MAD AS HELL... OR MADDER

PARANOID:(dictionary meaning)1 afraid or suspicious of other people and believing that they are trying to harm you, in a way that is not reasonable. 2 suffering from a mental illness in which you wrongly believe that other people are trying to harm you or that you are very important.


I had always known that i'm short-tempered but i never believed myself capable of doing what i did the other day... On tuesday, i went insane for several minutes and i still don't know why i let myself get that out of control... I'm still at a loss...

So, what happened? I was a bit upset with Mr Man on monday and i went to bed on that note, woke up still a little peeved but decided to deal with it. Then an electrician i had contracted to re-wire stuff that were blowing up in my house messed things up. To compound issues, my younger brother whom i'd sent to the bank took my car without telling me, then proceeded to show it to a potential buyer. I saw red... I went into my room for a minute trying to calm myself down but didn't succeed because i had all this thoughts flashing in my head... It was also the day that i'd written on the post-dated cheque i gave my landlord for the balance payment of my rent and i didn't have enough cash in my account to cover it... I was sitting there looking at the jewellery i'd made and packed in boxes... And that was when i got taken over by FURY... I walked to the living room, picked up the bag the jewellery were in and threw them against the wall and then went back to my bedroom and started throwing things, breaking stuff... I even smashed my phones... Luckily, my sister ran in and removed my computer before i could get to it... Then i sat down in a small corner, put my head on my knees, covered my head with my hands and broke down... Cried unconsollably for 30mins and when i was drained, i just sat there looking... Tried talking but ended up crying again so, i just shut the hell up.
I'm thinking that all that happened because over the years, i haven't really let anything go... I just keep everything inside and pretend to move forward but on tuesday, i found that it wasn't working for me at all... I should've let it go... Now, thanks to my several minutes of madness, i've damaged a lamp that wasn't even mine, my lovely Kenneth Cole wristwatch and several other items that i collected over the years and will not be able to replace...

Why did i start this by writing out the english dictionary meaning of paranoid? I'll tell you...
lately, i seem to be hearing the word being thrown around by the men around me... First, it was Mr Man's favourite word, then the internet gigolo used it and today, it was Button... As far as i'm concerned, the only person who was right to use it ONCE was Mr Man, after that, the other times he used it, he was just being silly... Now, he was the one who was paranoid the last time he said i was because he deemed himself way more important than he was to me... I guess i put that notion in his head because of the many blogs i wrote with him as the principal character but who knows? Mybe not... Maybe it's just that he has an over-inflated ego...
Then the internet gigolo said he was only joking and that i was being paranoid when i refused to give him money on the ground that i'm not his sugar mummy... After that, he sent me a very insulting text message that i thought it better to ignore... I wasn't going to be dragged into that.
Today, Button said the same thing to me... Yesterday evening, he called to tell me he was coming to Lekki to shoot a commercial and he'd finish late and could he spend the night at my place? I told him i'd think about it and give hima ring back... When i didn't, he sent me a text i didn't reply with the hope he'd get the message but he refused to get it, choosing to call me instead to ask me again... I just thought what the hell and told him he could come over when he was done as i saw no other choice for it... He came, i fed him, gave him water to shower and told him he could go to sleep then i went on facebook for a few minutes and then went on to wikipedia to read up on my new fascination... The story of English king Henry viii and his many wives and mistresses... This i did until i fell asleep early this morning. At some point at night he tried to get fresh with me and i knocked his hand away and kicked him hard in the shins. Then very early this morning, he tried to kiss me and got hit on the face for his troubles... When i woke up, he was gone and i thought ''Halleluyah' i don't have to deal with him this morning''.....
Later tonight, he called... Since i got mad on tuesday, i haven't been one for talking much and it pissed him off when i didn't talk to him yesterday and today... He started on me saying i didn't think to call him when i noticed he was gone and blah blah blah... Is that the way i intend to continue on in this relationship (in my head i'm thinking, hello... we're not dating) and why did i decide to change for the worse? Nobody woould want to be with me if i treated them the way i treat him... I'm not romantic towards him, i don't call him, he tried to kiss me this morning and i hit him, whatever, whatever... I'd just had enough of everything he was saying so i told him simply, i've changed yes but you haven't changed and i can't deal with that. You still tell lies and i don't want to get back together with you... He hung up, then called back and started screaming at me calling me paranoid... He also said he was a rich, handsome young man who can get ANY woman he wants and that i wasn't doing him any favours dating him... Called me some un-printable names before he hung up on me... I'm thinking, why don't you want to grow up Mr? this was the exact thing he did the other time when i broke things off with him? Does he even know what paranoid means? I've never thought wrongly that he'll harm me... I've always thought rightly that he tells too many lies so, where does paranoia come in???
Anyways, i have too many personal problems at the moment to worry about man problems... I'm finally in a good place with Mr Man so, there shall be no more trouble i hope... We should've just being friends (like we are now) from the beginning...
I am not a good sharer and i now avoid people so as not to be tempted to complain but the truth is that i'm broke, seriously in debt, having trouble selling my stuff and at the brink of declaring bankruptcy... I have decided to sell my car and my laptop to offset some of my debts but to compound issues, i seem to have lost the original documents of my car and i can't sell it without them... I probably threw them out by mistake but i seriously doubt it...
Adding to all of these is my allergy that i'm trying to fight... I don't know anyone else who's allergic to heat. I itch all over and it makes me mad that people expect me to be way more than i can be... I'm only human, i'm only one woman and there's so much i can be...
I don't need any more pressures because it causes me to fall into depression...........
I may be Neurotic sometimes but i certainly am not paranoid....
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Bee