JUST THINKING... AGAIN!!!

I wish life were still simple like it was when i was just a child... At that time, i was carefree and couldn't be bothered about anything. I didn’t even understand that at some point, some of the people i knew and loved would go away and i would never see them again... All i knew was that when i told my mother i was hungry, i’ll get food... When i tear a dress, it’ll be mended or replaced... When i felt ill, i’ll be taken to the doctor and pampered till i got better... It never occurred to me that these two wonderful people i called mummy and daddy were sacrificing a lot to provide me with all of these... As i grew older, i started to realize that life wasn’t all colour as i used to see it... There were grey areas and try as i may, i’ve never quite gotten used to them... When my mum was ill, i knew that i had to take some kind of responsibility and i did the best i could... Started with looking after my siblings when she was in the hospital... Cooking, washing the clothes, bathing them, taking them to school and picking them up, that sort of thing... I had to grow up fast for their sake and it never occurred to me to be selfish or pay attention to myself alone... I always felt a sense of responsibility... Earlier in my 20’s when i started getting marriage proposals, i worried that if i got married early, i wouldn’t be able to look after them as i would if i weren’t married so, i kept refusing the men as they came... I had this thought in my head that the marriage wouldn’t last if my husband realizes that i gave almost all i make to my family and that might cause friction which would lead to the end of it and i didn’t want to get married then, get a divorce... So, i steered clear of it...
When my mother died, i became afraid of losing any of my siblings... The fear ate deep into me to the point that i started smothering them... I didn’t even realize that until last year when one of my sisters told me to mind my own business and stop interfering with her life... Uhh oh...
So, now the problem is that i have a new phobia... A fear of being alone... I have no idea what that phobia is called but i seem to have developed it and it has succeeded in scaring away my previous phobia... Fear of crowded or closed in spaces, claustrophobia... It’s bad enough that i replaced one fear with another but the worse thing about all that’s happened is i’m now like one of those people i couldn’t stand... People who cry for no reason... I used to be the sort of person who always prided themselves on the fact that people never see their tears but now, i’m a cryer... I bawl for no reason... I just sit down and start crying... Ask me why i’m crying and i will not be able to give you a reason for it... To think that i didn’t even cry when my mum died, all i did was break a lot of louvres with my bare arms and calmed down shortly after... Now, i look at the jewellery i made and cry... I watch a movie and cry... I hear that a man beat up his wife, i cry... I break up with someone i didn’t really like, i cry... I see an accident on the road, i cry... My car breaks down, i cry... Not good... Not good at all... Unfortunately, i can’t seem to help all this outpouring of emotions... I guess it comes from all the years of holding everything in and being stoic or hard like some people would say...
My life has been one bad experience after another... Most of the stuff that’s happened to me, i refused to share... Maybe keeping it all inside is bad, i don’t know but what i do know is that i’d prefer no-one ever knows... It’s bad enough that a lot of people do not like me because i’m a snob, i’d hate for anyone to look at me with pity... I don’t think i’ll be able to deal with that... Who knows, i may lock myself in my bedroom and cry if someone looks at me like that...
Now, i’ve been told that my blog sounds a little bit like Carrie Bradshaw of Sex and the City because of the craziness but unlike her, i do not give everyone a sense of hope at the end... How do you sound hopeful when you don’t exactly know the meaning of the word? I’ve never been made to believe that i could actually get what i want in my life... It’s usually the Nigerian Christian ‘’Don’t worry, God will take control’’ that i get all the time and believe me, i’m beginning to tire of that and that’s why i avoid a lot of people including a certain arm of my family... If you want me to be happy, offer me good advice that doesn’t involve Christianity ... Give me a loan to help improve my business... Introduce me to a man... Just don’t stand there and tell me about how God will do it for me... I do not do that to anyone... I help or give advice if i can’t help...
I guess i’ve done it again... Writing another dark sounding blog... That’s just who i am and i wouldn’t change who i am for 10million bucks... Everyone will just have to live with it..............
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Bee