to find him standing there in my bedroom and his friend (whom he came with) was sitting in the living room looking at me... I was disoriented so, i said hello and walked outside to my tiny balcony to get some air (there was no light)... After standing there for several minutes, i called him out and started trying to make him understand that all i wanted from him was friendship... He didn’t even let me finish but started talking... I kept quiet and listened but had to tell him to shut it when i couldn’t take it anymore... The things that stood out out of everything he said were ‘’u’re 30 and i’m 35, we are past that stage in our lives where we play games’’ ‘’you are old enough to know what you want, yet you don’t’’ ‘’i have passed that stage where i surround myself with people who have trouble paying their rent, all my friends are well off like me’’... There were other stuff said but this will do...
Why, oh why did he feel the need to remind me of my age? Did he think i didn’t know it? What has being 30 got to do with the price of petrol? And games? Playing games? Oh please..... Contrary to what he thinks, i do know what i want... Unfortunately for him, it’s not him or anyone like him... Then, what was that about people who can’t pay their rent? I should’ve known better than to tell a former gigolo that i have money issues... How soon we forget? He seems to have forgotten that when we were dating, i was the one who he came to when he has money trouble and i always, always helped him out. It’s not like i’ve ever asked the idiot for money... Psssssssssssssssssst.
I know that i have failed in my career and in my personal life... Made mistakes... Biggest of them was closing down my shops... If i hadn’t done that, i wouldn’t have trouble taking care of my business but i already did that... There’s no use crying over spilled milk... I recognised me failure and i’m moving away from it with the hope of finding fulfilment somehow... It’ll be nice to know that i won’t fail again but seeing someone who constantly reminds me of how i failed in my life isn’t something i need. Better to kick their ass to the gutter because the curb is too close to my road...
So, i’ll keep searching for my will which i seem to have lost somehow with the hope that i find it or it finds me, whichever happens first...
XXXX
Bee
Monday, March 1, 2010
LOVE... WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
Oxford dictionary meaning of Love:AFFECTION 1 a strong feeling of deep afftection for something/someone, especially a member of your family or a friend. ROMANTIC 2 a strong feeling of affection for somebody that you are sexually attracted to. ENJOYMENT 3 the strong feeling of enjoyment that something gives you. SB/STH YOU LIKE 4 a person, a thing or an activity that you like very much. FRIENDLY NAME 5 a word used as a friendly way of addressing somebody. IN TENNIS 6 a score of zero...
Okay, the last explanation is not valid... It was just for laughs... There are several other meanings but it all boils down to one thing... Deep affection.
So, why does a word with so simple a meaning constitute a lot of trouble to the human race? We all go round and round looking for a deeper meaning to the word but the truth is, it can't be found because it just that... A simple word with a simple meaning...
A very good friend of mine asked me a question today with the intention of making me bother my beautiful head thinking about it... The hows and the whys... He succeeded because since he asked the question, it's all i can think about... I've answered, discarded the answers and then came up with other explanations and so forth but the truth is, i can't really answer his question... What was the question? Here it is... 'why is it so easy to fall in love but hard to stay in love?'
I thought and thought and thought about it but couldn't come up with an answer that really made sense. Decided to rest on this conclusion... It is in human nature to be fickle. I know the saying goes that 'there's no one as fickle as a fag' but the truth is, fags aren't the only ones who are fickle... All humans are... We decide we want something and the moment we get it, we decide we want something else then, walk away from the first one we got that we thought we really wanted... How's that for starters? There's also the dis-satisfaction with everything/everyone that's not the way we expect them to be... Too many expectations are usually detrimental to emotions... Even computers that can be programmed to one's desires tend to mess up after a while much less human beings who have their own thought process...
Another friend of mine told me once that she wished men came with operation manuals... I laughed the first time she said it but after much thought, i had to agree with her... Don't we all wish that there were windows to other people's souls so we can see the way their minds work? It'll be nice to know what the other is thinking as every point but like everything in life, there are pros and cons hence the necessity of lies... Truth is, we can not all handle the truth, the ugly truth. Sometimes we prefer to believe a lie than to hear the God's honest truth of a situation or one's self...
I read somewhere sometime ago (can't remember where, i read too much) that women spend their whole lives looking for 'Mr Perfect' but when they find him, they proceed to try to change him beyond recognition... I thought this was wrong but because of the kind of person i am who's never satisfied until 100% sure, i decided to investigate... Turned out that whoever wrote that was on the mark. Many women i know keep trying to change their men into an idea they've either read somewhere or imagined. It was a humbling discovery and i couldn't believe how right the person who wrote that was...
On the question of love, i see it happen everyday... People fall in and out of love on a daily basis. I always wondered how someone could say they were madly in love with another person today then 3yrs down the line, they decide they love someone else and cannot abide the one they were 'madly' in love with earlier... This is really hard for me to deal with because in my own case, i've only ever really been in love once in my life and almost 11years later, i still love him as much as i did the first time i realised i had fallen in love with him. Don't get me wrong, there are times when he drives me nuts but that has never made me fall out of love with him... In my theory, once you fall in love with a person or a thing, you'll always love them but that is my POV... Everyone's got theirs...
Over the years, truth be told, i've loved but have i been in love again? No... And that's not for lack of trying... I only stopped trying when i realised that one cannot make one's self fall in love, it happens naturally...
I believe there's a difference between 'loving' and 'being in love' with something or someone... For instance, i fell in love with Alicia Keys' music when i heard her first album 'songs in A minor' and i still am even now with her new Album 'Element of Freedom' and all the others in between... I love Ella Fitzgerald but i wouldn't always listen to her songs like i do Alicia Keys... This might not make sense to other people but it does to me...
Wherefore i say, go ye out and don't be afraid to fall in love and stay in love... It's better to fall in love with the real than the imagined... Don't fall in love with what someone represents, the image you have of them or an idea that came about in you head but do so for who the person is... That way, there are no surprises...
XXXX
Bee
Okay, the last explanation is not valid... It was just for laughs... There are several other meanings but it all boils down to one thing... Deep affection.
So, why does a word with so simple a meaning constitute a lot of trouble to the human race? We all go round and round looking for a deeper meaning to the word but the truth is, it can't be found because it just that... A simple word with a simple meaning...
A very good friend of mine asked me a question today with the intention of making me bother my beautiful head thinking about it... The hows and the whys... He succeeded because since he asked the question, it's all i can think about... I've answered, discarded the answers and then came up with other explanations and so forth but the truth is, i can't really answer his question... What was the question? Here it is... 'why is it so easy to fall in love but hard to stay in love?'
I thought and thought and thought about it but couldn't come up with an answer that really made sense. Decided to rest on this conclusion... It is in human nature to be fickle. I know the saying goes that 'there's no one as fickle as a fag' but the truth is, fags aren't the only ones who are fickle... All humans are... We decide we want something and the moment we get it, we decide we want something else then, walk away from the first one we got that we thought we really wanted... How's that for starters? There's also the dis-satisfaction with everything/everyone that's not the way we expect them to be... Too many expectations are usually detrimental to emotions... Even computers that can be programmed to one's desires tend to mess up after a while much less human beings who have their own thought process...
Another friend of mine told me once that she wished men came with operation manuals... I laughed the first time she said it but after much thought, i had to agree with her... Don't we all wish that there were windows to other people's souls so we can see the way their minds work? It'll be nice to know what the other is thinking as every point but like everything in life, there are pros and cons hence the necessity of lies... Truth is, we can not all handle the truth, the ugly truth. Sometimes we prefer to believe a lie than to hear the God's honest truth of a situation or one's self...
I read somewhere sometime ago (can't remember where, i read too much) that women spend their whole lives looking for 'Mr Perfect' but when they find him, they proceed to try to change him beyond recognition... I thought this was wrong but because of the kind of person i am who's never satisfied until 100% sure, i decided to investigate... Turned out that whoever wrote that was on the mark. Many women i know keep trying to change their men into an idea they've either read somewhere or imagined. It was a humbling discovery and i couldn't believe how right the person who wrote that was...
On the question of love, i see it happen everyday... People fall in and out of love on a daily basis. I always wondered how someone could say they were madly in love with another person today then 3yrs down the line, they decide they love someone else and cannot abide the one they were 'madly' in love with earlier... This is really hard for me to deal with because in my own case, i've only ever really been in love once in my life and almost 11years later, i still love him as much as i did the first time i realised i had fallen in love with him. Don't get me wrong, there are times when he drives me nuts but that has never made me fall out of love with him... In my theory, once you fall in love with a person or a thing, you'll always love them but that is my POV... Everyone's got theirs...
Over the years, truth be told, i've loved but have i been in love again? No... And that's not for lack of trying... I only stopped trying when i realised that one cannot make one's self fall in love, it happens naturally...
I believe there's a difference between 'loving' and 'being in love' with something or someone... For instance, i fell in love with Alicia Keys' music when i heard her first album 'songs in A minor' and i still am even now with her new Album 'Element of Freedom' and all the others in between... I love Ella Fitzgerald but i wouldn't always listen to her songs like i do Alicia Keys... This might not make sense to other people but it does to me...
Wherefore i say, go ye out and don't be afraid to fall in love and stay in love... It's better to fall in love with the real than the imagined... Don't fall in love with what someone represents, the image you have of them or an idea that came about in you head but do so for who the person is... That way, there are no surprises...
XXXX
Bee
Saturday, February 27, 2010
HE/SHE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU
Men expect us to keep our escapades to ourselves and we do that to either humour them or to have them become ours... Why we do, i have no idea but i hope to find out someday...
Just because we are women doesn't mean that we do not do the same things men do. For instance, i know a lot of women who have had one night stands just for the hell of it. Also, there's been a few stories over the years of some women i know who go out and see a guy waving to them across the room but cannot remember them at all only to later find that he was someone she's had sex with once upon a time... Uh Ohh
I've had my share of one night stands, flings and whatever... I will not, just i've never, pretend to be something other than who i am... Believe me, i get propositioned on a daily basis by not just one but many men... I keep thinking that if i sleep with every man who wants to sleep with me, i'd have had sex with thousands of men by now...
Not so long ago, someone tried to hook me up with a guy... Thought he was a regular bloke until i got there to find he was an old man who used to be a senator or something like that... He was really into me but i wasn't feeling him at all and i made this known to him. He had kids that were almost my age and wasn't even ashamed to say this to me... While i was sitting there thinking of a way to leave without being rude, he switched the TV channel to porn and started watching it with his equally OLD friends... I was disgusted to say the least! Now, i don't have a problem with anyone who watches porn as long as i don't have to watch it with them... The sight of two or three people having sex on TV is a little disturbing and makes me uncomfortable... Having them watch it is one thing but doing so on a 50inch TV screen??? Come on man...
Had to make some flimsy excuse just so i could leave but he would have none of it... He took my phone and car keys when i went to the bathroom and wouldn't give them back. I ended up staying the night at his oversized house... Decided to pass the rest of the night browsing the internet until he finally gave me back my phone and keys at 5am!!! I refused to have sex with him... I'm sure that pissed him off to no end...
Yesterday, i started thinking that i needed to get a backer for my business and decided to call him (amongst others) to see if he'd like to invest in me but the man didn't even remember me... WHAT??? I was really surprised because i thought i made some kind of impression on him. Obviously not... I hung up as i hate having to explain who i was to anyone over the phone... If you do not remember me, there's no need to talk to you...
That got me wondering how many girls he's seen or slept with in the time since i met him... I guess refusing to sleep with him was one of the best decisions i've made in a while... I'm not interested in being anyone's prostitute! Thanks a lot... Now, don't get me wrong... I've been given gifts by some of the men i've dated in my life but the idea of sleeping with someone, anyone just for money makes my stomach turn... I have this theory: If i can't fuck you for free, i won't fuck you for money... That's just it... Why would i want to lay with a man who's only attraction for me is the money or whatever other material thing i can get from him??? Even the men i've dated that like to give me gifts are men i like... If i stop liking them for whatever reason, i break things off...
I have this friend (whom i met online) that i talk to on the yahoo chat almost every night... From what i can see from his photographs, he's a fine one but i'm not attracted to him in a any way. When he contacted me, he told me that all he wanted was friendship and i thought 'cool' and told him same but last night while talking to him, he started singing a different tune calling me baby and wanting to talk about sex. I refused to do so and he got sulky... Had to remind him about what he said when we first started talking... He said he'd changed his mind and can't help thinking about kissing me... Man, i just logged out... He called today while i was making my hair and said something about telling them to make my hair look beautiful for when i meet him... Had to tell him i wasn't that into him. I'm sure he was pissed off because he hung up immediately. Good riddance...
Some people just don't get it, do they? Just because i like talking to you doesn't mean i want to sleep with you and vice versa.....
XXXX
Bee
Just because we are women doesn't mean that we do not do the same things men do. For instance, i know a lot of women who have had one night stands just for the hell of it. Also, there's been a few stories over the years of some women i know who go out and see a guy waving to them across the room but cannot remember them at all only to later find that he was someone she's had sex with once upon a time... Uh Ohh
I've had my share of one night stands, flings and whatever... I will not, just i've never, pretend to be something other than who i am... Believe me, i get propositioned on a daily basis by not just one but many men... I keep thinking that if i sleep with every man who wants to sleep with me, i'd have had sex with thousands of men by now...
Not so long ago, someone tried to hook me up with a guy... Thought he was a regular bloke until i got there to find he was an old man who used to be a senator or something like that... He was really into me but i wasn't feeling him at all and i made this known to him. He had kids that were almost my age and wasn't even ashamed to say this to me... While i was sitting there thinking of a way to leave without being rude, he switched the TV channel to porn and started watching it with his equally OLD friends... I was disgusted to say the least! Now, i don't have a problem with anyone who watches porn as long as i don't have to watch it with them... The sight of two or three people having sex on TV is a little disturbing and makes me uncomfortable... Having them watch it is one thing but doing so on a 50inch TV screen??? Come on man...
Had to make some flimsy excuse just so i could leave but he would have none of it... He took my phone and car keys when i went to the bathroom and wouldn't give them back. I ended up staying the night at his oversized house... Decided to pass the rest of the night browsing the internet until he finally gave me back my phone and keys at 5am!!! I refused to have sex with him... I'm sure that pissed him off to no end...
Yesterday, i started thinking that i needed to get a backer for my business and decided to call him (amongst others) to see if he'd like to invest in me but the man didn't even remember me... WHAT??? I was really surprised because i thought i made some kind of impression on him. Obviously not... I hung up as i hate having to explain who i was to anyone over the phone... If you do not remember me, there's no need to talk to you...
That got me wondering how many girls he's seen or slept with in the time since i met him... I guess refusing to sleep with him was one of the best decisions i've made in a while... I'm not interested in being anyone's prostitute! Thanks a lot... Now, don't get me wrong... I've been given gifts by some of the men i've dated in my life but the idea of sleeping with someone, anyone just for money makes my stomach turn... I have this theory: If i can't fuck you for free, i won't fuck you for money... That's just it... Why would i want to lay with a man who's only attraction for me is the money or whatever other material thing i can get from him??? Even the men i've dated that like to give me gifts are men i like... If i stop liking them for whatever reason, i break things off...
I have this friend (whom i met online) that i talk to on the yahoo chat almost every night... From what i can see from his photographs, he's a fine one but i'm not attracted to him in a any way. When he contacted me, he told me that all he wanted was friendship and i thought 'cool' and told him same but last night while talking to him, he started singing a different tune calling me baby and wanting to talk about sex. I refused to do so and he got sulky... Had to remind him about what he said when we first started talking... He said he'd changed his mind and can't help thinking about kissing me... Man, i just logged out... He called today while i was making my hair and said something about telling them to make my hair look beautiful for when i meet him... Had to tell him i wasn't that into him. I'm sure he was pissed off because he hung up immediately. Good riddance...
Some people just don't get it, do they? Just because i like talking to you doesn't mean i want to sleep with you and vice versa.....
XXXX
Bee
Friday, February 26, 2010
Changes...
So, i decided to change some names here because i'm catching hell for it...
Names have now been changed to protect people's identities
Names have now been changed to protect people's identities
Thursday, February 25, 2010
MAD AS HELL... OR MADDER
PARANOID:(dictionary meaning)1 afraid or suspicious of other people and believing that they are trying to harm you, in a way that is not reasonable. 2 suffering from a mental illness in which you wrongly believe that other people are trying to harm you or that you are very important.
I had always known that i'm short-tempered but i never believed myself capable of doing what i did the other day... On tuesday, i went insane for several minutes and i still don't know why i let myself get that out of control... I'm still at a loss...
So, what happened? I was a bit upset with Mr Man on monday and i went to bed on that note, woke up still a little peeved but decided to deal with it. Then an electrician i had contracted to re-wire stuff that were blowing up in my house messed things up. To compound issues, my younger brother whom i'd sent to the bank took my car without telling me, then proceeded to show it to a potential buyer. I saw red... I went into my room for a minute trying to calm myself down but didn't succeed because i had all this thoughts flashing in my head... It was also the day that i'd written on the post-dated cheque i gave my landlord for the balance payment of my rent and i didn't have enough cash in my account to cover it... I was sitting there looking at the jewellery i'd made and packed in boxes... And that was when i got taken over by FURY... I walked to the living room, picked up the bag the jewellery were in and threw them against the wall and then went back to my bedroom and started throwing things, breaking stuff... I even smashed my phones... Luckily, my sister ran in and removed my computer before i could get to it... Then i sat down in a small corner, put my head on my knees, covered my head with my hands and broke down... Cried unconsollably for 30mins and when i was drained, i just sat there looking... Tried talking but ended up crying again so, i just shut the hell up.
I'm thinking that all that happened because over the years, i haven't really let anything go... I just keep everything inside and pretend to move forward but on tuesday, i found that it wasn't working for me at all... I should've let it go... Now, thanks to my several minutes of madness, i've damaged a lamp that wasn't even mine, my lovely Kenneth Cole wristwatch and several other items that i collected over the years and will not be able to replace...
Why did i start this by writing out the english dictionary meaning of paranoid? I'll tell you...
lately, i seem to be hearing the word being thrown around by the men around me... First, it was Mr Man's favourite word, then the internet gigolo used it and today, it was Button... As far as i'm concerned, the only person who was right to use it ONCE was Mr Man, after that, the other times he used it, he was just being silly... Now, he was the one who was paranoid the last time he said i was because he deemed himself way more important than he was to me... I guess i put that notion in his head because of the many blogs i wrote with him as the principal character but who knows? Mybe not... Maybe it's just that he has an over-inflated ego...
Then the internet gigolo said he was only joking and that i was being paranoid when i refused to give him money on the ground that i'm not his sugar mummy... After that, he sent me a very insulting text message that i thought it better to ignore... I wasn't going to be dragged into that.
Today, Button said the same thing to me... Yesterday evening, he called to tell me he was coming to Lekki to shoot a commercial and he'd finish late and could he spend the night at my place? I told him i'd think about it and give hima ring back... When i didn't, he sent me a text i didn't reply with the hope he'd get the message but he refused to get it, choosing to call me instead to ask me again... I just thought what the hell and told him he could come over when he was done as i saw no other choice for it... He came, i fed him, gave him water to shower and told him he could go to sleep then i went on facebook for a few minutes and then went on to wikipedia to read up on my new fascination... The story of English king Henry viii and his many wives and mistresses... This i did until i fell asleep early this morning. At some point at night he tried to get fresh with me and i knocked his hand away and kicked him hard in the shins. Then very early this morning, he tried to kiss me and got hit on the face for his troubles... When i woke up, he was gone and i thought ''Halleluyah' i don't have to deal with him this morning''.....
Later tonight, he called... Since i got mad on tuesday, i haven't been one for talking much and it pissed him off when i didn't talk to him yesterday and today... He started on me saying i didn't think to call him when i noticed he was gone and blah blah blah... Is that the way i intend to continue on in this relationship (in my head i'm thinking, hello... we're not dating) and why did i decide to change for the worse? Nobody woould want to be with me if i treated them the way i treat him... I'm not romantic towards him, i don't call him, he tried to kiss me this morning and i hit him, whatever, whatever... I'd just had enough of everything he was saying so i told him simply, i've changed yes but you haven't changed and i can't deal with that. You still tell lies and i don't want to get back together with you... He hung up, then called back and started screaming at me calling me paranoid... He also said he was a rich, handsome young man who can get ANY woman he wants and that i wasn't doing him any favours dating him... Called me some un-printable names before he hung up on me... I'm thinking, why don't you want to grow up Mr? this was the exact thing he did the other time when i broke things off with him? Does he even know what paranoid means? I've never thought wrongly that he'll harm me... I've always thought rightly that he tells too many lies so, where does paranoia come in???
Anyways, i have too many personal problems at the moment to worry about man problems... I'm finally in a good place with Mr Man so, there shall be no more trouble i hope... We should've just being friends (like we are now) from the beginning...
I am not a good sharer and i now avoid people so as not to be tempted to complain but the truth is that i'm broke, seriously in debt, having trouble selling my stuff and at the brink of declaring bankruptcy... I have decided to sell my car and my laptop to offset some of my debts but to compound issues, i seem to have lost the original documents of my car and i can't sell it without them... I probably threw them out by mistake but i seriously doubt it...
Adding to all of these is my allergy that i'm trying to fight... I don't know anyone else who's allergic to heat. I itch all over and it makes me mad that people expect me to be way more than i can be... I'm only human, i'm only one woman and there's so much i can be...
I don't need any more pressures because it causes me to fall into depression...........
I may be Neurotic sometimes but i certainly am not paranoid....
XXXX
Bee
I had always known that i'm short-tempered but i never believed myself capable of doing what i did the other day... On tuesday, i went insane for several minutes and i still don't know why i let myself get that out of control... I'm still at a loss...
So, what happened? I was a bit upset with Mr Man on monday and i went to bed on that note, woke up still a little peeved but decided to deal with it. Then an electrician i had contracted to re-wire stuff that were blowing up in my house messed things up. To compound issues, my younger brother whom i'd sent to the bank took my car without telling me, then proceeded to show it to a potential buyer. I saw red... I went into my room for a minute trying to calm myself down but didn't succeed because i had all this thoughts flashing in my head... It was also the day that i'd written on the post-dated cheque i gave my landlord for the balance payment of my rent and i didn't have enough cash in my account to cover it... I was sitting there looking at the jewellery i'd made and packed in boxes... And that was when i got taken over by FURY... I walked to the living room, picked up the bag the jewellery were in and threw them against the wall and then went back to my bedroom and started throwing things, breaking stuff... I even smashed my phones... Luckily, my sister ran in and removed my computer before i could get to it... Then i sat down in a small corner, put my head on my knees, covered my head with my hands and broke down... Cried unconsollably for 30mins and when i was drained, i just sat there looking... Tried talking but ended up crying again so, i just shut the hell up.
I'm thinking that all that happened because over the years, i haven't really let anything go... I just keep everything inside and pretend to move forward but on tuesday, i found that it wasn't working for me at all... I should've let it go... Now, thanks to my several minutes of madness, i've damaged a lamp that wasn't even mine, my lovely Kenneth Cole wristwatch and several other items that i collected over the years and will not be able to replace...
Why did i start this by writing out the english dictionary meaning of paranoid? I'll tell you...
lately, i seem to be hearing the word being thrown around by the men around me... First, it was Mr Man's favourite word, then the internet gigolo used it and today, it was Button... As far as i'm concerned, the only person who was right to use it ONCE was Mr Man, after that, the other times he used it, he was just being silly... Now, he was the one who was paranoid the last time he said i was because he deemed himself way more important than he was to me... I guess i put that notion in his head because of the many blogs i wrote with him as the principal character but who knows? Mybe not... Maybe it's just that he has an over-inflated ego...
Then the internet gigolo said he was only joking and that i was being paranoid when i refused to give him money on the ground that i'm not his sugar mummy... After that, he sent me a very insulting text message that i thought it better to ignore... I wasn't going to be dragged into that.
Today, Button said the same thing to me... Yesterday evening, he called to tell me he was coming to Lekki to shoot a commercial and he'd finish late and could he spend the night at my place? I told him i'd think about it and give hima ring back... When i didn't, he sent me a text i didn't reply with the hope he'd get the message but he refused to get it, choosing to call me instead to ask me again... I just thought what the hell and told him he could come over when he was done as i saw no other choice for it... He came, i fed him, gave him water to shower and told him he could go to sleep then i went on facebook for a few minutes and then went on to wikipedia to read up on my new fascination... The story of English king Henry viii and his many wives and mistresses... This i did until i fell asleep early this morning. At some point at night he tried to get fresh with me and i knocked his hand away and kicked him hard in the shins. Then very early this morning, he tried to kiss me and got hit on the face for his troubles... When i woke up, he was gone and i thought ''Halleluyah' i don't have to deal with him this morning''.....
Later tonight, he called... Since i got mad on tuesday, i haven't been one for talking much and it pissed him off when i didn't talk to him yesterday and today... He started on me saying i didn't think to call him when i noticed he was gone and blah blah blah... Is that the way i intend to continue on in this relationship (in my head i'm thinking, hello... we're not dating) and why did i decide to change for the worse? Nobody woould want to be with me if i treated them the way i treat him... I'm not romantic towards him, i don't call him, he tried to kiss me this morning and i hit him, whatever, whatever... I'd just had enough of everything he was saying so i told him simply, i've changed yes but you haven't changed and i can't deal with that. You still tell lies and i don't want to get back together with you... He hung up, then called back and started screaming at me calling me paranoid... He also said he was a rich, handsome young man who can get ANY woman he wants and that i wasn't doing him any favours dating him... Called me some un-printable names before he hung up on me... I'm thinking, why don't you want to grow up Mr? this was the exact thing he did the other time when i broke things off with him? Does he even know what paranoid means? I've never thought wrongly that he'll harm me... I've always thought rightly that he tells too many lies so, where does paranoia come in???
Anyways, i have too many personal problems at the moment to worry about man problems... I'm finally in a good place with Mr Man so, there shall be no more trouble i hope... We should've just being friends (like we are now) from the beginning...
I am not a good sharer and i now avoid people so as not to be tempted to complain but the truth is that i'm broke, seriously in debt, having trouble selling my stuff and at the brink of declaring bankruptcy... I have decided to sell my car and my laptop to offset some of my debts but to compound issues, i seem to have lost the original documents of my car and i can't sell it without them... I probably threw them out by mistake but i seriously doubt it...
Adding to all of these is my allergy that i'm trying to fight... I don't know anyone else who's allergic to heat. I itch all over and it makes me mad that people expect me to be way more than i can be... I'm only human, i'm only one woman and there's so much i can be...
I don't need any more pressures because it causes me to fall into depression...........
I may be Neurotic sometimes but i certainly am not paranoid....
XXXX
Bee
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