HEARTBROKEN...

You have to be in love with someone before they can break your heart right? Wrong...
The rules just aren't that simple anymore... Once, i thought i knew it all, had all the answers and nothing could touch me, how wrong i was... Now, i know better... I don't have any answers, i know very little, something can touch me and it did... Damn right, it did... And i went quite mad...
So, how did i get mad? Here's the story...............


I met someone really lovely and blew it... Yes, that's what i did... The last 2weeks were a combination of feelings i hadn't felt or let myself feel in a long time... Problem became my scared nature... I just couldn't relax and enjoy it. Instead, i started questioning things like i do everything in my life. I can't just sit in a chair, i'll ask who made it, what it was made of... Come on, it's a bloody chair... SIT but no, not me. I'll question everything and not relent until something gives and i find myself in a state of absolute calm. Not good calm but the kind of calm that comes before a storm and when the storm hits...
So, friday night everyone went to bed early (including my father who was visiting) and i found myself alone in the living room unable to sleep because of the thoughts in my head and i started wondering why i was thinking and that led to more thinking and so on until i had an epiphany... The problem isn't just that i am a perfectionist, it's that i am hungry... Insatiably so... I started thinking back to my early years and realised that the hunger has always been there gnawing away at my insides, pushing me way past my limit in search for fullness but the hunger never seems to dissipate. I always want something and when i find it, i want more... I want better and better than better and so on until lose all i had gathered in the search for something better. It's no wonder that i really do not have friends... It's because of this hunger for
A perfect friend
A perfect partner
A perfect business
A perfect outfit
A perfect everything
I polish and polish until there's nothing left and because humans are not inanimate objects, they move on to other people who can accept them just the way they are. I don't think people really care much for someone who has an idea of exactly what they want in their heads and i can now understand why a lot of people can't stand me. I'm the sort of person who'd dream up something in my head and set out to find it. Of course, i won't find it because it doesn't exist but that realization has never stopped me from looking anyway... I seem to live in my head most of the time, filling my head with lots of fantasies, drawing pictures of everything i want in my mind's eye and forgetting that there's a world out there that i could explore. A world i could join and live in. A world full of im-perfect but fun people... I guess the only good thing about having a head-full of fantasies is it makes me a really good designer but other than that, it just helps me alienate people. Even those who care about me... They stick around for as long as they can then bolt when they realise that i won't get out of my head long enough to notice them. Who wants to be with someone that wouldn't know what to say to them when they complain about stuff? Someone who just stares at them for a few minutes then says something completely irrelevant? Will you? No, didn't think so...
So, here i am now alone... again... and in pain after successfully pushing Mr Man away and who am i to blame? Was i in love with him? No yet. Am i heartbroken? Very much so. Who broke my heart? ME of course...
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Bee