ONE STEP AT A TIME...

One beautiful but lonely christmas day, i made a decision that would change my life forever... I started writing a blog.
When i first started writing, i didn't know if anyone would bother to read it or not. I just wrote anyway... It gave me something to do and amazingly, people started reading the posts and i made a friend.
My girl G has a habit of bragging about her friends when they do something really fabulous and i was surprised to hear that she'd told this guy about my blog. He read it, loved it and sent me a mail... We became fast friends. Wrote to each other everyday and reading a mail and clutching my sides laughing became a regular thing for people to see... As a matter of fact, Mr Man told me once that he didn't believe for a minute that all the guy wanted was to be friends. He believed the guy was just softening me up before asking me out but i told Mr Man he was just jealous of my friendship and i didn't think that was the case with this guy...
I'll call him Chocolate...
For about 3months we wrote to each other everyday and it never occured to either of us to ask for phone numbers or plan a meeting... I found him very easy to talk to... He became my virtual best friend and there was almost nothing i didn't discuss with him.
Then came this friday and i went to Towers karaoke with G... She was sending messages on her blackberry (i didn't have one at the time) and smiling like a loon while i was doing my best to understand why because the karaoke was boring as hell... When she stopped typing for a minute, i asked her if she wanted to leave because i was bored. She said she'd like to.. Oh, by the way Chocolate is at Swe with his colleagues and maybe we should go there she said.
I was scared and excited in equal doses. I wasn't sure i wanted to meet him so as not to spoil everything. I was worried he may not be what i expect and our friendship will be compromised but i also wanted to meet him just because...
Remembered my cousin had mentioned something about going to Swe that morning at my place as well so, decided to call my cousin and ask if she was still there so we can meet her. I didn't want G to know that i wanted to use the opportunity to meet Chocolate too.
I'm pretty sure she will kill me when she reads this...
We got to Swe and just as i was parking, she said "oh, there he is"... Came out of the car to say hello and got hit... an unexpected electrical bolt that shot through my entire system. I just stood there and stared like a retarded person... Several minutes passed while G was talking to him and i'm unsure till this day that she knew what happened. Finally found my voice and asked that he come inside but he said he was tired and had to go home... Another time, he said.
After that day, i knew that if ever i saw him again i'd be done for so, i avoided every talk of meeting. For all i knew, i was just his virtual friend whom he ran into one day. I kept my feelings to myself and continued talking to him as a friend with the hope that it'll pass...
Then i got a blackberry, sent him the pin and started chatting with him. He told me he was travelling for work that weekend and will be away for a month... I can't remember who asked now but somehow we made a date to see a movie that evening...
I think i spent 2hrs or so agonizing over what to wear and it didn't help that i was having a bad hair day. Finally settled on a dress and went to meet him... I ended up getting there later than i planned because i had a flat tyre on my way.
I saw him and found that i had trouble meeting his eyes... I couldn't believe myself!!! Here i was behaving like a high school student speaking to her crush for the first time and that really pissed me off but i couldn't help it.
We saw a movie then went down to Cubes for drinks... Spent the next few hours talking but my heart was pounding really hard the whole time. It was thursday...
We chatted on blackberry messenger until saturday when he asked for my number... I gave it to him and he called... Sometime during the hour or so that we spoke, i blurted out that i had a crush on him... He left the next day...
In the last two weeks, we've spoken to each other everyday and there is no subject sacred... In the last two weeks, i've found myself on the road that i travelled once a long time ago... I wasn't ready for the journey but it seems like i was pushed onto the road when i wasn't looking... It was a road that caused me pain and happiness in a 70/30 measure with The Brit... If you guessed love, you got it right.
I am completely in love with this man and i have a feeling that i fell hard that night at the carpark of city mall...
So, he doesn't look like a Greek god but who cares? I'm in love with someone who loves me back and that's what counts...
The next step is to follow the road and see where it takes us...
XXXX
Bee

FLASH AND CASH

It has never occured to me to get a regular job... Like every kid in Nigeria is expected to, i went to school but got bored quickly and left. Still do not have my OND certificate because i was too impatient at the time i was supposed to collect it.
Gave all my documents (original and photocopies) to my HOD in Ile-Ife to help me process and the bargard (if that's a word) lost them!!! Didn't matter that i paid him for his trouble and have spent a lot of time and money trying to get them back to no avail... HAven't given up completely but have chilled for a bit...
Have been in business for myself since year 2000 and have gone all the what nots that business entails... The good, the bad and the downright depressing...
When i modelled. it was a lot of flash but no cash... I just loved strutting my stuff on the runway and it didn't matter one way or other what i was getting paid... I was having the time of my life. After my surgery, i realised that there was more to life than just having fun so, decided to start a business...
It was good... First time i turned a profit, i was over the moon and thus it continued till i realised that some people's aim in life is to help bring you down from whatever point you've risen to... How else do you explain someone who buys stuff of about 100k and disappears? Or a friend who gallantly offers to help you sell stuff and never shows up with the money?
In 2006, i had a good business year but in the 3rd quarter i lost my mother whom i'd been working so hard to look after... I was devastated!!! Kept my shops locked and went home to bury her but her extended family decided to use it as an opportunity to milk me... It wasn't pretty... They didn't even care that i was mourning the loss, all they wanted was money. Apparently, they had news that i was quite successful...
In 2007, i discovered foreign trips... A few friends of mine including my sister and cousin decided it would be fun to go to Dubai. Of course i wanted to go too... We went, we had fun, bought stuff to sell and came back but i wanted more. Proceeded to go back there three more times that year alone and thus the madness begun... I wasn't waiting to sell what i had bought from the previous trip before i went back for more... It wasn't long before disaster occured...
In 2008, one of my friends decided to get married in London and off i went. Met a man who fascinated me and the idea of relocating took root. Wanted to try it out for a month before making the decision of moving or not. I left to stay with him and he turned out the ultimate asshole so, i came back home... It never occured to me to check up on my business... I just assumed the shop was being taken care of... Lo and behold, when i got back home, more than half the cosmetics in the shop had expired, perfumes were missing, make-up were melting or broken, there was almost no cash in the shop account and my salesgirl had disappeared!!!
Tried picking myself up from where i had fallen but it wasn't easy... Had to close the shop because i couldn't afford it anymore... My savings were depleted (i had spent it all on travel, clubbing, expensive dinners and expensive hadbags) and there was nothing to fall back on... I had assumed foolishly that i had a lot in the shop and there was nothing to worry about...
Now, here i am back at a hobby i abandoned in 2006 because i wanted to concentrate on my cosmetic shop... I will not lie, i love making jewellery and have gotten better over the years but i wish i hadn't made all the mistakes i made and threw my life away...
If i could go back, there's a lot i'll change but things like this once happened, has happened and there really is nothing one can do to change anything... I even spent almost a year at home doing nothing but hanging onto self-pity to the point that my get up and go, got up and left me...
After a time, i decided to pick myself off the floor, dust my butt and get back into the game.
So, here i am doing my best to get back to and surpass what was... It's not been easy but i do know that with detemination and hardwork, things will get better... I have left behind the distractions that were friends and now concentrating on me as a person with the hope that my efforts will be crowned with glory...
Why did i write this?
To let you all know that my life isn't just about trying to find love in this crazy city but also about finding personal fulfillment and i'm well on my way...
Wish me luck...
XXXX
Bee

STILL HERE...

Haven't posted anything in a while now and that's not for lack of stuff to write about but due to financial trouble

Still having trouble but I'm hoping I will sort out my laptop power pack and internet connection sometime today or tomorrow morning...
This is just to let you all know the situation instead of thinking that I've stopped writing...
XXXX
Bee

CAN WE BE FRIENDS???

We met, we loved, we lost and decided to go our separate ways but it’s a little hard to walk away from someone when you’ve been intimate and shared a lot with each other... What’s the next logical step? Try to be friends... How that will work isn’t something you think about when you have decided to be friends but you give it a shot anyway and land nicely on your bottom.....

Growing up, most of my friends were guys... As a matter of fact, the first guy who kissed me was someone who’d been my friend for several years... My first crush was my friend and so was my first boyfriend... The idiot who forced himself on me the first time was a friend and it just goes on and on... Sometimes i wonder why i still have male friends but the truth is, it’s very hard for me to not be friends with someone i like... Or someone i dated as the case may be... Seeing an ex and walking by without saying ‘’hello’’ is not in my book... I used to like saying i’m still friends with every man i’ve dated but in the last 3months, i’ve been wondering if that is a good idea...

Ok, so i’ve met quite a few men who fancy getting in my pants but whom i would rather not have that way... I decide we’ll be friends and we become friends... In my mind, he’s just a friend. In their minds, they’re softening me up for the kill...

There’s a friend of mine ‘E’ whom i met when i was 16... We became fast friends because he was my cousin’s best friend... I really liked spending time with my cousin and that meant spending a lot of time with E as well... ‘E’ is a very handsome guy... The kind who breaks 3dozen hearts a year but i never looked at him and saw ‘potential boyfriend’. All i saw when i looked at him was ‘my very handsome friend’... What i didn’t know was that he saw something completely different... After my cousin died and i moved to Lagos, we still saw each other when i went to the South or he came to Lagos and so it was until one night in his hotel room he decided to tell me he’s in love with me and blah blah... All the kind of things a woman would expect a man to say to her... Only catch was, he was saying them to me just because he wanted to get in my pants... Of course i said no... We’re still friends but that easy, free relationship we shared is long gone...

Then there was ‘V’ the body builder whom i met the day after i came into Lagos 12years ago... We became very good friends... I even lived in his house at some point when i had accommodation issues and we went to the gym together every other day. Why, he even hooked me up with a friend of his... You can then imagine my surprise when a few years ago, he told me he was in love with me and has been for a very long time (yes, they throw the L word around a lot)... I didn’t know what to say to him so, i wisely kept my mouth shut on said day. He was persistent, that he was. After a very long time, i decided to give it a shot (my girlfriends convinced me to, arguing i had nothing to lose as i wasn’t in a relationship at the time) and what a bad shot it turned out to be... First time we had sex, it was weird and very very awkward. Found myself holding back laughter half the time and the sex was worse than worst... While thinking of a way to end things without ruining everything, one of my friends found out from her cousin that he was married (something that didn’t occur to him to mention to me)... Reason i didn’t know this was because i didn’t see him for a couple of years at some point... The relationship ended. As a matter of fact, we don’t even talk anymore...

Why did i decide to write this? It has to do with a friend of mine whom i've known for more than 3years and in that time, he'd asked me out but i didn’t like him in that way... I really liked him as a person though and didn’t want to lose his friendship so, i convinced him it’d be better all around if we didn’t have anything sexual to complicate issues...

In the time that we’ve been friends, i hadn’t had cause to regret being friends with him for a minute but i don’t know how i feel about that now given what happened the other day. My sister and her family are in my house and the whole place is full. Found myself sleeping on the floor on more than one occasion and my body was aching from it so, i decided to go chill with him at his place the other night. We’d gone out and the plan was for me to drop him off and go home but i decided to stay when i realized that i had little petrol and it was around 2am... Chill i did and because i figured i was ok and had nothing to worry about, i went to sleep. Of course i had my jeans, shirt and everything on. At some point in the night, i tried to change sleeping positions and realized i couldn’t move. Opened my eyes to find him wrapped around me with 2 of my shirt buttons undone... Realised that the fancy pin with i used to hold my shirt together was on the bed and digging into my back... I saw RED... No, more like a kaleidoscope of crazy colours... Took a deep breath to calm myself, extricated myself completely from him and moved to the edge of the bed. It was around 4:30am and i was sleepy... Didn’t want to have a fight so, i said nothing... Just left the next morning but i knew that there was no way in hell i’d ever put myself in that position EVER again...

Now begs the question, can the opposite sex ever really be JUST friends? Is it really possible? Can we ever find a way to put all sexual thoughts aside and just be platonic friends? I guess not...

That is the reason why i said NO when ‘K’ (a guy i dated for 6months in 2007) asked that we be friends... I learned my lesson, thanks a lot... Thing is, if he doesn’t jump my bones, i might jump his someday. As they say, prevention is better than cure or like my Warri people will say ‘’provision store is better than kiosk’... I rest my case...

XXXX
Bee


Note: This wasn’t meant to hurt… Just speaking my mind…