THE SEARCH...

Where is thine face? Oh, where is it?
Turned away from me like a person does blinding sun...
Like a person lost i search, search for it.
Trying to find that will i once had
Hoping it’ll find me if i don’t find it first...
Lost, like one on the high waters with no compass...
Find me, i pray thee...
I don’t want to be
Lost.....



Sometimes when we know our failures, the last thing we want is to be reminded of them... At the moment, i know where i have failed and believe me, my everyday life is reminder enough. Having someone throw it in my face is just devastating... That idiot Button, did that today and i’m still more than a little peeved...
I guess it was my fault... I brought it down on my own head and i have no one to blame but myself. I wouldn’t even think to blame him anyway... After all the insults he rained on me last week, i don’t know why i thought anything could change... I called him 2days later to let him know how i felt about the things he said to me hoping for an apology but i got none. Instead, he started trying to explain why he did what he did and trying to get himself out of saying the words ‘i’m sorry’... Ran out of credits while talking to him but when he didn’t call back, i thought that was that...
Now, my girlfriend ‘G’ came over yesterday to spend the weekend and i had plans to take her out... While i was cooking, Button called to ask me if i wanted to go see a movie with him and i told him i already had plans to go out with my friend... We went out, had a lot of fun and got very drunk... Even ran into ‘Dave’ while out and spoke to him for a few minutes before giving him a kiss and sending him on his merry way... I was taking a nap this afternoon when Button rang me to ask where i was. Told him i was home, asleep... About 15mins later, someone started shaking me awake. Woke up to find him standing there in my bedroom and his friend (whom he came with) was sitting in the living room looking at me... I was disoriented so, i said hello and walked outside to my tiny balcony to get some air (there was no light)... After standing there for several minutes, i called him out and started trying to make him understand that all i wanted from him was friendship... He didn’t even let me finish but started talking... I kept quiet and listened but had to tell him to shut it when i couldn’t take it anymore... The things that stood out out of everything he said were ‘’u’re 30 and i’m 35, we are past that stage in our lives where we play games’’ ‘’you are old enough to know what you want, yet you don’t’’ ‘’i have passed that stage where i surround myself with people who have trouble paying their rent, all my friends are well off like me’’... There were other stuff said but this will do...
Why, oh why did he feel the need to remind me of my age? Did he think i didn’t know it? What has being 30 got to do with the price of petrol? And games? Playing games? Oh please..... Contrary to what he thinks, i do know what i want... Unfortunately for him, it’s not him or anyone like him... Then, what was that about people who can’t pay their rent? I should’ve known better than to tell a former gigolo that i have money issues... How soon we forget? He seems to have forgotten that when we were dating, i was the one who he came to when he has money trouble and i always, always helped him out. It’s not like i’ve ever asked the idiot for money... Psssssssssssssssssst.
I know that i have failed in my career and in my personal life... Made mistakes... Biggest of them was closing down my shops... If i hadn’t done that, i wouldn’t have trouble taking care of my business but i already did that... There’s no use crying over spilled milk... I recognised me failure and i’m moving away from it with the hope of finding fulfilment somehow... It’ll be nice to know that i won’t fail again but seeing someone who constantly reminds me of how i failed in my life isn’t something i need. Better to kick their ass to the gutter because the curb is too close to my road...
So, i’ll keep searching for my will which i seem to have lost somehow with the hope that i find it or it finds me, whichever happens first...
XXXX
Bee