HE/SHE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

Men expect us to keep our escapades to ourselves and we do that to either humour them or to have them become ours... Why we do, i have no idea but i hope to find out someday...
Just because we are women doesn't mean that we do not do the same things men do. For instance, i know a lot of women who have had one night stands just for the hell of it. Also, there's been a few stories over the years of some women i know who go out and see a guy waving to them across the room but cannot remember them at all only to later find that he was someone she's had sex with once upon a time... Uh Ohh
I've had my share of one night stands, flings and whatever... I will not, just i've never, pretend to be something other than who i am... Believe me, i get propositioned on a daily basis by not just one but many men... I keep thinking that if i sleep with every man who wants to sleep with me, i'd have had sex with thousands of men by now...
Not so long ago, someone tried to hook me up with a guy... Thought he was a regular bloke until i got there to find he was an old man who used to be a senator or something like that... He was really into me but i wasn't feeling him at all and i made this known to him. He had kids that were almost my age and wasn't even ashamed to say this to me... While i was sitting there thinking of a way to leave without being rude, he switched the TV channel to porn and started watching it with his equally OLD friends... I was disgusted to say the least! Now, i don't have a problem with anyone who watches porn as long as i don't have to watch it with them... The sight of two or three people having sex on TV is a little disturbing and makes me uncomfortable... Having them watch it is one thing but doing so on a 50inch TV screen??? Come on man...
Had to make some flimsy excuse just so i could leave but he would have none of it... He took my phone and car keys when i went to the bathroom and wouldn't give them back. I ended up staying the night at his oversized house... Decided to pass the rest of the night browsing the internet until he finally gave me back my phone and keys at 5am!!! I refused to have sex with him... I'm sure that pissed him off to no end...
Yesterday, i started thinking that i needed to get a backer for my business and decided to call him (amongst others) to see if he'd like to invest in me but the man didn't even remember me... WHAT??? I was really surprised because i thought i made some kind of impression on him. Obviously not... I hung up as i hate having to explain who i was to anyone over the phone... If you do not remember me, there's no need to talk to you...
That got me wondering how many girls he's seen or slept with in the time since i met him... I guess refusing to sleep with him was one of the best decisions i've made in a while... I'm not interested in being anyone's prostitute! Thanks a lot... Now, don't get me wrong... I've been given gifts by some of the men i've dated in my life but the idea of sleeping with someone, anyone just for money makes my stomach turn... I have this theory: If i can't fuck you for free, i won't fuck you for money... That's just it... Why would i want to lay with a man who's only attraction for me is the money or whatever other material thing i can get from him??? Even the men i've dated that like to give me gifts are men i like... If i stop liking them for whatever reason, i break things off...
I have this friend (whom i met online) that i talk to on the yahoo chat almost every night... From what i can see from his photographs, he's a fine one but i'm not attracted to him in a any way. When he contacted me, he told me that all he wanted was friendship and i thought 'cool' and told him same but last night while talking to him, he started singing a different tune calling me baby and wanting to talk about sex. I refused to do so and he got sulky... Had to remind him about what he said when we first started talking... He said he'd changed his mind and can't help thinking about kissing me... Man, i just logged out... He called today while i was making my hair and said something about telling them to make my hair look beautiful for when i meet him... Had to tell him i wasn't that into him. I'm sure he was pissed off because he hung up immediately. Good riddance...
Some people just don't get it, do they? Just because i like talking to you doesn't mean i want to sleep with you and vice versa.....
XXXX
Bee

Changes...

So, i decided to change some names here because i'm catching hell for it...
Names have now been changed to protect people's identities

MAD AS HELL... OR MADDER

PARANOID:(dictionary meaning)1 afraid or suspicious of other people and believing that they are trying to harm you, in a way that is not reasonable. 2 suffering from a mental illness in which you wrongly believe that other people are trying to harm you or that you are very important.


I had always known that i'm short-tempered but i never believed myself capable of doing what i did the other day... On tuesday, i went insane for several minutes and i still don't know why i let myself get that out of control... I'm still at a loss...

So, what happened? I was a bit upset with Mr Man on monday and i went to bed on that note, woke up still a little peeved but decided to deal with it. Then an electrician i had contracted to re-wire stuff that were blowing up in my house messed things up. To compound issues, my younger brother whom i'd sent to the bank took my car without telling me, then proceeded to show it to a potential buyer. I saw red... I went into my room for a minute trying to calm myself down but didn't succeed because i had all this thoughts flashing in my head... It was also the day that i'd written on the post-dated cheque i gave my landlord for the balance payment of my rent and i didn't have enough cash in my account to cover it... I was sitting there looking at the jewellery i'd made and packed in boxes... And that was when i got taken over by FURY... I walked to the living room, picked up the bag the jewellery were in and threw them against the wall and then went back to my bedroom and started throwing things, breaking stuff... I even smashed my phones... Luckily, my sister ran in and removed my computer before i could get to it... Then i sat down in a small corner, put my head on my knees, covered my head with my hands and broke down... Cried unconsollably for 30mins and when i was drained, i just sat there looking... Tried talking but ended up crying again so, i just shut the hell up.
I'm thinking that all that happened because over the years, i haven't really let anything go... I just keep everything inside and pretend to move forward but on tuesday, i found that it wasn't working for me at all... I should've let it go... Now, thanks to my several minutes of madness, i've damaged a lamp that wasn't even mine, my lovely Kenneth Cole wristwatch and several other items that i collected over the years and will not be able to replace...

Why did i start this by writing out the english dictionary meaning of paranoid? I'll tell you...
lately, i seem to be hearing the word being thrown around by the men around me... First, it was Mr Man's favourite word, then the internet gigolo used it and today, it was Button... As far as i'm concerned, the only person who was right to use it ONCE was Mr Man, after that, the other times he used it, he was just being silly... Now, he was the one who was paranoid the last time he said i was because he deemed himself way more important than he was to me... I guess i put that notion in his head because of the many blogs i wrote with him as the principal character but who knows? Mybe not... Maybe it's just that he has an over-inflated ego...
Then the internet gigolo said he was only joking and that i was being paranoid when i refused to give him money on the ground that i'm not his sugar mummy... After that, he sent me a very insulting text message that i thought it better to ignore... I wasn't going to be dragged into that.
Today, Button said the same thing to me... Yesterday evening, he called to tell me he was coming to Lekki to shoot a commercial and he'd finish late and could he spend the night at my place? I told him i'd think about it and give hima ring back... When i didn't, he sent me a text i didn't reply with the hope he'd get the message but he refused to get it, choosing to call me instead to ask me again... I just thought what the hell and told him he could come over when he was done as i saw no other choice for it... He came, i fed him, gave him water to shower and told him he could go to sleep then i went on facebook for a few minutes and then went on to wikipedia to read up on my new fascination... The story of English king Henry viii and his many wives and mistresses... This i did until i fell asleep early this morning. At some point at night he tried to get fresh with me and i knocked his hand away and kicked him hard in the shins. Then very early this morning, he tried to kiss me and got hit on the face for his troubles... When i woke up, he was gone and i thought ''Halleluyah' i don't have to deal with him this morning''.....
Later tonight, he called... Since i got mad on tuesday, i haven't been one for talking much and it pissed him off when i didn't talk to him yesterday and today... He started on me saying i didn't think to call him when i noticed he was gone and blah blah blah... Is that the way i intend to continue on in this relationship (in my head i'm thinking, hello... we're not dating) and why did i decide to change for the worse? Nobody woould want to be with me if i treated them the way i treat him... I'm not romantic towards him, i don't call him, he tried to kiss me this morning and i hit him, whatever, whatever... I'd just had enough of everything he was saying so i told him simply, i've changed yes but you haven't changed and i can't deal with that. You still tell lies and i don't want to get back together with you... He hung up, then called back and started screaming at me calling me paranoid... He also said he was a rich, handsome young man who can get ANY woman he wants and that i wasn't doing him any favours dating him... Called me some un-printable names before he hung up on me... I'm thinking, why don't you want to grow up Mr? this was the exact thing he did the other time when i broke things off with him? Does he even know what paranoid means? I've never thought wrongly that he'll harm me... I've always thought rightly that he tells too many lies so, where does paranoia come in???
Anyways, i have too many personal problems at the moment to worry about man problems... I'm finally in a good place with Mr Man so, there shall be no more trouble i hope... We should've just being friends (like we are now) from the beginning...
I am not a good sharer and i now avoid people so as not to be tempted to complain but the truth is that i'm broke, seriously in debt, having trouble selling my stuff and at the brink of declaring bankruptcy... I have decided to sell my car and my laptop to offset some of my debts but to compound issues, i seem to have lost the original documents of my car and i can't sell it without them... I probably threw them out by mistake but i seriously doubt it...
Adding to all of these is my allergy that i'm trying to fight... I don't know anyone else who's allergic to heat. I itch all over and it makes me mad that people expect me to be way more than i can be... I'm only human, i'm only one woman and there's so much i can be...
I don't need any more pressures because it causes me to fall into depression...........
I may be Neurotic sometimes but i certainly am not paranoid....
XXXX
Bee

GIGOLOS IN DISGUISE...

Kele was a really handsome guy i met about 6years ago in Surulere. I had just closed from my shop and was standing on the side of the road waiting for a taxi when he walked up to me to ask my name... Prior to that day, i would see him walking past my shop and i would look and admire because he was tall, dark and handsome... TDH, if you may and he didn’t have an extra ounce of fat on him. I didn’t think he ever saw me but turned out he always did see me and he’d been waiting for the perfect opportunity to talk to me. The opportunity came that evening at 7pm when i was waiting for a cab... We got talking, exchanged numbers and he waited until i got a cab before he left. He called later that night to ask me out on a date... I said yes. Next day, we went out for drinks... I didn’t know what his situation was so, i suggested a cheap place i knew anyone could afford and he agreed to take me there... We had a fabulous time and we did again the next day, and the next and so on for about 3weeks before i invited him to my house... He came and we ended up dating for about a year before i broke things off... Mind, he was fantastic and the sex? There are no words... That is, apart from the fact that he kissed with his eyes open which i found a bit disturbing...
The question is why did i break up with such a fantastic dude? I ended up picking up bills after the initial 3weeks he spent wooing me... He started saying stuff like ‘’babe, i’m broke and i would really like to see you because i miss you... can you pick up the cab fare?’’ i did... He’d ask me out to dinner and after ordering stuff, he’d say ‘’could you pay this time please? I’ll pick up the next one’’ and i would... I’d ask him to come out with me and my friends... We’d buy a bottle of whisky and he’ll say something like ‘’babe, you know i don’t drink whisky, i prefer Hennessey’’ and i’ll buy him Hennessey. At first, i thought nothing of it because i thought ‘’he’s still in school and it’ll get better when he starts working’’... How wrong i was... When he graduated and was waiting to serve, he started a business and was making money but he didn’t stop asking me to pay for this and that and also ‘’borrowing’’ money from me without paying back... All of these i ignored... Come January the next year and he told me that he had plans to give me a treat i’ll never forget. He wanted me to get a nice dress and all because he wanted to take me to a fancy place... I did buy a dress to wear and for him, i bought a really expensive wristwatch and a card... Valentine’s day and i got to my shop to see a nylon bag with a card and a white top that my sales-girl said he dropped for me. The top was way too big for me but i didn’t mind because he bought it... It was 6pm and i still hadn’t seen him. Called him and he didn’t answer so, i went to the bar behind my shop in the hopes of catching a break and a quick drink while hoping he’d call me back only to see him there knocking back bottles of star with his friends... I was shattered... He didn’t even apologise... He said he’d been looking for me (What????? I’ve been in my shop) and when he didn’t see me, he decided to chill there... I asked if he saw my calls and he didn’t see them nor hear the phone ring... Ok, no worries... When are we going out? Oh, he doesn’t have money... I thought you made this plan over a month ago? Isn’t that enough time for you to save up for it? That’s when he blew up... Why does he have to be the one to pay for dinner on Valentine? Am i not the one who works? What’s wrong with me picking up the check? Nothing, i told him but it would’ve helped if he’d told me earlier because i already sent all i made that day to the bank and i only have a bit left... He would hear none of this... He was angry that i didn’t get him anything (i had kept the gift i got for him hoping to give him later that evening) and i expected him to pay? What the hell was i talking about? I kept quiet and let him rant then asked him ‘’Do i have to buy you stuff just to make you feel better? Do i always have to pay the bills when he go out?’’ He said i did... After-all, i’m 12days older than he is and i’m the one with a steady job... I just turned around and walked out. Didn’t see him for another 3years or so after that...
If anyone had told me when i met him that i had a gigolo on my hands, i would’ve argued and gotten really mad like i’m known to do but no one told me anything, i found it out for myself...
I don’t know what it is about living in Lekki that makes some guys (especially those ones who live on the mainland of Lagos) assume that you’re loaded and are sugar mummy material... I have to keep telling them that i’m not rich... I’m just okay and i actually have to work very hard to pay my bills and keep my apartment... Whether they believe or not is another matter but i still keep on trying to make them understand that i am not as rich as they think i am... I have responsibilities...
So, what made me remember Kele? This morning, i got a call from a guy asking me for some money... Now, this is the guy i mentioned in my ‘’internet dating’’ blog whom i dated for a while and broke it off with sometime last year...
The story is, we met online, dated for a while and while we were dating, i had to go to London to shop for stuff to re-sell... He asked me to buy him a football jersey and chocolates... Couldn’t get the jersey and i called to tell him so. He said not to worry and i promised to get him the chocolates... I had this plan to get him chocolates at the airport on my way back to Lagos but turned out i had excess baggage that i didn’t plan for so, i paid for that and was left with just a bit of cash... I spent it all on chocolates... Got back, gave them to him when he came to see me. They were 2 big packs of chocolates, having given some to my siblings and keeping one bag of minstrels (love them) for myself... I was so pissed off when he started complaining that i only got him a couple of chocolates... His ex used to get him a bagful and he started to sulk after making that statement... I couldn’t believe it!!! Sais nothing to him... When he left, i sent him a text to say he shouldn’t bother coming back... A few days ago, we started talking again and trying to figure out how to get past what happened... Maybe see if we can start over, only for him to call me this morning to say he was broke and could i give him some money? I was sleepy as he was the one who woke me up and i really couldn’t talk properly... He started going on and on about how i had so much money yet do not want to give him any and blah blah blah... I held the phone to my ears stunned into silence and mumbled something about calling him back when i was fully awake then, hung up... Boy oh boy, seems like i have a knack for attracting gigolos... Went back to sleep because i knew i was going to snap at everyone if i didn’t!!!
Now, what is this thing about girls who live on the Island that make men think we are loaded? Is it because houses here are expensive to rent or what? I’m thinking it has nothing to do with cars (i drive a 1991 model Nissan sunny) because my car is old and tired... Whatever it is, i’ll be happy not to be presumed a sugar mummy... I’m not even 30 yet for fuck’s sake!!! Give me a break!!!
XXXX
Bee

INTERNET DATING...

Some years ago, i discovered the internet... What a wonderful discovery it was, depending on which way you look at it... The first thing i did was get an e-mail address and then, the boyfriend at that time opened an online shop for me and asked me to click on anything i wanted so he could buy them for me... It was totally crazy...Wowwwwwwwwwww... I didn't believe that i could sit in a house in Lagos and shop. Before that time, when i wanted to shop, i'd go to Adeniran Ogunsanya street and browse the shops... At that time, it was collectibles, talk to me, steps... Now, here i was shopping online...
Then came one day, i was at a cyber cafe and wanted to check my mail when i found that the previous user of that computer had left this site open... It was called matchdoctor... I was recently single, bored out of my effing mind and looking for adventure... I logged him out and registered myself... Didn't have a photograph on me so, i went home, got a photo, scanned it and posted it on the site. 10minutes later, i realized i had 13 messages... Wow, this would be interesting i thought... Little did i know that i'll find all kinds of rotten people in there...
Now, there are even more... Badoo, xmatch. friendfinder, adult friend-finder, golddiggers, myUKdate, dateUK and facebook that's supposed to be a social networking site is now being used as a dating site... Some people do not even bother to read a profile before writing to a girl. I've been asked to show my privates on webcam, send nude pics, offered money to have sex with relative strangers, asked to watch a man cum... It was so bad that i decided to remove my profile from some of these sites that i joined in excitement...
This world is a crazy place indeed, otherwise how does one explain a 67year old grandfather writing a mail to a 27year old woman online asking her to meet him for coffee? That happened a few years ago in Dubai... I was curious enough to go meet him at the Radisson SAS hotel in Deira. He was nice, smart, funny, loaded and French!!! He also had a grand-daughter who was 23!!! We had a laugh and 2hours of fun but it ended at the hotel lobby when i got into a cab... There's no way i'm dating a man 5years older than my father... Then there was the really sweet guy who had only 1 finger on his left hand. He told me he was working as a butcher's assistant while in college and when the butcher didn't show up for work one day, he chopped off his fingers while trying to cut meat. Story was really touching and i felt bad for him. We were at a really nice and expensive restuarant at the time... Was thinking of getting together with him when he told me he would like me to stick a dildo in his ass... WHAT!!! Looked at him with my mouth hanging open and because of my shocked state, he tried to explain... Something about getting it up there that releases prostate or whatever... Didn't stop me from bolting... Crap, damn and blast!!!!!!!!!!
While online the other day, i decided to check my badoo account that i hadn't checked for a long time... Found i had some messages... While reading them, i got more... and more... and more... Some of these messages were sweet, some laughable and some down-right disgusting... There was the Italian guy begging me to see his dick. I said''No, Thanks'' but he wouldn't leave me be... There was the Nigerian who's English was horrible and didn't understand half the things i wrote... There were the Tunisians who wanted to meet me on msn so i could turn on my cam and watch them mastubate... Then there was the Nigerian who was so polite and easy to talk to, that i have now decided to be friends with, no dating... There were more but i'll just stop here.
I did meet some nice people online... Some who became friends and 1 who became a lover...
There are those i know who got married via the internet... They were happy for a while but truth is that they are all divorced now... Even the one we all thought will last forever...
Unfortunately, these internet dating sites are addictive... The girls who divorced their husbands did so because they found out that these men were still on those sites with the same profile information after they were married. I do not blame them for leaving the men. If i were them, i'd be sure to chop off his fingers before divorcing the idiot...
XXXX
Benny

JUST THINKING... AGAIN!!!

I wish life were still simple like it was when i was just a child... At that time, i was carefree and couldn't be bothered about anything. I didn’t even understand that at some point, some of the people i knew and loved would go away and i would never see them again... All i knew was that when i told my mother i was hungry, i’ll get food... When i tear a dress, it’ll be mended or replaced... When i felt ill, i’ll be taken to the doctor and pampered till i got better... It never occurred to me that these two wonderful people i called mummy and daddy were sacrificing a lot to provide me with all of these... As i grew older, i started to realize that life wasn’t all colour as i used to see it... There were grey areas and try as i may, i’ve never quite gotten used to them... When my mum was ill, i knew that i had to take some kind of responsibility and i did the best i could... Started with looking after my siblings when she was in the hospital... Cooking, washing the clothes, bathing them, taking them to school and picking them up, that sort of thing... I had to grow up fast for their sake and it never occurred to me to be selfish or pay attention to myself alone... I always felt a sense of responsibility... Earlier in my 20’s when i started getting marriage proposals, i worried that if i got married early, i wouldn’t be able to look after them as i would if i weren’t married so, i kept refusing the men as they came... I had this thought in my head that the marriage wouldn’t last if my husband realizes that i gave almost all i make to my family and that might cause friction which would lead to the end of it and i didn’t want to get married then, get a divorce... So, i steered clear of it...
When my mother died, i became afraid of losing any of my siblings... The fear ate deep into me to the point that i started smothering them... I didn’t even realize that until last year when one of my sisters told me to mind my own business and stop interfering with her life... Uhh oh...
So, now the problem is that i have a new phobia... A fear of being alone... I have no idea what that phobia is called but i seem to have developed it and it has succeeded in scaring away my previous phobia... Fear of crowded or closed in spaces, claustrophobia... It’s bad enough that i replaced one fear with another but the worse thing about all that’s happened is i’m now like one of those people i couldn’t stand... People who cry for no reason... I used to be the sort of person who always prided themselves on the fact that people never see their tears but now, i’m a cryer... I bawl for no reason... I just sit down and start crying... Ask me why i’m crying and i will not be able to give you a reason for it... To think that i didn’t even cry when my mum died, all i did was break a lot of louvres with my bare arms and calmed down shortly after... Now, i look at the jewellery i made and cry... I watch a movie and cry... I hear that a man beat up his wife, i cry... I break up with someone i didn’t really like, i cry... I see an accident on the road, i cry... My car breaks down, i cry... Not good... Not good at all... Unfortunately, i can’t seem to help all this outpouring of emotions... I guess it comes from all the years of holding everything in and being stoic or hard like some people would say...
My life has been one bad experience after another... Most of the stuff that’s happened to me, i refused to share... Maybe keeping it all inside is bad, i don’t know but what i do know is that i’d prefer no-one ever knows... It’s bad enough that a lot of people do not like me because i’m a snob, i’d hate for anyone to look at me with pity... I don’t think i’ll be able to deal with that... Who knows, i may lock myself in my bedroom and cry if someone looks at me like that...
Now, i’ve been told that my blog sounds a little bit like Carrie Bradshaw of Sex and the City because of the craziness but unlike her, i do not give everyone a sense of hope at the end... How do you sound hopeful when you don’t exactly know the meaning of the word? I’ve never been made to believe that i could actually get what i want in my life... It’s usually the Nigerian Christian ‘’Don’t worry, God will take control’’ that i get all the time and believe me, i’m beginning to tire of that and that’s why i avoid a lot of people including a certain arm of my family... If you want me to be happy, offer me good advice that doesn’t involve Christianity ... Give me a loan to help improve my business... Introduce me to a man... Just don’t stand there and tell me about how God will do it for me... I do not do that to anyone... I help or give advice if i can’t help...
I guess i’ve done it again... Writing another dark sounding blog... That’s just who i am and i wouldn’t change who i am for 10million bucks... Everyone will just have to live with it..............
XXXX
Bee

VALENTINE... OR NOT

I have this theory... Don't hate!!! It's that simple but i can't help but hate this valentine... Just came back in from Victoria Island and i seem to have developed a new hatred for the colour red... In the almost 12years since i've been in Lagos, i've never seen Mega Plaza decorated for valentine. Well, there's always a first time and it seems like 2010 is it!!! The mall was decorated in red and white and i couldn't count the number of people that wore the colour. As a matter of fact, i saw a guy at Joy's birthday party in Lekki 1 wearing a white suit with a red t-shirt and red shoes... Dang!!! This is definitely Valentine on acid!!!
My sister was out with me and Kemi. Didn't bother to ask her why she was home... I just guessed the plans she had with her boyfriend fell through... Fortunately, we weren't the only single girls out and it gave me some satisfaction to see other girls out without men... Sounds a bit disturbing, i know but if my plans fall through, i'm happy to know that i wasn't the only one...
Don't know what i was thinking last night but i called Mr Man after one too many glasses of red wine... I had invited him to my friend's party but he decided not to come and didn't even call to tell me. He had to wait for me to call him before he told me he couldn't make it to the party. I didn't worry about it but later, i texted him to say i'd like to have sex with him to which he replied that he couldn't because he was in Ikeja. Called him when i got home just to have him place me on hold then started talking to someone about how he couldn't be with her because he wasn't the groom or blah blah blah... Normally, i'd hang up but i stayed on because i wanted him back... Because i missed him but i really shouldn't have bothered... He went on talking for about 2mins before he came back on... I asked him if i was supposed to have heard that and he said something in the lines of... Why should that be his problem? Hung up and sent him a text... Here's a word for you... ASSHOLE. That probably hurt him because later today, i got a text telling me he was drunk and couldn't be held accountable for what he says at that time and whatever which led to another text from me until he insulted me...
I cannot believe that i dated someone like that... I've never been someone who claims to be right when i'm wrong and even though i did somethings that were uncalled for in the less than 2weeks we were together, i apologized for them. Unfortunately, he is just a child who refuses to grow up. I guess that's what happens when you date someone younger than you are... The thing is we basically want different things out of a relationship... I want commitment (not marriage, don't get it confused) and he wants sex... He says i do not like sex but i beg to differ... He's not the first person i've been with and if i were bad in the sack, ex-boyfriends will not be crawling back trying to get in my bed... There probably wasn't chemistry... Like my sister said, he happened to be there at the time when i wanted to be with someone... I liked him, it happened, case closed... I wasn't even attracted to him until much later. I never should have bothered but i'm known to be an idiot at times...
My mother used to tell me that only a fool waits to learn from their own experiences instead of learning from the experience of others... I guess that makes me a fool............................
XXXX
Bee

Uhh Oh...

I'm told that alcohol makes everything look better... Yeah right...
Whoever said that has probably never gotten drunk...
Truth is that alcohol makes everything look blurry and leaves you with a nasty headache. When your roof starts to spin from your position lying on your bed, you know you're fucking drunk...
It's better to be drunk than remember that 2weeks ago, you had plans for Valentine but now don't... My plan is to sleep, wake up at 10am to go to church, then relax with a bottle of wine and have a movie fest... alone...
So, this is me going to sleep.................................................................
XXXX
Bee

ASSHOLES IN DISGUISE...

It's amazing the kind of stuff one sees when out in this crazy city called Lagos... Lift the wrong stone and you find all kinds of worms, centipedes and what nots crawling underneath... Throwing up becomes your first option... Even after dropping the stone you're still left with the taste of nausea in your mouth to add to the rolling belly... Are you grossed out enough? I still am.....


I figured that if i was going to meet someone, i'm not going to do that sitting on my hands and feet but out there in the city... I had been staying in since the whole Mr Man experience so, i decided to re-join the world. My sis and her friend Kemi accompanied me out yesterday evening to Lekki 1 where i needed to collect money from one of my numerous debtors and the plan was to go for a drink or two somewhere from there. We ended up staying longer than usual at the Lekki place and almost turned around to head back home but Kemi insisted on going out. I remembered that on wednesdays, there's a live band that performs at Soul Lounge so, we headed there. It was a bit quiet and really boring when we got there. The nice glass of merlot i was drinking didn't even help to lift me out of the sleepy-eyed mode i was in... That is, until Kemi saw her ex and went over to say hello..... The party began then and boy, was it some party.....
The music changed from boring to dance-able after a while and i really got into it. When i started dancing, many men in the room decided it'll be good to try to talk me into their beds which i found a bit frustrating so, i did the next thing that came to mind. I sat the hell down..... Thought that would help to deter attention but it didn't work... I was a more than a little annoyed that most of these men wore wedding bands and i'm not on the look-out for married men, thanks... When one of them came to stand behind me and started trying to get me to feel his crotch, i knew i had to get out of there.....
Kemi wanted the party to continue and said as much... She decided we should move on to some place called la playa or something... That was okay as all the alcohol i'd had was making me hungry and i really wanted to put something in my stomach. Of course she refused to get in my car, choosing to ride in her friend's Aston Martin... Whatever, bitch!!!
SC, the pompous and arrogant ass who was driving the Aston Martin and also very married then decided he was in love with me... Yeah right... He kept tyring to grab me, finding ways to touch my breasts which pissed me off so much that i decided to find another seat. The man really got a taste of artist's temperament when he reffered to my work as cheap... CHEAP??? CHEAP??? I saw red... Imagine the nerve... calling my work CHEAP!!! That got him on my bad side and he spent about 10mins trying to apologize... I just ignored him and he started on Kemi... Oh, can she apologize on his behalf and blah blah blah... My sister wasn't even interested in talking to him or any of his other friends that were sitting there... All she wanted to do was go home to sleep as she was already nodding off... As far as i was concerned, if you have nothing nice to say, don't ask me what i do for a living... It's not like you're going to make the quality of my life any better if i decide to date you and stop working... I wouldn't even know what to do with myself in any case... Hearing about how much money you make doesn't interest me at all and if i were really fascinated by your wealth, i'll be sitting there laughing at your stupid jokes like a loon. I'm not laughing so move away, get it??? Dumbass...
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Bee

ASSUMPTIONS... PRESUMPTIONS... WHATEVER

I have a crush on someone!!! There... Finally said it... Whew...
Always assumed crushes were for teenagers... I am almost 30 so that shoots that theory all the way to hell. Unfortunately, he's my friend and i have no intention of letting the crush get in the way of our friendship because i tend to go from crush to acute dislike in the blink of an eye... I have been accused of changing boyfriends like underwear... What do i know? That may be true but what do i care? Isn't that what being single is about? Having fun? I'll date up a storm in the next several weeks and i will not apologise for it. I probably am not cut out for monogamy and always look for an excuse to get out of it the minute i start feeling like i have to change things about myself to make the other party happy. Compromise is not in my dictionary... Therefore, the best way to go about my life is to just live it and enjoy it as much as i can... Life's too long to worry about stuff... It's the longest thing we have to do and to avoid boredom, one has to live it to the fullest and if dating alot is my way of living it, so be it. I had this plan to clip my wings but being a butterfly is the way to be and believe me, it saves one a lot of stress and worry... So, here i am now flying away...
Back to my crush, i walked into this building and saw a guy pouring petrol in his generator. He was tall, slim and light-skinned. Said hello to him, he smiled and that was it....... It hit me in the pit of my stomach, i developed an instant crush. After that day, whenever i see him i try to say something that'll make him smile at me. We became fast friends because i can be charming when i feel like it. Too bad that can't be everyday... It felt good to talk to him and it still does. I'm sure he also likes talking to me because he now has a habit of seeking me out to talk...
When i first saw him, i was with my friend... 2days later, she said he was gay... what??? I didn't know how she came to this annoying conclusion but i started watching out for tell-tale signs. It also didn't help that he lives with another guy and they always do stuff like movies and all that together... Women never came to visit and i started to believe my friend. One night, i had used an insecticide spray in my apartment and decided to go chill at his. When i knocked, they both jumped and had this guilty look on their faces that i didn't quite understand... Turned out that they'd been watching porn... In your boxers? Hellooooooooo..... Though i kept that thought to myself, from that day on i would begin to believe they might be gay... All of this. assumptions... Oh, did i mention he was my neighbour in the house i just moved to? Of course i didn't, silly me. Last week when i was having issues with Mr Man, he came over to mine as usual. It was late, we were talking and i decided i was just drunk enough to mention i had a crush on him but the guy just kept on talking like he didn't hear me. Waited for him to finish and then asked him if he heard what i said... Oh yes, he did. He just didn't want to say anything about it because he figured i'd had too much to drink and might regret what i just said in the cold, harsh light of day. True to his words, i did... Why? I did not see him at all for four days or so... He was avoiding me. Shit, i didn't plan for that to happen so, i decided to lay ambush... Finally caught him and asked him to ignore what i said... I didn't want him to be uncomfortable and i really liked being his friend and it's okay, i understand he's gay. The guy's jaw just dropped open....... Turned out the bloke has a girlfriend and she was even inside his house while i was talking to him outside. He asked me to come in and meet her which i did... I felt like the biggest fool ever... All thanks to assumptions... At least we're still friends.............................
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Bee

HEARTBROKEN...

You have to be in love with someone before they can break your heart right? Wrong...
The rules just aren't that simple anymore... Once, i thought i knew it all, had all the answers and nothing could touch me, how wrong i was... Now, i know better... I don't have any answers, i know very little, something can touch me and it did... Damn right, it did... And i went quite mad...
So, how did i get mad? Here's the story...............


I met someone really lovely and blew it... Yes, that's what i did... The last 2weeks were a combination of feelings i hadn't felt or let myself feel in a long time... Problem became my scared nature... I just couldn't relax and enjoy it. Instead, i started questioning things like i do everything in my life. I can't just sit in a chair, i'll ask who made it, what it was made of... Come on, it's a bloody chair... SIT but no, not me. I'll question everything and not relent until something gives and i find myself in a state of absolute calm. Not good calm but the kind of calm that comes before a storm and when the storm hits...
So, friday night everyone went to bed early (including my father who was visiting) and i found myself alone in the living room unable to sleep because of the thoughts in my head and i started wondering why i was thinking and that led to more thinking and so on until i had an epiphany... The problem isn't just that i am a perfectionist, it's that i am hungry... Insatiably so... I started thinking back to my early years and realised that the hunger has always been there gnawing away at my insides, pushing me way past my limit in search for fullness but the hunger never seems to dissipate. I always want something and when i find it, i want more... I want better and better than better and so on until lose all i had gathered in the search for something better. It's no wonder that i really do not have friends... It's because of this hunger for
A perfect friend
A perfect partner
A perfect business
A perfect outfit
A perfect everything
I polish and polish until there's nothing left and because humans are not inanimate objects, they move on to other people who can accept them just the way they are. I don't think people really care much for someone who has an idea of exactly what they want in their heads and i can now understand why a lot of people can't stand me. I'm the sort of person who'd dream up something in my head and set out to find it. Of course, i won't find it because it doesn't exist but that realization has never stopped me from looking anyway... I seem to live in my head most of the time, filling my head with lots of fantasies, drawing pictures of everything i want in my mind's eye and forgetting that there's a world out there that i could explore. A world i could join and live in. A world full of im-perfect but fun people... I guess the only good thing about having a head-full of fantasies is it makes me a really good designer but other than that, it just helps me alienate people. Even those who care about me... They stick around for as long as they can then bolt when they realise that i won't get out of my head long enough to notice them. Who wants to be with someone that wouldn't know what to say to them when they complain about stuff? Someone who just stares at them for a few minutes then says something completely irrelevant? Will you? No, didn't think so...
So, here i am now alone... again... and in pain after successfully pushing Mr Man away and who am i to blame? Was i in love with him? No yet. Am i heartbroken? Very much so. Who broke my heart? ME of course...
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Bee

IT'S SO HARD

Had no idea when i decided to quit smoking a couple of days ago that it'll be so hard... My bravado didn't even last 24hours before i lit up. Found that i was hungry and wanted to nibble on everything chewable i saw. After i had eaten like five times (which was a first for me), i decided the way to go would probably be to wean myself from ciggies. Bought a pack as opposed to the 5packs or 1roll i'd usually buy and just decided to go slow... Just made myself a few rules and so far, i've kept them. I decided i would no longer smoke in public... That's a start... Next step is to stop smoking in my house and so on. The plan is to make myself as uncomfortable as possible to help me stop... I really hope this plan will work...
Relationship wise, i've been having issues and sorting them out then having issues and so on... Everyone wants to talk but no one wants to listen. I got so fed up with the whole thing that i just shut my mouth, got drunk and went to sleep at 9pm yesterday. Woke up a few minutes after 4am this morning and could no longer sleep. Instead of just sitting there, i decided to do something constructive with my time and that led to my making jewellery until about 3pm when i decided to go to the salon to make my hair. My hair was a mess, it looked liike it belonged on the head of a child suffering from malnutrition (At least, that's what my sister said). It looked really bad... I's previously tried to change it from brown to honey blonde but the dye job went horribly wrong and i ended up looking like an Albino... Albeit a black one, an Albino all the same. Finally dyed it black today and praying and hoping that my hair grows asap so i can cut the dyed part off because the dye thingy has damaged my hair.
That said, the news to share now is the most recent ex called me yesterday afternoon to say he misses me... This is the guy whom i thought everything was good with. Who even borrowed me a CLK500 to drive for a month while my car was undergoing repairs. Who wanted to be with me everyday and it was up to me to decide not to see him sometimes so as to spend some alone time. I thought everything was okay until the day after i returned his car... I had just collected my car from the workshop so, i knew it was time to return it. Besides, the mercedes was expensive to maintain and i was spending all my pocket money on it... He called to say he was going to Surulere to see his friend and would call me when he gets back to Lekki. I said okay and would see him later, only for him to call me around 11pm to sayy he was spending the night there. I thought nothing of it and told him i would see him the next day. The next day, he didn't call me and all 4 of his phones were switched off which was very unusual for him so, i called his best friend aho then told me he was also trying to reach him. I was worried out of my mind so, i went to look for him. When i got there, he was home taking a shower... He acted a little off so, i apologised for visiting him without invitation and explained why i did that. He said it was okay but he had plans to go to Surulere... I said nothing, just looked at him until he decided he wouldn't go. We spent the night together in his house and slept like strangers. When he was leaving for work the next morning, he said he'd see me later and i never heard from him again until yesterday... He didn't know what to say except that he'd been thinking about and dreaming of me for the last 3days and he just wanted to tell me he misses me. Hmmmmmm.....
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Bee

A DEAR JOHN LETTER...

I have to do this in other to have a better life, health and relationship with my man. We’ve been together a really long time and it’s really hard to do this but it’s something i need to do. Yes, it’s been 13 whole years since we first met and we’ve had a very long relationship. You’ve been there through everything... Break-ups, heartbreak, loss, happiness, my mum’s death and everything else in between... You have been the first i reach for when i feel all the many emotions i’ve felt over time... You weren’t even introduced to me by any-one, i went out and found you myself. Many times i’ve tried to leave you but for some reason, i just couldn’t so, i stopped trying... Now, i’ve realised that the only way to let go of you completely is through drastic measures. What i have to do is leave you cold turkey and believe me when i say it’s not an easy decision... Where do i start? I have no idea but what i ought to do, i know... I’m been so hooked on you that i forgot what it was like to have a life without you in it. Really sad that i go out in freezing rain to find you, get banished from some places because of you and there are people who turn up their noses at me because of my relationship with you. It’s going to be a long hard road before i recover completely from you and i intend to find a replacement for you. A replacement you might not like but one that’ll be much better for me... I always figured i’ll let you go at some point but i never thought it’d be because someone asked me to. Someone who i wouldn’t like to lose because of you. If it comes down to choosing, i’ll choose him over you everytime. So, now i say... Though you have been with me a long time, it’s definitely time to let you go and pursue a healthier habit. Goodbye cigarettes, it was really nice knowing you...

Now that i’ve done this, i guess i now have to return to something i really liked doing but haven’t been able to do for a long time... Running... It was a bit difficult doing that after a while because i lose my breath quickly and have to stop. Seems like Mr Man got his way finally after all... I never thought i would do this for anyone and had always said it wasn’t possible. It was usual for me to leave a man because he wanted me to stop smoking and i didn’t want to stop but never had i thought about leaving cigarettes because a man asked me to. I guess people do change... Maybe this is my way of making up for the last 2days that i went psycho on him, who knows? However, it doesn’t matter if i’m doing it for him or not. Truth is, i should’ve stopped a long time ago and stopping at this time will be good for me. Better late than never...
I do hope that my relationship comes through unscathed because it’ll be really sad to have to leave him at the exact same time i stopped smoking... Really sad indeed and i hate sad.....
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Bee

PS: We managed to patch things up and i’m grateful for that...