I just realized there is a difference between anger and rage... Anger means the strong feeling that you have when something has happened that you think is bad or unfair while Rage means a feeling of violent anger that is difficult to control.
I'd always thought that anger begets rage and boy, was i right... All i'd been feeling in a while was rage and i hope i'm finally spent. Until recently, the last time i've been this out of control was in 1996 when i fought with my brother... I hate feeling like this... I don't want to feel like this. I need to be the cool, calm, collected, always acts like a lady me... Unfortunately, things are spiralling out of control at the moment.
Why oh why do i have to let emotions take over me? I've always been the hard one. Now, it seems like i'm feeling too much. Way too much...
All these emotions that i never knew i could feel have now come out of nowhere to mess me up. I'm usually indifferent and until now, i didn't realize how lucky i was to be that way. I NEED ME BACK, right now!!! My younger siblings who live with me probably think i've gone quite mad!!!
I need help... It's official... I need a shrink... Can anyone tell me where i can find one in Lagos???
XXXX
Bee
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX... part 2
I like my steak well done... No rare, medium or the like... I'm Nigerian and here, nobody eats food that isn't properly cooked. We'd rather not eat if there's no option of cooking it properly. The only thing i'll eat raw is salad (it's supposed to be) and sushi. Everything else needs to be well done...
It may seem like i'm talking a lot of rubbish but like i said, i've done the legwork... I know our society has a problem with women talking boldly about these things but the truth is, i've had my fair share of sex with men... Different men (if that makes you conclude i'm a slut, good for you)... I don't think anyone would believe me if i say that at less than 3months to 30, i've only had sex with 2men...
First time i had sex in my life, it was a horrific experience... Complete and absolute pain... I figured i was better of not doing it again ever but then i met someone... We dated a while before venturing in the bedroom department. I mean, dating for about 6months or so with no sex. The guy was frustrated, i was afraid... When we finally did, it was..... Still painful but i wanted to please him and i asked him how but he said nothing... Maybe he was shy, maybe he had no idea... To this day, i don't know and i probably never will because i don't know where he is now...
My first kiss was amazing... I was quite young and he was my friend... I'd gone to cut my hair (i carried it very short at the time) and he walked me there... When we were leaving, he suddenly pulled me under the stairs and kissed me. Boy, oh boy... My knees turned to jelly and i had no idea why. I just knew that when he finally let me go, i couldn't stand so i sat on the last rung for a few minutes to get myself together... After i left my man much later, i went to him because we were still friends and i figured since he could kiss really good, he'll probably be better... Unfortunately, he was a guy who 'wrote short stories' and we never could have sex. How do you have sex with a guy who cums in your hand 10seconds after you've started touching him?
Then i met ID... This guy was amazing... He taught me almost everything i know about sex (though i still don't know enough, i've found) and the sex was amazing... He could go on forever. He had a lot of tricks up his sleeves and everytime was different. He was a selfless lover and i could've stayed with him if he didn't have to leave to work abroad... I don't do long-distance, sorry...
When he left, i wanted another like him. I was sorely disappointed. As a matter of fact, i'm still searching...
I know, i know, our memories makes the past look better than it really was but this is one past that didn't change because i had sex with him again early last year and it was still the same if not better... My mind didn't re-touch that memory...
When i met The Brit a year later, i'd almost given up on good sex. In my mind, men were selfish and just didn't care about giving back as much pleasure as they recieve but in his case, it was not so... Nope, not at all. He was so good that even now, if i'm horny and i'm not dating, i call him and vice versa... With him, i fulfilled almost every fantasy i have (except 2 that i'll write about someday soon)... On the beach, shower, hotel balcony, office, chair... Name it, we did it... He has a very active imagination that wouldn't hurt other men to have and when he feels pleasure, he lets you know it... And that for me, is the best ever...
One of the men i almost married was terrible... Just terrible... First time we did it, it was a short story. I thought that happened because he'd been chasing me a long time and we'd been dating about a month before we did it but when it happened again the next time, i asked what the problem was. He said there was no problem and he enjoyed it... What? I couldn't believe it!!! Told him if he wanted to be with me, he had to step up his game. I wasn't going to be with a man who kisses me and does nothing else except cum when he's getting a BJ and decides that was it. No way in hell was that happening and i told him this point blank. When he realised i was serious, he asked what he could do... I took my time to teach him everything i knew including endurance. Unfortunately, he decided to share my hard work with others including the girl i caught him in bed with when i came in early from a trip...
After that, it just went downhill... There was the guy who liked rimming (anal licking for those who don't know) and of course i wasn't going to do that... The one who keeps pushing my head to his penis for a blowjob even though the hair he had down there was longer/fuller than what i had on my head at the time and the proffesor (another who wanted to marry me) who couldn't even kiss well to save his life. Sex with him was worse than imaginable... I couldn't even begin to imagine what life with him will be like...
There was one who always complained that i 'do not fuck him properly'... Why should i? When all you do is lie there and say 'baby, pls come on top' without bothering to get me in the mood... A perfunctionary kiss, a grope and then he reaches for a condom. Tried several times to tell him how to get me on but he got upset so, i left him.
I had one whose touch was painful and he had a habit of hitting my butt or kicking it. Whatever catches his fancy at the time... He kisses good but has no idea what to do with my nipples. Intercourse is like an exercise to him and he sweats all over me. The most annoying part was having him pour lubricant all over my vagina like that'll make up for not being able to get the juices flowing. It probably did for him but it wasn't working for me at all and i told him this several times... Decided to do to him what i'd like done to me. Kiss him all over, explore but he didn't get the message and i started getting in a bad mood everytime he tries to have sex with me so, i left him too...
I have a habit of leaving, i know... It's just i have no patience. Tried it once and it ended up badly so, i decided patience was not my thing. I've been accused of changing boyfriends every 3months but what am i to do?
I shouldn't be the only one moaning or the like. It's annoying having sex with a man who just lies there and looks at you moving up and down and round and round. It's a bit frustrating. I've heard men complain about women who lie just there and wiggle a little. Isn't that where the term 'cold fish' comes from? A friend once told me that she enjoys sex more when the man she's with lets her know that she's pleasing him and no, that doesn't include ''baby, you're sweet''.
Unfortunately for men, we've all gotten so good at faking orgasms that they can no longer tell. Another friend told me a couple weeks ago that she's tired of faking it, she would like to have it for real and the truth is, so would i... I'm really tired of bad sex, really... I need a man who's not afraid to talk to me, accept me the way i am as i will he and to give me good sex... I like to be touched... I like to cuddle... I like to give and recieve pleasure and if i'm not getting that, there's no point really...
What can i say? If i have to have it, it has to be well done...
XXXX
Bee
It may seem like i'm talking a lot of rubbish but like i said, i've done the legwork... I know our society has a problem with women talking boldly about these things but the truth is, i've had my fair share of sex with men... Different men (if that makes you conclude i'm a slut, good for you)... I don't think anyone would believe me if i say that at less than 3months to 30, i've only had sex with 2men...
First time i had sex in my life, it was a horrific experience... Complete and absolute pain... I figured i was better of not doing it again ever but then i met someone... We dated a while before venturing in the bedroom department. I mean, dating for about 6months or so with no sex. The guy was frustrated, i was afraid... When we finally did, it was..... Still painful but i wanted to please him and i asked him how but he said nothing... Maybe he was shy, maybe he had no idea... To this day, i don't know and i probably never will because i don't know where he is now...
My first kiss was amazing... I was quite young and he was my friend... I'd gone to cut my hair (i carried it very short at the time) and he walked me there... When we were leaving, he suddenly pulled me under the stairs and kissed me. Boy, oh boy... My knees turned to jelly and i had no idea why. I just knew that when he finally let me go, i couldn't stand so i sat on the last rung for a few minutes to get myself together... After i left my man much later, i went to him because we were still friends and i figured since he could kiss really good, he'll probably be better... Unfortunately, he was a guy who 'wrote short stories' and we never could have sex. How do you have sex with a guy who cums in your hand 10seconds after you've started touching him?
Then i met ID... This guy was amazing... He taught me almost everything i know about sex (though i still don't know enough, i've found) and the sex was amazing... He could go on forever. He had a lot of tricks up his sleeves and everytime was different. He was a selfless lover and i could've stayed with him if he didn't have to leave to work abroad... I don't do long-distance, sorry...
When he left, i wanted another like him. I was sorely disappointed. As a matter of fact, i'm still searching...
I know, i know, our memories makes the past look better than it really was but this is one past that didn't change because i had sex with him again early last year and it was still the same if not better... My mind didn't re-touch that memory...
When i met The Brit a year later, i'd almost given up on good sex. In my mind, men were selfish and just didn't care about giving back as much pleasure as they recieve but in his case, it was not so... Nope, not at all. He was so good that even now, if i'm horny and i'm not dating, i call him and vice versa... With him, i fulfilled almost every fantasy i have (except 2 that i'll write about someday soon)... On the beach, shower, hotel balcony, office, chair... Name it, we did it... He has a very active imagination that wouldn't hurt other men to have and when he feels pleasure, he lets you know it... And that for me, is the best ever...
One of the men i almost married was terrible... Just terrible... First time we did it, it was a short story. I thought that happened because he'd been chasing me a long time and we'd been dating about a month before we did it but when it happened again the next time, i asked what the problem was. He said there was no problem and he enjoyed it... What? I couldn't believe it!!! Told him if he wanted to be with me, he had to step up his game. I wasn't going to be with a man who kisses me and does nothing else except cum when he's getting a BJ and decides that was it. No way in hell was that happening and i told him this point blank. When he realised i was serious, he asked what he could do... I took my time to teach him everything i knew including endurance. Unfortunately, he decided to share my hard work with others including the girl i caught him in bed with when i came in early from a trip...
After that, it just went downhill... There was the guy who liked rimming (anal licking for those who don't know) and of course i wasn't going to do that... The one who keeps pushing my head to his penis for a blowjob even though the hair he had down there was longer/fuller than what i had on my head at the time and the proffesor (another who wanted to marry me) who couldn't even kiss well to save his life. Sex with him was worse than imaginable... I couldn't even begin to imagine what life with him will be like...
There was one who always complained that i 'do not fuck him properly'... Why should i? When all you do is lie there and say 'baby, pls come on top' without bothering to get me in the mood... A perfunctionary kiss, a grope and then he reaches for a condom. Tried several times to tell him how to get me on but he got upset so, i left him.
I had one whose touch was painful and he had a habit of hitting my butt or kicking it. Whatever catches his fancy at the time... He kisses good but has no idea what to do with my nipples. Intercourse is like an exercise to him and he sweats all over me. The most annoying part was having him pour lubricant all over my vagina like that'll make up for not being able to get the juices flowing. It probably did for him but it wasn't working for me at all and i told him this several times... Decided to do to him what i'd like done to me. Kiss him all over, explore but he didn't get the message and i started getting in a bad mood everytime he tries to have sex with me so, i left him too...
I have a habit of leaving, i know... It's just i have no patience. Tried it once and it ended up badly so, i decided patience was not my thing. I've been accused of changing boyfriends every 3months but what am i to do?
I shouldn't be the only one moaning or the like. It's annoying having sex with a man who just lies there and looks at you moving up and down and round and round. It's a bit frustrating. I've heard men complain about women who lie just there and wiggle a little. Isn't that where the term 'cold fish' comes from? A friend once told me that she enjoys sex more when the man she's with lets her know that she's pleasing him and no, that doesn't include ''baby, you're sweet''.
Unfortunately for men, we've all gotten so good at faking orgasms that they can no longer tell. Another friend told me a couple weeks ago that she's tired of faking it, she would like to have it for real and the truth is, so would i... I'm really tired of bad sex, really... I need a man who's not afraid to talk to me, accept me the way i am as i will he and to give me good sex... I like to be touched... I like to cuddle... I like to give and recieve pleasure and if i'm not getting that, there's no point really...
What can i say? If i have to have it, it has to be well done...
XXXX
Bee
Sunday, March 14, 2010
LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX... part 1
They were kissing in the living room and things were getting intense but he decided they should take things to the bedroom... She was hot for him... Dripping with love juice and was in a rush to get him naked. They fell in bed with clothes flying whichever way and underwear tangled around their legs... She wanted to give him pleasure... Kissing his neck, she went lower to his nipples, kissing still... Lower she went to his stomach, then lower and to the side nibbling... Wanting to taste him all over, she went lower still passing his nether regions to his thighs, legs, feet and back up again to his inner thigh till he was begging for more... She found him with her mouth while her hands were still exploring... Tasting, touching, licking, nibbling like a child would a lollipop... He screamed her name and told her ''babe, i want to pleasure you too'' then he pulled her up, dropped her on her back and reached into his nightstand.....
I am no longer having sex... I figure it's better to have no sex at all than have bad sex... It's been so long since my last orgasm that i'm unsure i'll know it if it walks up to me and gives me a very dirty slap right on my cheek.
What is going on with men these days? Is it that they spend so much time in the pursuit of money that they've forgotten how to enjoy simple pleasures or even return the favour? Maybe the problem is just the men i meet... Maybe not...
Now, there's something wrong with the scenerio above... What did he reach into his nighstand for? A condom... What? After all that? What about the girl? What's wrong with touching her too? Going down on her just like she did him? Some men say it's easier for a woman to give a man a blowjob that the other way round... I'm thinking, how do you know that? Have you tried to give a man one to back up that theory? Psssssssssssssssssssssssst....
The other day i was discussing it with some single girlfriends of mine and they all seem to be having the same issues... Why would a man want to have sex if his mind isn't in it? Better yet, why do they expect the woman to give when they won't give back? My girlfriends told me about some of the bad sex they've hard... They go from bad to very very painful... I was even given a few descriptions... Visual descriptions... I laughed till i almost fell of my bed.
There's the kind who is all toned... Obviously spends a lot of time in the gym just to look good naked. He has sex in front of the mirror while checking himself out... Some in this group do it like they are doing the last of the push-ups they couldn't get done at the gym.
Another is the one who has a penis that could pass for a lipstick vibrator (the kind some women i know keep in their purses) and would make a lot of noise about how size doesn't matter but it's how you use it that counts... They end up a huge disappointment in the sack and the only reason the girl doesn't tell him to stop is just so she's not the girl that left him with blue balls... She spends the whole time enduring the torture, worried that she might end up with bruises. When they're done, they look at her and ask... Babe, did you cum? What????? If she did you'd know, wouldn't you?
There's also the guy with the extra large penis who doesn't know what to do with his tool or his hands or even mouth for that matter. Leaving a girl with bruises and keeps going even when she try telling him it hurts... Afterwards, she's reduced to bathing her vagina with hot water to help relieve the pain and then end up not being able to wear jeans for several days to avoid abrasions...
Or is it the lazy guy who just cannot be bothered to man up and stay on top but asks the girl to be on top only for him to cum in exactly 22seconds? Oh, there's nothing wrong with the woman being on top but if she does that only for him to cum in that time, she'd have preffered he asked for a handjob or something...
There'a the group who'll go down on a woman only to bathe her with so much saliva or almost finish a can of lubricant inside, she'll feel so rotten that the sex will no longer be pleasurable no matter what the guy does... Why it has to be so wet, i have no idea... It's a vagina, not a pool...
Some guys just don't know where the clitoris is... Quoting Miranda from my favourite series sex and the city, 'it's my vagina, not the sphinx'... This practice really worries me... Pulling on the labia will not help you find it, all you have to do is ASK...
And what's with the squeezing of breasts like they are oranges? Or pulling hard on the nipples? We are women, our breasts get tender when we ovulate, have our periods or are pregnant... When we stay stop, we mean it... If we enjoy it, we won't push your hand away?
One thing a lot of men forget is that just as we're different, so are our tastes... If Jane likes getting her nipples bitten, doesn't mean that Alice would too... Just because 5women have told the man he's the best, he expects woman number 6 to say the same... In some cases, woman number 6 may have had better or her tastes may just be different. It doesn't mean the man is bad in bed, it just means that he needs to try to understand her body better... Or ASK her what she likes sexually...
I have had good, bad, downright rubbish, outrageous and absolutely delightful... I've even being with the kind who try to practice chilvary during sex... Trust me, i've done the legwork...
Unfortunately, this post will be too long if i write my personal experiences now... I'll do that tomorrow.....
XXXX
Bee
I am no longer having sex... I figure it's better to have no sex at all than have bad sex... It's been so long since my last orgasm that i'm unsure i'll know it if it walks up to me and gives me a very dirty slap right on my cheek.
What is going on with men these days? Is it that they spend so much time in the pursuit of money that they've forgotten how to enjoy simple pleasures or even return the favour? Maybe the problem is just the men i meet... Maybe not...
Now, there's something wrong with the scenerio above... What did he reach into his nighstand for? A condom... What? After all that? What about the girl? What's wrong with touching her too? Going down on her just like she did him? Some men say it's easier for a woman to give a man a blowjob that the other way round... I'm thinking, how do you know that? Have you tried to give a man one to back up that theory? Psssssssssssssssssssssssst....
The other day i was discussing it with some single girlfriends of mine and they all seem to be having the same issues... Why would a man want to have sex if his mind isn't in it? Better yet, why do they expect the woman to give when they won't give back? My girlfriends told me about some of the bad sex they've hard... They go from bad to very very painful... I was even given a few descriptions... Visual descriptions... I laughed till i almost fell of my bed.
There's the kind who is all toned... Obviously spends a lot of time in the gym just to look good naked. He has sex in front of the mirror while checking himself out... Some in this group do it like they are doing the last of the push-ups they couldn't get done at the gym.
Another is the one who has a penis that could pass for a lipstick vibrator (the kind some women i know keep in their purses) and would make a lot of noise about how size doesn't matter but it's how you use it that counts... They end up a huge disappointment in the sack and the only reason the girl doesn't tell him to stop is just so she's not the girl that left him with blue balls... She spends the whole time enduring the torture, worried that she might end up with bruises. When they're done, they look at her and ask... Babe, did you cum? What????? If she did you'd know, wouldn't you?
There's also the guy with the extra large penis who doesn't know what to do with his tool or his hands or even mouth for that matter. Leaving a girl with bruises and keeps going even when she try telling him it hurts... Afterwards, she's reduced to bathing her vagina with hot water to help relieve the pain and then end up not being able to wear jeans for several days to avoid abrasions...
Or is it the lazy guy who just cannot be bothered to man up and stay on top but asks the girl to be on top only for him to cum in exactly 22seconds? Oh, there's nothing wrong with the woman being on top but if she does that only for him to cum in that time, she'd have preffered he asked for a handjob or something...
There'a the group who'll go down on a woman only to bathe her with so much saliva or almost finish a can of lubricant inside, she'll feel so rotten that the sex will no longer be pleasurable no matter what the guy does... Why it has to be so wet, i have no idea... It's a vagina, not a pool...
Some guys just don't know where the clitoris is... Quoting Miranda from my favourite series sex and the city, 'it's my vagina, not the sphinx'... This practice really worries me... Pulling on the labia will not help you find it, all you have to do is ASK...
And what's with the squeezing of breasts like they are oranges? Or pulling hard on the nipples? We are women, our breasts get tender when we ovulate, have our periods or are pregnant... When we stay stop, we mean it... If we enjoy it, we won't push your hand away?
One thing a lot of men forget is that just as we're different, so are our tastes... If Jane likes getting her nipples bitten, doesn't mean that Alice would too... Just because 5women have told the man he's the best, he expects woman number 6 to say the same... In some cases, woman number 6 may have had better or her tastes may just be different. It doesn't mean the man is bad in bed, it just means that he needs to try to understand her body better... Or ASK her what she likes sexually...
I have had good, bad, downright rubbish, outrageous and absolutely delightful... I've even being with the kind who try to practice chilvary during sex... Trust me, i've done the legwork...
Unfortunately, this post will be too long if i write my personal experiences now... I'll do that tomorrow.....
XXXX
Bee
Saturday, March 13, 2010
DRUNK!!!!!
Last night was the night i got drunk..... I do not mean tipsy, no but drunk... I still can't believe that after all these years of alcoholic beverage consumption, this is the day i'd get drunk...
Yesterday, i woke up early and went to my friend's shop so we could go see the house she wants me to help her decorate. I'd stopped by the market before i got there to take care of some business... Making a dress for my sister's traditional marriage, buying pearls, the like... Then i spent quite some time waiting for her. It's hot as hell in Lagos and every second spent in the sun feels like 12mins... Finally got home about 5pm and immediately started making jewellery until 10pm when i took a shower, got dressed and went out to meet friends... Luckily, 'D' came with a cab (she didn't want to drive) and i decided to also skip driving and jump in with her and 'K' and my sis... That turned out to be a very good decision... There we were with a bottle of whisky, good music, about 12girls having a blast when i sat down to realise that my knees wouldn't co-operate the next time i tried to stand up. D suggested we leave and i was thankful... The headache started in the cab and it just went downhill from there... I slept in the cab all the way home after sticking my finger down my throat while waiting outside were D went to buy some food... I needed to rid myself of some of the alcohol... Took my shoes off in the cab, walked into the house and took off my earrings, bracelet and wristwatch and that was the last thing i remembered... When i opened my eyes, i felt a tightness around my waist and that was when i realised that my belt was still on... What really woke me up was heat... The generator had been turned off as it was 10am and the leather look pants i had on were making me sweat... My mouth felt like there was a ball of cotton wool in it and my head felt like there were a few dozen devils marching around in there... It wasn't a good feeling.
Before i got drunk, it was real fun at auto lounge where we were... The decor had been altered a little to incorporate a really sexy black leather bed... First thing i did when i walked in was to go lie on it and D followed suit until a bouncer came to tell her that she had to take off her heels so as not to punch holes in the leather... 'These shoes are more expensive than that bed' she told him... I had to laugh... D and her shoes!!! Could have been more fun if i hadn't gotten drunk but i'm glad i didn't completely embarrass myself in public... Guess i could say it serves me right for drinking on an empty stomach... I have now decided to stay away from alcohol for some time. It wouldn't do well to be the one who gets drunk everyday...
XXXX
Bee
Yesterday, i woke up early and went to my friend's shop so we could go see the house she wants me to help her decorate. I'd stopped by the market before i got there to take care of some business... Making a dress for my sister's traditional marriage, buying pearls, the like... Then i spent quite some time waiting for her. It's hot as hell in Lagos and every second spent in the sun feels like 12mins... Finally got home about 5pm and immediately started making jewellery until 10pm when i took a shower, got dressed and went out to meet friends... Luckily, 'D' came with a cab (she didn't want to drive) and i decided to also skip driving and jump in with her and 'K' and my sis... That turned out to be a very good decision... There we were with a bottle of whisky, good music, about 12girls having a blast when i sat down to realise that my knees wouldn't co-operate the next time i tried to stand up. D suggested we leave and i was thankful... The headache started in the cab and it just went downhill from there... I slept in the cab all the way home after sticking my finger down my throat while waiting outside were D went to buy some food... I needed to rid myself of some of the alcohol... Took my shoes off in the cab, walked into the house and took off my earrings, bracelet and wristwatch and that was the last thing i remembered... When i opened my eyes, i felt a tightness around my waist and that was when i realised that my belt was still on... What really woke me up was heat... The generator had been turned off as it was 10am and the leather look pants i had on were making me sweat... My mouth felt like there was a ball of cotton wool in it and my head felt like there were a few dozen devils marching around in there... It wasn't a good feeling.
Before i got drunk, it was real fun at auto lounge where we were... The decor had been altered a little to incorporate a really sexy black leather bed... First thing i did when i walked in was to go lie on it and D followed suit until a bouncer came to tell her that she had to take off her heels so as not to punch holes in the leather... 'These shoes are more expensive than that bed' she told him... I had to laugh... D and her shoes!!! Could have been more fun if i hadn't gotten drunk but i'm glad i didn't completely embarrass myself in public... Guess i could say it serves me right for drinking on an empty stomach... I have now decided to stay away from alcohol for some time. It wouldn't do well to be the one who gets drunk everyday...
XXXX
Bee
Thursday, March 11, 2010
TO DO... OR NOT TO DO???
Yesterday, i met someone whose girlfriend of 11years just broke up with him... What they were both doing for 11years beats the hell out of me.
This whole dating business is really funny. When i’ve decided i no longer want to date but just go with the flow, i now start getting chased all over the place by guys who think i’ll make a good girlfriend... I wonder where they’ve been in the last 2years...
All of a sudden i’m meeting guys whose age match mine and who are comfortable in their own right. Before now, i only ever met guys who were younger than i am, broke and have a confused image of me... Because i am who i am, i decided to take a step back and watch other people go about the business of dating but not get involved... For someone’s who’s been dating for almost 14years, it’s a hell of a set back... Next year, I’ll probably echo Charlotte of ‘sex and the city’ who said... ‘’I’ve been dating for 15years, where is he’’ or maybe not, there’s time yet.
In exactly 3months and 2days, i’ll turn 30... How i feel about that, i have no idea yet but we’ll see... I’ve passed the point in my life where i can date a guy for another 5years or so before the relationship is defined... I certainly am not going to date someone who just got out of an 11year relationship... That’ll be dating suicide... Dead before beginning... In his eyes at the moment, every girl is the same as the girl that just left him. Last thing i want to be is anyone’s re-bound, heaven forbid that should happen...
Sex on the other hand, is something entirely different... There’s a reason coupling is divided into 2. Sex and making love... In my opinion, love making is for people in love while sex, is for people who just want to scratch an itch... Now, i have an itch that needs scratching... Since the bloke was so fine, i thought, why not with him? Unfortunately, he’s small... When i say small, i mean small or like he said, average... I understood why his girlfriend left him the minute i was introduced to his penis... Ahhh... not for me... I kinda prefer my man errmmm..... longer??? He doesn’t have to be porn star big but big enough to scratch the itch because it never itches on the surface and if all i’m satisfied with is oral sex, i’ll consider becoming a lesbian... And what’s the deal with some guys? You lean in for a kiss, i get closer with my eyes half-closed only to get your tongue all over my face and having to wipe your saliva off my face... Christ... That’s my friend’s definition of kissing like a fish... If i wanted saliva all over my face, i know where to get some... Hello, i also have salivary glands...
I left... but while taking a nap this afternoon, he called to ask me out to dinner. I didn’t think he’d do that, considering i told him he was too small for me but what do i know? He’s probably considering a penile enlargement but i would never really know now, would i? Unfortunately, i had to turn dinner down because i’ve had a hankering for yam and vegetables for 3days and had just sent my younger brother out for the ingredients to prepare it when he called... Ended up agreeing to drinks for much later... Nothing wrong with having a drink... It’s safe, doesn’t involve a bedroom and i’d have no reason to be rude... I have decided that he’ll be a good friend. I’ll introduce him to a virgin if i meet one of those because they’re the only ones who wouldn’t mind being with a guy with a small ‘willy’... After all, they don’t have any prior experience...
XXXX
Bee
This whole dating business is really funny. When i’ve decided i no longer want to date but just go with the flow, i now start getting chased all over the place by guys who think i’ll make a good girlfriend... I wonder where they’ve been in the last 2years...
All of a sudden i’m meeting guys whose age match mine and who are comfortable in their own right. Before now, i only ever met guys who were younger than i am, broke and have a confused image of me... Because i am who i am, i decided to take a step back and watch other people go about the business of dating but not get involved... For someone’s who’s been dating for almost 14years, it’s a hell of a set back... Next year, I’ll probably echo Charlotte of ‘sex and the city’ who said... ‘’I’ve been dating for 15years, where is he’’ or maybe not, there’s time yet.
In exactly 3months and 2days, i’ll turn 30... How i feel about that, i have no idea yet but we’ll see... I’ve passed the point in my life where i can date a guy for another 5years or so before the relationship is defined... I certainly am not going to date someone who just got out of an 11year relationship... That’ll be dating suicide... Dead before beginning... In his eyes at the moment, every girl is the same as the girl that just left him. Last thing i want to be is anyone’s re-bound, heaven forbid that should happen...
Sex on the other hand, is something entirely different... There’s a reason coupling is divided into 2. Sex and making love... In my opinion, love making is for people in love while sex, is for people who just want to scratch an itch... Now, i have an itch that needs scratching... Since the bloke was so fine, i thought, why not with him? Unfortunately, he’s small... When i say small, i mean small or like he said, average... I understood why his girlfriend left him the minute i was introduced to his penis... Ahhh... not for me... I kinda prefer my man errmmm..... longer??? He doesn’t have to be porn star big but big enough to scratch the itch because it never itches on the surface and if all i’m satisfied with is oral sex, i’ll consider becoming a lesbian... And what’s the deal with some guys? You lean in for a kiss, i get closer with my eyes half-closed only to get your tongue all over my face and having to wipe your saliva off my face... Christ... That’s my friend’s definition of kissing like a fish... If i wanted saliva all over my face, i know where to get some... Hello, i also have salivary glands...
I left... but while taking a nap this afternoon, he called to ask me out to dinner. I didn’t think he’d do that, considering i told him he was too small for me but what do i know? He’s probably considering a penile enlargement but i would never really know now, would i? Unfortunately, i had to turn dinner down because i’ve had a hankering for yam and vegetables for 3days and had just sent my younger brother out for the ingredients to prepare it when he called... Ended up agreeing to drinks for much later... Nothing wrong with having a drink... It’s safe, doesn’t involve a bedroom and i’d have no reason to be rude... I have decided that he’ll be a good friend. I’ll introduce him to a virgin if i meet one of those because they’re the only ones who wouldn’t mind being with a guy with a small ‘willy’... After all, they don’t have any prior experience...
XXXX
Bee
Sunday, March 7, 2010
HE SAYS... SHE SAYS...
I always thought that gossip was a female thing... No, scrap that... Men always say that gossip is a female thing and that it's all women spend their time doing... What they didn't say is that many men do it too... They hide this from us so we do not call them ''Woman Wrapper'', the popular term used in Nigeria to describe men who behave like women... It's really sad when a man gets involved in women's ''that one told me u said that i told u she said'' issues... It sounds really silly when repeated and that's why i've been doing my best to avoid said issues...
So, i found myself on the recieving end of that bullet today... As a matter of fact, i got 2 bullets from the same person withing 3days and i'm sure you guessed correctly that it was a man, yes a man... The idiot who thinks he's way above everything and has these grand delusions about himself... The idiot i refer to as Button (of course, not his real name)...
Why he does that, i have no idea but it seems like he was starved of attention as a child so, he goes all out trying to get the attention he didn't get from his mother. Unfortunately for him, i'm not his mother and i have no time to humour idiots... If i didn't know he was a born liar, i may have but i know him for what he is... A pathological liar who weaves elaborate tales about himself in the hopes that someone would believe his stories...
What'd he do? He said someone said something then when he was confronted, he got aggressive and when he was ignored, he started whining and saying more bullshit...
After he insulted me yesterday, i sent him a text to say ''thanks for insulting me... yet again'' and i got over 8 insulting 3-in-1 text messages... Some were sent while i was still in church and i saw them when i came out. In one of them, he said an old friend of mine ''L'' told him i was a street girl and i stay online 24/7 looking for white men to sleep with for peanuts... I called this girl and she almost started crying... Told me she hadn't seen him in a really long time and she didn't know why he'd say something like that... Mind, this girl is a celebrity who's married with a child and usually very busy. I didn't believe for a minute she said anything like that to him but i just wanted to find out if she's been seeing him and if she was, for her to know the kind of person he was... She said she knew as we were still very close at the time i dated the goat but i still forwarded said message to her so she could read his words for herself...
Seems like he, like some other men i've seen see the word ''prostitute'' as the only weapon to attack a woman... Can they not think of other insults? Why do they do this? Why does he do this? He says i suffer from complexional delusions and chaotic depression and i need to see a shrink to fix me but he forgot to take a look at himself... He who tells so many lies that he starts believing them isn't delusional but i, who doesn't even bother with stories... When i broke up with him about 9years ago, he stood outside my house (where i'd pushed him) and rained insults on me till he ran out of steam... After all these years, he still can't handle rejection like a man...
My friend 'G' said to me after he left yesterday ''you sure do know how to pick them'' and that made me come to a realization... There's nothing wrong with my head... The only problem i have is my choice in men...
I'd spent a long time wondering if i had a serious poblem but i do not... I'm just someone who has pride and will not take insults of any kind from anyone... I'm sensitive and anyone i'm with who cannot understand that that's the way i am, need not bother with me because his insensitivity will only lead to resentment on my part... Besides, i have no time to stroke anyone's oversized ego... I am a wonderful person and anyone who's patient enough to take their time to get to know me, will find the diamond within...
As for me, i'm taking a break from men and concentrating on my career... Trying to be part of a couple is frustrating business and i've just about had it...
XXXX
Bee
So, i found myself on the recieving end of that bullet today... As a matter of fact, i got 2 bullets from the same person withing 3days and i'm sure you guessed correctly that it was a man, yes a man... The idiot who thinks he's way above everything and has these grand delusions about himself... The idiot i refer to as Button (of course, not his real name)...
Why he does that, i have no idea but it seems like he was starved of attention as a child so, he goes all out trying to get the attention he didn't get from his mother. Unfortunately for him, i'm not his mother and i have no time to humour idiots... If i didn't know he was a born liar, i may have but i know him for what he is... A pathological liar who weaves elaborate tales about himself in the hopes that someone would believe his stories...
What'd he do? He said someone said something then when he was confronted, he got aggressive and when he was ignored, he started whining and saying more bullshit...
After he insulted me yesterday, i sent him a text to say ''thanks for insulting me... yet again'' and i got over 8 insulting 3-in-1 text messages... Some were sent while i was still in church and i saw them when i came out. In one of them, he said an old friend of mine ''L'' told him i was a street girl and i stay online 24/7 looking for white men to sleep with for peanuts... I called this girl and she almost started crying... Told me she hadn't seen him in a really long time and she didn't know why he'd say something like that... Mind, this girl is a celebrity who's married with a child and usually very busy. I didn't believe for a minute she said anything like that to him but i just wanted to find out if she's been seeing him and if she was, for her to know the kind of person he was... She said she knew as we were still very close at the time i dated the goat but i still forwarded said message to her so she could read his words for herself...
Seems like he, like some other men i've seen see the word ''prostitute'' as the only weapon to attack a woman... Can they not think of other insults? Why do they do this? Why does he do this? He says i suffer from complexional delusions and chaotic depression and i need to see a shrink to fix me but he forgot to take a look at himself... He who tells so many lies that he starts believing them isn't delusional but i, who doesn't even bother with stories... When i broke up with him about 9years ago, he stood outside my house (where i'd pushed him) and rained insults on me till he ran out of steam... After all these years, he still can't handle rejection like a man...
My friend 'G' said to me after he left yesterday ''you sure do know how to pick them'' and that made me come to a realization... There's nothing wrong with my head... The only problem i have is my choice in men...
I'd spent a long time wondering if i had a serious poblem but i do not... I'm just someone who has pride and will not take insults of any kind from anyone... I'm sensitive and anyone i'm with who cannot understand that that's the way i am, need not bother with me because his insensitivity will only lead to resentment on my part... Besides, i have no time to stroke anyone's oversized ego... I am a wonderful person and anyone who's patient enough to take their time to get to know me, will find the diamond within...
As for me, i'm taking a break from men and concentrating on my career... Trying to be part of a couple is frustrating business and i've just about had it...
XXXX
Bee
Saturday, March 6, 2010
THE SEARCH...
Where is thine face? Oh, where is it?
Turned away from me like a person does blinding sun...
Like a person lost i search, search for it.
Trying to find that will i once had
Hoping it’ll find me if i don’t find it first...
Lost, like one on the high waters with no compass...
Find me, i pray thee...
I don’t want to be
Lost.....
Sometimes when we know our failures, the last thing we want is to be reminded of them... At the moment, i know where i have failed and believe me, my everyday life is reminder enough. Having someone throw it in my face is just devastating... That idiot Button, did that today and i’m still more than a little peeved...
I guess it was my fault... I brought it down on my own head and i have no one to blame but myself. I wouldn’t even think to blame him anyway... After all the insults he rained on me last week, i don’t know why i thought anything could change... I called him 2days later to let him know how i felt about the things he said to me hoping for an apology but i got none. Instead, he started trying to explain why he did what he did and trying to get himself out of saying the words ‘i’m sorry’... Ran out of credits while talking to him but when he didn’t call back, i thought that was that...
Now, my girlfriend ‘G’ came over yesterday to spend the weekend and i had plans to take her out... While i was cooking, Button called to ask me if i wanted to go see a movie with him and i told him i already had plans to go out with my friend... We went out, had a lot of fun and got very drunk... Even ran into ‘Dave’ while out and spoke to him for a few minutes before giving him a kiss and sending him on his merry way... I was taking a nap this afternoon when Button rang me to ask where i was. Told him i was home, asleep... About 15mins later, someone started shaking me awake. Woke up to find him standing there in my bedroom and his friend (whom he came with) was sitting in the living room looking at me... I was disoriented so, i said hello and walked outside to my tiny balcony to get some air (there was no light)... After standing there for several minutes, i called him out and started trying to make him understand that all i wanted from him was friendship... He didn’t even let me finish but started talking... I kept quiet and listened but had to tell him to shut it when i couldn’t take it anymore... The things that stood out out of everything he said were ‘’u’re 30 and i’m 35, we are past that stage in our lives where we play games’’ ‘’you are old enough to know what you want, yet you don’t’’ ‘’i have passed that stage where i surround myself with people who have trouble paying their rent, all my friends are well off like me’’... There were other stuff said but this will do...
Why, oh why did he feel the need to remind me of my age? Did he think i didn’t know it? What has being 30 got to do with the price of petrol? And games? Playing games? Oh please..... Contrary to what he thinks, i do know what i want... Unfortunately for him, it’s not him or anyone like him... Then, what was that about people who can’t pay their rent? I should’ve known better than to tell a former gigolo that i have money issues... How soon we forget? He seems to have forgotten that when we were dating, i was the one who he came to when he has money trouble and i always, always helped him out. It’s not like i’ve ever asked the idiot for money... Psssssssssssssssssst.
I know that i have failed in my career and in my personal life... Made mistakes... Biggest of them was closing down my shops... If i hadn’t done that, i wouldn’t have trouble taking care of my business but i already did that... There’s no use crying over spilled milk... I recognised me failure and i’m moving away from it with the hope of finding fulfilment somehow... It’ll be nice to know that i won’t fail again but seeing someone who constantly reminds me of how i failed in my life isn’t something i need. Better to kick their ass to the gutter because the curb is too close to my road...
So, i’ll keep searching for my will which i seem to have lost somehow with the hope that i find it or it finds me, whichever happens first...
XXXX
Bee
Turned away from me like a person does blinding sun...
Like a person lost i search, search for it.
Trying to find that will i once had
Hoping it’ll find me if i don’t find it first...
Lost, like one on the high waters with no compass...
Find me, i pray thee...
I don’t want to be
Lost.....
Sometimes when we know our failures, the last thing we want is to be reminded of them... At the moment, i know where i have failed and believe me, my everyday life is reminder enough. Having someone throw it in my face is just devastating... That idiot Button, did that today and i’m still more than a little peeved...
I guess it was my fault... I brought it down on my own head and i have no one to blame but myself. I wouldn’t even think to blame him anyway... After all the insults he rained on me last week, i don’t know why i thought anything could change... I called him 2days later to let him know how i felt about the things he said to me hoping for an apology but i got none. Instead, he started trying to explain why he did what he did and trying to get himself out of saying the words ‘i’m sorry’... Ran out of credits while talking to him but when he didn’t call back, i thought that was that...
Now, my girlfriend ‘G’ came over yesterday to spend the weekend and i had plans to take her out... While i was cooking, Button called to ask me if i wanted to go see a movie with him and i told him i already had plans to go out with my friend... We went out, had a lot of fun and got very drunk... Even ran into ‘Dave’ while out and spoke to him for a few minutes before giving him a kiss and sending him on his merry way... I was taking a nap this afternoon when Button rang me to ask where i was. Told him i was home, asleep... About 15mins later, someone started shaking me awake. Woke up to find him standing there in my bedroom and his friend (whom he came with) was sitting in the living room looking at me... I was disoriented so, i said hello and walked outside to my tiny balcony to get some air (there was no light)... After standing there for several minutes, i called him out and started trying to make him understand that all i wanted from him was friendship... He didn’t even let me finish but started talking... I kept quiet and listened but had to tell him to shut it when i couldn’t take it anymore... The things that stood out out of everything he said were ‘’u’re 30 and i’m 35, we are past that stage in our lives where we play games’’ ‘’you are old enough to know what you want, yet you don’t’’ ‘’i have passed that stage where i surround myself with people who have trouble paying their rent, all my friends are well off like me’’... There were other stuff said but this will do...
Why, oh why did he feel the need to remind me of my age? Did he think i didn’t know it? What has being 30 got to do with the price of petrol? And games? Playing games? Oh please..... Contrary to what he thinks, i do know what i want... Unfortunately for him, it’s not him or anyone like him... Then, what was that about people who can’t pay their rent? I should’ve known better than to tell a former gigolo that i have money issues... How soon we forget? He seems to have forgotten that when we were dating, i was the one who he came to when he has money trouble and i always, always helped him out. It’s not like i’ve ever asked the idiot for money... Psssssssssssssssssst.
I know that i have failed in my career and in my personal life... Made mistakes... Biggest of them was closing down my shops... If i hadn’t done that, i wouldn’t have trouble taking care of my business but i already did that... There’s no use crying over spilled milk... I recognised me failure and i’m moving away from it with the hope of finding fulfilment somehow... It’ll be nice to know that i won’t fail again but seeing someone who constantly reminds me of how i failed in my life isn’t something i need. Better to kick their ass to the gutter because the curb is too close to my road...
So, i’ll keep searching for my will which i seem to have lost somehow with the hope that i find it or it finds me, whichever happens first...
XXXX
Bee
Monday, March 1, 2010
LOVE... WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
Oxford dictionary meaning of Love:AFFECTION 1 a strong feeling of deep afftection for something/someone, especially a member of your family or a friend. ROMANTIC 2 a strong feeling of affection for somebody that you are sexually attracted to. ENJOYMENT 3 the strong feeling of enjoyment that something gives you. SB/STH YOU LIKE 4 a person, a thing or an activity that you like very much. FRIENDLY NAME 5 a word used as a friendly way of addressing somebody. IN TENNIS 6 a score of zero...
Okay, the last explanation is not valid... It was just for laughs... There are several other meanings but it all boils down to one thing... Deep affection.
So, why does a word with so simple a meaning constitute a lot of trouble to the human race? We all go round and round looking for a deeper meaning to the word but the truth is, it can't be found because it just that... A simple word with a simple meaning...
A very good friend of mine asked me a question today with the intention of making me bother my beautiful head thinking about it... The hows and the whys... He succeeded because since he asked the question, it's all i can think about... I've answered, discarded the answers and then came up with other explanations and so forth but the truth is, i can't really answer his question... What was the question? Here it is... 'why is it so easy to fall in love but hard to stay in love?'
I thought and thought and thought about it but couldn't come up with an answer that really made sense. Decided to rest on this conclusion... It is in human nature to be fickle. I know the saying goes that 'there's no one as fickle as a fag' but the truth is, fags aren't the only ones who are fickle... All humans are... We decide we want something and the moment we get it, we decide we want something else then, walk away from the first one we got that we thought we really wanted... How's that for starters? There's also the dis-satisfaction with everything/everyone that's not the way we expect them to be... Too many expectations are usually detrimental to emotions... Even computers that can be programmed to one's desires tend to mess up after a while much less human beings who have their own thought process...
Another friend of mine told me once that she wished men came with operation manuals... I laughed the first time she said it but after much thought, i had to agree with her... Don't we all wish that there were windows to other people's souls so we can see the way their minds work? It'll be nice to know what the other is thinking as every point but like everything in life, there are pros and cons hence the necessity of lies... Truth is, we can not all handle the truth, the ugly truth. Sometimes we prefer to believe a lie than to hear the God's honest truth of a situation or one's self...
I read somewhere sometime ago (can't remember where, i read too much) that women spend their whole lives looking for 'Mr Perfect' but when they find him, they proceed to try to change him beyond recognition... I thought this was wrong but because of the kind of person i am who's never satisfied until 100% sure, i decided to investigate... Turned out that whoever wrote that was on the mark. Many women i know keep trying to change their men into an idea they've either read somewhere or imagined. It was a humbling discovery and i couldn't believe how right the person who wrote that was...
On the question of love, i see it happen everyday... People fall in and out of love on a daily basis. I always wondered how someone could say they were madly in love with another person today then 3yrs down the line, they decide they love someone else and cannot abide the one they were 'madly' in love with earlier... This is really hard for me to deal with because in my own case, i've only ever really been in love once in my life and almost 11years later, i still love him as much as i did the first time i realised i had fallen in love with him. Don't get me wrong, there are times when he drives me nuts but that has never made me fall out of love with him... In my theory, once you fall in love with a person or a thing, you'll always love them but that is my POV... Everyone's got theirs...
Over the years, truth be told, i've loved but have i been in love again? No... And that's not for lack of trying... I only stopped trying when i realised that one cannot make one's self fall in love, it happens naturally...
I believe there's a difference between 'loving' and 'being in love' with something or someone... For instance, i fell in love with Alicia Keys' music when i heard her first album 'songs in A minor' and i still am even now with her new Album 'Element of Freedom' and all the others in between... I love Ella Fitzgerald but i wouldn't always listen to her songs like i do Alicia Keys... This might not make sense to other people but it does to me...
Wherefore i say, go ye out and don't be afraid to fall in love and stay in love... It's better to fall in love with the real than the imagined... Don't fall in love with what someone represents, the image you have of them or an idea that came about in you head but do so for who the person is... That way, there are no surprises...
XXXX
Bee
Okay, the last explanation is not valid... It was just for laughs... There are several other meanings but it all boils down to one thing... Deep affection.
So, why does a word with so simple a meaning constitute a lot of trouble to the human race? We all go round and round looking for a deeper meaning to the word but the truth is, it can't be found because it just that... A simple word with a simple meaning...
A very good friend of mine asked me a question today with the intention of making me bother my beautiful head thinking about it... The hows and the whys... He succeeded because since he asked the question, it's all i can think about... I've answered, discarded the answers and then came up with other explanations and so forth but the truth is, i can't really answer his question... What was the question? Here it is... 'why is it so easy to fall in love but hard to stay in love?'
I thought and thought and thought about it but couldn't come up with an answer that really made sense. Decided to rest on this conclusion... It is in human nature to be fickle. I know the saying goes that 'there's no one as fickle as a fag' but the truth is, fags aren't the only ones who are fickle... All humans are... We decide we want something and the moment we get it, we decide we want something else then, walk away from the first one we got that we thought we really wanted... How's that for starters? There's also the dis-satisfaction with everything/everyone that's not the way we expect them to be... Too many expectations are usually detrimental to emotions... Even computers that can be programmed to one's desires tend to mess up after a while much less human beings who have their own thought process...
Another friend of mine told me once that she wished men came with operation manuals... I laughed the first time she said it but after much thought, i had to agree with her... Don't we all wish that there were windows to other people's souls so we can see the way their minds work? It'll be nice to know what the other is thinking as every point but like everything in life, there are pros and cons hence the necessity of lies... Truth is, we can not all handle the truth, the ugly truth. Sometimes we prefer to believe a lie than to hear the God's honest truth of a situation or one's self...
I read somewhere sometime ago (can't remember where, i read too much) that women spend their whole lives looking for 'Mr Perfect' but when they find him, they proceed to try to change him beyond recognition... I thought this was wrong but because of the kind of person i am who's never satisfied until 100% sure, i decided to investigate... Turned out that whoever wrote that was on the mark. Many women i know keep trying to change their men into an idea they've either read somewhere or imagined. It was a humbling discovery and i couldn't believe how right the person who wrote that was...
On the question of love, i see it happen everyday... People fall in and out of love on a daily basis. I always wondered how someone could say they were madly in love with another person today then 3yrs down the line, they decide they love someone else and cannot abide the one they were 'madly' in love with earlier... This is really hard for me to deal with because in my own case, i've only ever really been in love once in my life and almost 11years later, i still love him as much as i did the first time i realised i had fallen in love with him. Don't get me wrong, there are times when he drives me nuts but that has never made me fall out of love with him... In my theory, once you fall in love with a person or a thing, you'll always love them but that is my POV... Everyone's got theirs...
Over the years, truth be told, i've loved but have i been in love again? No... And that's not for lack of trying... I only stopped trying when i realised that one cannot make one's self fall in love, it happens naturally...
I believe there's a difference between 'loving' and 'being in love' with something or someone... For instance, i fell in love with Alicia Keys' music when i heard her first album 'songs in A minor' and i still am even now with her new Album 'Element of Freedom' and all the others in between... I love Ella Fitzgerald but i wouldn't always listen to her songs like i do Alicia Keys... This might not make sense to other people but it does to me...
Wherefore i say, go ye out and don't be afraid to fall in love and stay in love... It's better to fall in love with the real than the imagined... Don't fall in love with what someone represents, the image you have of them or an idea that came about in you head but do so for who the person is... That way, there are no surprises...
XXXX
Bee
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