TURNING 30

I haven't been writing and that didn't happen because there was nothing to write about, it did because there was too much to write about... Probably doesn't make any sense...
I found that the words were too much in my head and i had a problem putting it in black & white... Can't count how much paper i scrunched up and tossed just because i couldn't find my rhythm... After all said and done, here i am... Finally at it again.

My thirtieth birthday has come and gone... After all the stress, worry, break-up, work and thinking, it came and went... Just like that. I had a hard time with it though, i won't lie about that and i worried so much that i fell ill the morning of. Didn't get any sleep till about 5am that morning but i need not have bothered because no matter how much i worry about turning 30, other girls who are also single like me have gone beyond that age and they are still who they are...
A week before my 30th bithday, chocolate broke up with me for reasons i didn't get and still don't get at all... My friend E concluded he was afraid of commitment but i think it went deeper than that... Even though i can't quite put my finger on it and even though we've now gone past that stage to find the friendship we once shared, i have a feeling that it was my craziness that chased him off in the first place but as things like these go, one can never really know the answer to all the questions we ask or don't ask as the case may be...
In the early hours of sat 12th june, i started thinking about all i'd wanted to achieve before i turned 30. Career, relationship, financially, and how i have failed to get to my goals when it dawned on me that i was worrying about the wrong things... Most women worry about getting older and even though i used to say i don't, it turned out that underneath it all, i did... I don't know that i've met anyone who's looking forward to wrinkles, sagging skin or cellulites... We all like to hope that our skin will stand the test of time but the truth is that it won't and it is because of this that we all want to be successful so that even if we don't look so hot anymore, we'll be so happy with our achievements that the way we look physically won't really matter much anymore... or we'll just be too busy to notice.
I started using anti-ageing creams sometime last year but lately, i've noticed laughter lines around my eyes that concealer does nothing to hide and no matter how much i like to think otherwise, the truth remains that my thighs aren't as firm as they once were... I have more memories and there are times when while talking to my sister, i realise she has no idea what i'm talking about. Time is begining to tell on my body... and my mind... I'm not so sure i like this but who knows? i just might grow into it with time...
I didn't want to celebrate because in my mind, i had nothing to celebrate but sometime late that night, i began to wonder about life and how long it is and how we always seemed to be on a quest to find exciting things to do to pass the time we have here. Things to make it worthwhile... So, i decided to go to my friend L's shindig. It was her bithday as well and she was having a party at swe bar... I went, i had a great time with my sis and D, i left... That was it, i was done...
Went back to concentrate on working on my exhibition but it turned out a bit of a disappointment... I just hope the next one turns out better. I have a lot to sort out about myself and i really hope my career falls into place so it'll be one less thing to worry about...
Sunday 20th june and i went to spend the night at chocolate's (he invited me) so i can be closer to the airport as my flight out was really early... We talked and slept very late... He wants back in... He misses me, he says but now, i really don't know how much of me i can give to him... What to do?
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Bee